Learning to trust: My journal

What now?

 September 25, 2019

 Hi all. So yesterday was the funeral for my choir teacher Mrs. G. It was a hard funeral to be at, know that this was the last time I would be able to sing for her. Yeah, I did sing for her but not alone. I was in a huge choir (when I say huge I mean huge. There were like 70 or so of us). It was an amazing celebration of her life through music she loved. It was another hard day but I'm glad I did what I did, in honor of her. I did cry on the last song while singing. That's me and I was expecting it. I just didn't expect every emotion from the week before to come rushing back. That was hard. 

 So now everyhting's supposed to go back to normal. Right now, I don't know what normal is supposed to look like. Normal included Mrs. G. Normal included her smiles and losing her glasses. Normal meant that she would give us long spiels about the randomest things. Normal meant she was going to be there everyday. I just can't imagine not seeing her anymore. I still think she's going to walk through that door and smile at us with her water bottle in her hand. I still think I'm going to see her walking through the halls, flowy scarf around her hand smiling as she walks past. Mostly, it doesn't feel real. She can't be gone. She can't be dead. I'm still partially in denial so this could take a while for me to get straight in my head. 

 The school is now looking for a replacement for her. Not like anyone could ever replace her. I don't want a replacement, I just want her back. I know that's impossible but I still wish. Being the person I am, I naturally think about the "What if's" and "What now's". I can't help it but I really know I shouldn't. I want someone that will be understanding and let us as a choir figure out what we want to do moving forward. The last thing we need right now is someone who has no idea how we do things or will just change EVERYTHING that we already started to work on. I want someone who be somewhat like Mrs. G but not try to replace her. I want someone who will give us the space to grieve and figure ourselves out. I want someone who will work with us and give us a safe place to be, just like Mrs. G would've done and wanted. 

 I am kind of nervous and anxious about what is going to be happening but this is just another thing that I will have to trust God with. I know he has everything under control even though my life feels like a mess right now. I hope this post made somewhat sense cuz it was mostly just me getting  my feelings out. Hope you all have a good day!

 -Emmers