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Review by Sunshine: Cupid's Little Game

Title: Cupid's Little Game

Author: PratsPathak

Summary: 3/5

You've chosen to start your description off with an excerpt from the novel. This is fine – in fact, it's a rather popular choice on Wattpad. You do have to be careful, though; do you really want the excerpt to be the main love interest confessing his love? Wouldn't you want to keep that part a secret, so that the reader reads the story to find out whether the two lovers come together or not? You have to make sure your excerpt isn't too big of a spoiler.

Also, it is quite long. If I look at published books with excerpts from the novel, the excerpt is usually two paragraphs maximum so that it can fit in the back of a hardcopy. Another thing: if you're using an excerpt, the grammar and punctuation must be completely polished. You have a few spacing tense issues that I found. For example:

My emotions were swirling inside my tiny weary body, mixing up like a fierce tornado, and I fear it might prove fatal.

"My emotions were..." [were = past tense]

"... I fear it might prove fatal." [fear = present tense]

Make sure your excerpt is completely polished. I do like your actual summary and the touch of humour in it, but it also needs polishing. Your final sentence needs to end with a question mark since it is a question, and you spelt the word 'definition' inaccurately. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

As mentioned above, your tense needs polishing. You kept going back and forth past tense and present tense throughout your story, and that disrupts the fluency of your story. For example, in the very first chapter, I found:

"What the heck is wrong with this book!" I cried. [cried = past tense]

My head hurts, my eyes are red and puffy... [hurts = present tense, are = present tense]

You need to go back, decide on a tense, and stick to it.

Also, watch out for proper nouns – names of people, places and even television shows, all need to start with capital letters. There were names that were missing their capital letters, and even if you reference America's Next Top Model, it needs to be presented with capitals at the start of each word.

Whenever you have a question, it needs to end with a question mark. Even if the dialogue is groaned out or exclaimed, the question mark is the most important punctuation mark. So even in examples such as:

"Shouldn't we be learning about taxes and stuff!"

The exclamation mark should be replaced with a question mark. Also, throughout the later chapters, you started adding commas after the dialogue even though there was an exclamation mark/question mark before the closing inverted commas. The comma is not necessary if you already have punctuation before closing inverted commas. So, for example:

"Isn't that what brothers do?", he replied.

The comma isn't necessary. It should be:

"Isn't that what brothers do?" he replied.

Also, watch out for capitalisation of words after dialogue. Let's look at a quick example from your story:

"I am sure no one will try to strangle you today," She called.

The "she" does not need to start with a capital letter because it is not the start of a new sentence. It should be:

"I am sure no one will try to strangle you today," she called. 

Character Building: 3.5/5

I do love the conversational tone and narration throughout the whole story! The fourth-wall breaks, the sarcasm, the wit – it was all executed very nicely. It was a great scope to view the drama of high school, and I found myself smiling at some of Iris' commentary.

The dialogue is also hilarious. I love the banter between all the characters. I will admit that, when Violet and Scarlet were first introduced, I found their dialogue and overall tone of voice quite similar. However, as the story progressed, I did see them branch away from one another in terms of personality – in fact, I loved Violet. She's unstoppable and it's freaking hilarious.

I also liked the development of Iris's relationship with her brother. I liked seeing the way they grew as people, and that last chapter in particular was quite sweet.

I do, however, think that your characterisation is a bit jumpy. Your story is in first person, so whenever Iris feels something, we, as the reader, should see the transition of her emotions. When she gets emotional after her conversation with her brother at the start, we see that she's upset – but we actually get quite detached from her because we have no idea. We have no idea what led to this sudden shift of mood. Sure, we work it out later – but you need to give us glimpses then and there of what's going on in Iris's head. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Your writing style is very distinct, and very engaging. I think it is aimed towards a young adult audience, and that is very clear in the themes and tone of voice. I think a lot of teens would find this story very relatable and comical – almost cartoonish, in fact.

However, from a professional viewpoint, there are a few things that you should probably avoid. For example, please avoid using, "Awwwwww" and "Nooooo". Rather, italicise the words to show that it is emphasised.

Also, avoid overusing adjectives when it comes to dialogue. You shouldn't need to say "I cried incredulously" – the reader should be able to read the incredulousness she feels through her dialogue or her actions. It feels almost redundant to say 'incredulously' because we can already see how flabbergasted she is. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 3.5/5

I will admit, a lot of the concepts and personalities – particularly of the friends – aren't the most unique. I've seen this trope several times, so I can't say that it's exactly unique.

That being said, your voice is very distinct. It's like reading a story from another lens, which is really refreshing – well done there! I also loved the references to pop culture, with the mentions of famous authors, television shows and quotes. Nice work there! They help make the story more relatable and you put your own spin on some common tropes. Well done! 

OVERALL SCORE: 15.5/25

Overall, an interesting story told by a great voice! I encourage you to work on the punctuation errors I've outlined above, and you'll be good to go. I hope this review helps.