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Review by Sunshine: Beyond My Expectations

Title: Beyond My Expectations

Author: youngWwriter

Summary: 1/5

Okay, so, this summary needs work. I know this is only Wattpad, but when it comes to reviews, I'm trying to look at things as if I were reading a professional novel. When you write a story, you can't just say that there will be conflicts and crises – you need to tell us what they are. You emphasise a decision that the protagonists must make, but the reader doesn't even know what that decision is or what the context is. You haven't introduced the protagonists, nor have you introduced the context or overall plot arc.

When it comes to writing a summary, consider asking yourself the following:

- Have I introduced the main characters?

The reader doesn't need the entire backstory, but they need enough to understand how and why the story's primary conflict is impacting that main character.

- Have I introduced the primary conflict?

Your story should be driven by a primary conflict. If there was no Voldemort, what would Harry Potter be about? What would keep readers going? You need a conflict in your story, so that readers actually feel like they are being take somewhere.

- Have I emphasised the stakes?

Your blurb needs a cliffhanger, and it's quite popular to end summaries by introducing the stakes. For example, if they don't do this in time, this will happen to them. It should make the reader want to read and see if the protagonist ends up winning or losing. 

Grammar: 1.5/5

Okay, so the story, grammar-wise, needs work. It was still readable, so well done there, but I often had to reread a few bits to understand what exactly you were trying to say. You have beginnings of sentences missing their capital letters, and you have the end of sentences missing full-stop. You also have proper nouns missing their full-stops, as well as random capitalisation of letters in the middle of sentences without reason. All of this needs polishing.

Another thing was tense. You keep skipping back and forth between past and present tense. For the most part, I think you were trying to write in past tense, but you had moments of present tense slip into the story. For example:

"We jumped together in excitement." [jumped = past tense]

"We head to the kitchen together." [head = present tense]

Character Building: 1.5/5

So, we'll start with the positives. First of all, the dialogue was quite interesting and often quite humorous – so good work there. The narration itself can be quite conversational, and I like the witty quips made and the way the story almost seems to break the fourth wall.

However, characterisation needs work. Whenever you introduce a character, you need to slow down the pace to properly introduce them. You can't just skip over them, make them say a few lines, and leave them there. It was very hard to distinguish between characters because of this. You need to ensure all characters sound and act different in their dialogue. When all characters end their sentences with either '!!!!!' or '????', they sound the same. They sound like they're constantly screeching at each other, and I'm struggling to gather complexity from anyone.

Also, who is Fariha? They're introduced as the narrator in Chapter 15, and they obviously have some connection to Aleina, but it's incredibly unclear. We don't know what that connection is, we don't truly feel their feelings, and that entire chapter felt very disconcerting.

Remember to show, not tell. Don't say, "We are very close cousins" – show it to us! Sure, you can tell us they are cousins, but show their closeness through their actions, dialogue and expressions whenever they interact. Don't give it away to us. Make us, as the reader, work for it.

Writing Style: 1/5

Please don't use short-cuts in your writing. Don't use 'u' instead of 'you'. Please don't use !!!!! or ????? to express emphasis. Use description to help the reader properly visualise it in their heads.

Throughout the story, I didn't get a single glimpse of the setting. As a reader, we need the setting to help us ease into the story and ground ourselves. Use figurative language – metaphor, simile and personification – to help you with this.

And, as mentioned before, slow down the pace. It can't just be 'this happened', then 'this happened'. We need to see it for ourselves. Slow it down. This also comes into play with aspects such as realism. Let's look at the following sentence:

"Suddenly my head started aching and unfortunately I fell unconscious!"

Falling unconscious is a pretty scary and serious thing. It won't be spoken as lightly as this. And you could have showed it to us: did the character see dark spots cloud their vision? Did they suddenly feel light and heavy at the same time? Describe it for us! Take us there! If you've ever fainted before, recall what that was like and use that to help you. If you haven't, do your research. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 2/5

There are some good things happening here. I am absolutely fascinated by the cultural aspects that have been woven into the story, and it's so interesting to see that come into play. You clearly know the values, beliefs and attitudes that underpin the religion, so well done for maintaining the integrity of the faith.

Onto the plot itself, keep it purposeful. Do we need to know that Aleina hates make-up? Do we need to see them eat their meals if nothing eventful happens at the table? Do we need to know that they ate two pancakes? Will it contribute to the overall plot? If the answer is no, don't include it. We don't need it. There's a reason we don't see characters use the bathrooms in stories; if it doesn't contribute to the overall plot, we don't need it.

A lot of your first few chapters felt like filler chapters. Once in a while, a filler chapter is fine – but it has to be used effectively. It has to either show character development, add contrast to the tone/pacing of the story or foreshadow a future conflict/event. I would even go as far to say that you first chapter should introduce Ayan and Aleina, and then they should find the engagement notice in that chapter to kickstart the story on a high note and give the readers a taste of the conflict to come.

Otherwise, the conflict is there – so good job. I can see that there is an arranged marriage between two characters who have been engaged since they were children without knowing, which is a pretty dramatic thing that needs resolving. Interesting concept – good work. 

OVERALL SCORE: 7/25

Overall, some good things happening! You have a clear conflict and interesting cultural beliefs underpinning the story. Just work on your characterisation and grammar, and you'll be good to go! I hope this review helps!