Learning to trust: My journal

It came back

 Thursday, May 16, 2019 

 Hi everyone! Sorry this update is a little late, I was going to write this on Monday/tuesday but I didn't get the time. So from my last post you all know that I went to camp this weekend for a trainging thing. That's what this whole post is going to be about. 

 Friday Evening

 Friday was really great. We got to camp and signed in and got settled into our cabins. We then just hungout and talked for like an hour or so. After we had a Main Session. This involved some worship then the Ministry director did a bible study with us. Then we got to test out the new Night Game for the summer. That was a blast! It involved a lot of running and carrying dirt in our hands but it was super fun. To make it even better my team won! We even got a prize, which was a blue camp hoodie (I was pumped about that cuz I absolutely adore hoodies)  After we went to shalom and chilled together, had some snack and some people played games together. Then around 11:15 I went back to the cabin with my friends to get ready for bed. Then just before 12 we went to bed. 

 Saturday 

 Friday morning I woke up at 6:00 AM. Oh yeah with a stomach to make it worse. Everyone else was still asleep and I was the only one in all of camp (I think) that was awake. So I decided I was going to go for a run. It ended up being more walking, crying and yelling at God, which I don't really recommend (yelling at God won't get you anywhere anyways, so it's pretty pointless). I was very angry that God was allowing me to have anxiety and stomach aches, something I hadn't really had to deal with for around 3 months. After my "run" I went back to the cabin to see if anyone was awake. Two of my friends were awake so we sat and talked quietly for a while. Then me and one of my friends went to sit outside for a while. We talked for a while, waiting till the rest of the girls would finally wake up. Eventually they woke up and then the day could finally start. We went for breakfast at 9:00. Then at 10:30 we had a training session. These sessions were different than that Main sessions. These sessions were info for being a cabin leader/activity leader and how to work with kids and understand them. This went till 12:30 which meant it was time for lunch. After lunch we had more training sessions till around 3:30ish. After that we had free time till supper. I was so happy for some time to do some stuff by myself. I walked around the lake and played ukulele for a while. After that I went to sit with some girls and played more ukulele with them. For the rest of the afternoon I just chilled out and didn't do a whole lot.

 Supper came and after I had a blast with some girls again. We were sitting together and talking and then one of the girls said something pretty lame. We all started laughing (we were SUPER over tired), we couldn't stop laughing. After that we had a Main session again and a worship night. The ministry director talked about anxiety and fear that night which really hit me hard. It was exactly what I needed to hear that evening. A bunch of other awesome things happened that evening but then I'd be here for a long time. After that we went to shalom for a movie and snack. Then at 11:30 went to got get ready for bed. Then at 12 we went to bed again.

 Sunday

 I woke up again at 6:00. I went for a walk again and talked to God. There was some yelling and crying again but not like the day before. Everyone slept till 8:00 that day cuz breakfast was at 8:30. I didn't eat much for breakfast because I was feeling so horrible. After breakfast I helped with dishes and then headed off to main session. After main session we had a short break. I was feeling really horrible and knew I needed to talk to Jessalyn. So I asked her if I could talk to her for a while. So we went to the dining hall and talked for a bit. I told her that my anxiety was back and I didn't know what to do about it. She told me that she didn't have anymore "magical" words for me but she told me that we were going to find something for me so that I could cast my anxiety on God. She told me to make a list of all the things that make me anxious and that I was supposed to figure out what was stressing me out every time I felt anxious and text her my list once I was done. Then say a quick prayer to God about that and release it to him. After that we talked some more then went back to the chapel for a training session. After the training session we had lunch. Then after lunch it was time to pack up and clean our cabins. I didn't want to go home but knew that I was going to be back in a month and a half anyways so that made it easier to go. 

 That was my weekend, so now my anxiety came back but I think I'll just become stronger because of it.

-Emmers