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Review by Sunshine: An Enchantment of Time

Title: An Enchantment of Time

Author: Le0pard0

Summary: 4/5

I love your summary. I really do. I like the clever use of introducing the two protagonists separately, and then going on to show how their lives converge. I like how different their lives seem and how they contrast with one another, and I like that you've included the mechanics behind the ring, the world, and the concepts. I'm very, very excited to start reading this now!

However, a few grammatical errors got in the way of a perfect score. These include:

"Drew, an expert in technological magic is given an unknown crystal ring by his sister Eve."

In the above example, you're missing a comma after the word 'magic' and the word 'sister'. It should be:

"Drew, an expert in technological magic, is given an unknown crystal ring by his sister, Eve."

Another one:

"The greatest magic of all time- time plays with the fates of many from different timelines."

The above example is inaccurate. It should be:

"The greatest magic of all time – time – plays with the fates of many from different timelines."

Otherwise, fantastic work. 

Grammar: 3.5/5

For the most part, your work was pretty polished – well done! However, as I noted above, punctuation seems to be a bit of an issue.

First of all, I found run-on sentences scattered throughout your work. I recommend rereading your work aloud, and only pause when you see a punctuation mark. If a sentence sounds awkward and it needs a pause, include punctuation where that pause should be. For example:

"Is anyone home?" Amora asked her voice loud and sharp causing Drew to cover his ears.

If you read that aloud, it sounds quite clunky. It needs pauses. To make it correct, it should be:

"Is anyone home?" Amora asked, her voice loud and sharp, causing Drew to cover his ears.

Another issue I found had to do with punctuation and dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"If there is anyone here, we will see them." Drew said.

'Drew said' is a verbal tag. It should be:

"If there is anyone here, we will see them," Drew said. 

Character Building: 3/5

Okay, so, my heart ached for Ethan when I first met him. He is so sweet, and you captured his voice so perfectly – it was regretful, but also somewhat innocent and optimistic and sweet. I really enjoyed reading his perspective, and I liked the amount we learnt about him in that chapter with him – it really helped us connect with him on a meaningful level. Great work!

I'm a little less connected with Drew, but that's because we are yet to learn quite a bit about him. I will say, though, that you could help the reader engage with the characters more by showing, rather than telling. For example, when you write:

"His head hurt with the pressure of feelings."

Make us feel it. Make us feel what the character is feeling. Describe the pain – what was it like? Was it like a hammer to the skull? And what feelings? Anger, sadness, remorse? Make us feel it, make us connect with the character. Avoid generalisations – and that's something I'll come back to later in the review.

Another thing: when you're introducing characters, don't break away from the narrative to describe trivial things, such as clothes. For example, you wrote:

"She wore a red full-length skirt and a white blouse that fitted her slender frame with a pair of heeled red boots."

In that above example, you broke away from the narrative and dedicated an entire sentence to what Amora was wearing. Why not include it subtly by weaving it into the narrative? So, instead of just telling us what she is wearing, show us that 'she fidgeted with her white blouse' or that she 'dusted the sand from her red skirt' – that way, there's still some action going on, but we are also getting the details you want us to have.

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Okay, so I must commend you on your great use of description! It's so refreshing to read stories that try to include intricate details, such as sensory imagery and figurative language. Well done – it's a great way to keep your writing rich.

However, just be wary: don't make the writing overly formal. Formal writing is perfectly fine, but there is also a fine line between writing an essay and writing a story. For example:

"... looked like shape-shifting monsters due to which the sun was not out of hiding."

The 'due to which' just felt very awkward and formal compared to the elements and themes within your story. If you are, however, writing in a formal way for stylistic purposes, then you must keep this consistent throughout your entire story.

Also, as mentioned above, avoid using generalised descriptive words unless you're going to elaborate on them. For example:

"The beautiful windows and doors..."

'Beautiful' is a very vague descriptor. To truly take the audience there, you need to show the setting to us by telling is what about it makes it beautiful. Were there intricate carvings along the doors? Was the glass glimmering with a kaleidoscope of colours? You need to show us what makes it beautiful, not just tell us that it is beautiful. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5

It's definitely a little difficult to judge the plot of a story when there are only three chapters. But, in terms of uniqueness, I think this story is fantastic. I simple adore the concept – the whole reincarnation elements underlying the story is something I haven't seen in a while, and something I would love to see more of. Well done in adding your own, original spin to it!

I also think you've done a fantastic job with the structure thus far, with the alternating chapters. One in Drew's perspective, then Ethan's, then back to Drew – but this time, he is in Ethan's world for a period of time. I think it was very cool.

I did find some points of the story a little rushed and unclear, but I didn't want to hammer on about it because I thought that maybe that was intentional, and you planned on clarifying a few things in the later chapters. Otherwise, good start! 

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25

Overall, a promising start! Watch out for your punctuation during dialogue, and you'll be good to go! I hope this review helps.