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Review by Sunshine: Immortally Beloved: A Vampire's Vignettes

Review by Sunshine: Immortally Beloved

Author: JadedElegance

SPECIAL REQUESTS FROM THE AUTHOR:

- Please do not focus on grammar/typos, as an editor will do that later. Simple mistakes can be pointed out.

- Please gentle and know that after Chapter 10, you're dealing with a first draft.

Summary: 4.5/5

This new and edited version of your summary is fantastic. It introduces the protagonist, parts of your world, the genre, and it even introduces your wonderful writing style. Lovely use of rhetorical question at the end, too. It's definitely captivating. But, alas, I couldn't say it was 100% perfect because of a single punctuation issue. You're missing a full-stop after the "... but can never forget the past." But otherwise, excellent job!

Grammar: 3.5/5

As requested, I won't spend too much time on this. But I will quickly go through some common mistakes I found, so that, for future reference, you know what to look for when you revise and edit.

First of all, there should be no spaces between the punctuation and the closing inverted commas whenever there is dialogue. I think most of these cases were typos, as they were scarce. Another thing to make sure of is that the punctuation comes before the closing inverted commas, not after. And avoid using more than one punctuation mark at a time. Using things like "!!" make the writing seem less professional. So does using capitals to emphasise a word – try using italics instead to mark emphasis. And whenever you're using ellipses, use three dots. Not two, not four. It should always be "...".

There were a few of these errors scattered throughout, but it never really broke the fluency of the story – so well done!

Character Building: 4.5/5

In that first chapter, my heart really broke for Eleni. She sort of reminded me of Fantine from Les Misérables, especially in those moments where she became a whore just for survival. Normally, a character like Eleni would distance me as a reader, because she does border on being quite close to perfect, but her backstory was what changed that. Instead, I respected her and felt rather proud as the story unfolded and I learnt more about her progression after that tragic day. She was wonderfully fleshed out, and that's what made me love her more.

You do have a big cast, and that comes with the danger of overwhelming the reader with too many characters. But you did it wonderfully! Your descriptions of each character helped frame the reader's perspective of each character. You introduced Victor in a light that made me feel antagonistic towards him (and Scott, for that matter), you made my heart bleed for sweet Eleni and chapter twenty-one absolutely broke my heart because I wanted to reach out and hold Marius. Your characters are wonderfully fleshed out – even characters who create strong impressions ended up surprising me. Well done!

Here is where I get very nit-picky, so please forgive me. But there were some moments where you told us about Eleni rather than showed. I was fine with it for the most part, but it did border on too much telling. For example, let's look at the sentence, "Eleni is not arrogant in the way of her mother, and others are not frightened by her." Perhaps you should consider showing this instead. Make those 'others' hoot at her or snort at her perhaps. Make her clench her fists tightly, or make her gaze lower to the ground every time eye contact feels too intrusive. Not my best examples, but still gets the idea across; you want to break the flow of the story as little as possible.

And please stop mentioning that her eyes are blue. In the first five chapters, her eyes were described as blue 17 times. And it didn't stop after the first five chapters, either. The first few times, it was fine, but too much is too much and once I, as the reader, started keeping count, it gets awkward. It actually becomes quite distancing, too, because it became too noticeable. Again, a minor thing, but it did actually frustrate me as the reader so I thought it would be worth bringing it up.

Writing Style: 4/5

Please give yourself a pat on the back because your descriptions are wonderful. You do an excellent job of utilising sensory imagery to set the scene, and I love you use literary devices (such as metaphor and simile) masterfully. Even in that scene that was borderline erotica was done in such a way that it didn't feel awkward. I usually snort my way through scenes like those because they tend to be written awkwardly, but you kept it fluent and descriptive without making it overwhelmingly explicit. So props to you – it's a very fine line to tread, and you've done it well!

I do think, however, that you can be more daring with your sentence and paragraph structures. Your paragraphs are quite dense, which is fine, but perhaps you can try juxtaposing those bigger chunks with some shorter paragraphs. Be playful! Try manipulating your sentences so that you can weave in one-sentence paragraphs, or even one-word paragraphs. Of course, don't oversaturate your story with them, but every now and then might actually leave a powerful impression on the reader. For example, your paragraph:

"In a matter of seconds, Elein's world and everything in it becomes empty, silent."

It was incredibly powerful. Heartbreaking, too, of course. And there was the paragraph in chapter twenty-one:

"He'd never forgive himself".

That really crushed me. I felt for Marius. And this paragraph, due to its shortness, helped reinforce the heartbreak and the desolation that I felt for him. So I encourage you to use them every now and then in similarly significant moments, just as a nice contrast against the bigger and bulkier paragraphs. Your writing is rather formal and, in a sense, old-fashioned, so I think a few moments of snappier sentences could really add to it.

Another thing to keep in mind is the Rule of Threes. Whenever you are describing something, aim to keep it to three or less. Let's take a look at this sentence here:

"Eleni tries to make herself invisible, small, silent, emotionless."

You've used four words here to describe what Eleni is trying to make herself. And it just felt very, very awkward. Try limiting it to a maximum of three for all things similar to this situation. Or at least manipulate the punctuation so it sounds less like a list.

But otherwise, you are a natural story-teller. Beautiful work.

Plot + Originality: 4.5/5

Words cannot express how much I adore the concept of the vignettes! Incredibly unique, with an enchanting combination of history and fantasy. I love the way the past intertwines with the present, I love the symbolism between everything changing but also remaining the same, and I loved being taken to different eras. You've mastered the language changes, in my perspective, and that's not easy task. Amazing job!

I like the way everything slowly starts to tie together, and I love the nice development of characters as depth is added to them with each passing chapter. I have never quite read a plot that merges so many different elements into its chapters, and I'm actually glad the chapters are longer. They're very necessary. Each chapter was unpredictable, from the arc about Keegan and Ava to the curse – I didn't see any of it coming. Fabulous job.

I will admit, however, that I struggled to engage with the story initially. It was mostly because the writing was incredibly descriptive and dense, but there wasn't enough action to balance it out. This, however, might just be a personal thing since I've been caught up reading a lot of fast-paced novels recently. But I will say to be careful not to drag out the plot, and to make all descriptions purposeful.

But otherwise, amazing work.

OVERALL SCORE: 21/25

Overall, this is a great story! You should be very proud of yourself. For a first draft, it is incredible. Long, yes. But worth the time? Yes. I love the concept, I love the characters, and I love your descriptions. Keep up the fantastic work!