Learning to trust: My journal

Beating the Loneliness

 October 2, 2018

  Today has been pretty bad for my anxiety again. I woke up and felt very useless and like I just didn't want to go through another day of school. It felt like God was so far away from me and I just wanted him there. It felt like I was going to have to go through my day all alone. Lately this is how I feel, useless, purposeless, alone and anxious about nothing. I'm sick and tired of being alone. 

 For almost all of grade nine didn't have a best friend. My best friend from kindergarten to grade 8 had decided to tell me that I wasn't allowed to see her or talk to her ever again. That hurt me so much. We were very close almost sisters, then she tells me this and it broke my heart. I cried and cried for days. This is where my anxiety started. I isolated myself from the world and spent most of my time thinking and playing guitar. It wasn't that I didn't want to find people to love me but it was that I didn't think anyone did anymore. My best friend was the one person that loved me with all my crazy quirks and annoying things I do, so when this happened I thought "if she didn't like me for who I am, who will?" I even started to question my worth in God's eyes. I tried to hold onto my faith and truth I knew, that God loved me no matter what. It was hard because I stopped doing my devotions and stopped praying and spending time with God. Suggestion to anyone going through something tough, never neglect God. It won't help. All it does is take you further and further away from Him, and that's what Satan wants. Even if that's the last thing you want to do, go do it. It's worth it. God will take the hurt and loneliness and pain away.

 These are not just words for you, they are words for me too. I struggle with this daily. Sitting down and devotions is so hard for me. Even though I know it's the only way to satisfy my longing for love, I still put it off or ignore it. It takes so much discipline to do this for me. I hope you will be encouraged and get something out of my ramblings and struggles. If you struggle with this or having something to say about feeling alone, just leave a comment then maybe we can start a little discussion about this topic or other topics. 

 -Emmers