Learning to trust: My journal

Faith like a Child

 October 26, 2018

 Yesterday I found out that my pastors wife is now stopping treatments for her cancer because of relapsing for the second time. I am absolutely heart broken. she is such an amazing woman of God and to know that she is most likely going to die is so hard to grasp. she has been such an inspiration to me. As I was going through a bunch of hard things with friends and anxiety, she was going through cancer treatments. the difference between how we handled it emotionally and spiritually was huge. she was going through something so much harder than I was and she letting God handle it all. she had the trust that I so badly needed. I was drifting away from God. Then I would hear how she was handling things and I would wonder and wish that I could have a faith like she does.

 Why can't I just have the faith of a child again? Maybe it's cuz I'm not a child anymore and am out of practice. I am almost sixteen and very independent. I like to have things under control and seem like I have everything together spiritually, emotionally and physically. I don't like people doing things for me if I know I can do them myself. I even feel like this toward God at times. I have to feel like I'm good enough for me to be his child and to talk to him like he's my dad. Some days I feel very under qualified and insignificant, like I have to be perfect to go to him. I know that this isn't true, but Satan likes to play tricks with me to make me not want to go to God. That is his ultimate goal, taking me away from God. 

 So as I watch my pastor and his wife go through this, I remember that I need to have faith that God has it all under control and that it's for the best. I would really appreciate it if you guys would pray for them and I'll try to update on how they are if you're interested. 

 -Emmers