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Review by Sunshine: The Portrait of Evienne

Review by Sunshine: The Portrait of Evienne 

Author: JadedElegance

SPECIAL REQUESTS FROM THE AUTHOR:

- This is the start of a new work, so I'd basically like it judged on the strength of an opening.

Summary: 5/5

This is a fantastic summary. Firstly, I must commend you on your extensive vocabulary! I love it when authors use complex words correctly. But more specifically onto the summary, you masterfully introduce the main character, the general overview of the plot and the setting of the story. You also leave the reader demanding questions at the end, especially with that captivating last sentence! You should be very proud of yourself.

Grammar: 3.5/5

You very obviously know your grammar and punctuation rules – there were no obvious repeated errors that I found. But do be careful with your use of semicolon. Usually, you use them accurately, but not always. A semicolon separates two clauses that are strongly related but can also work independently. So, for example:

"Evienne tries to speak, but staring at Marguerite's eyes; they become the eyes of the Princesse's mother..."

This use of a semicolon is inaccurate because the clause, "Evienne tries to speak, but staring at Marguerite's eyes" does not work as a sentence when it is by itself. It is an incomplete sentence. Semicolons can join two complete sentences/clauses together. A comma would have been more appropriate.

Once again, you didn't want me to focus too much on grammar, so I'm just going to point out some little errors/typos I found even when I wasn't looking for them:

- In chapter 1, after the sentence ending with "her heart melting into silent tears", you have two full-stops.

- In chapter 2, in the paragraph starting with, "every so often", there are two spaces after the comma instead of one.

- In chapter 4, you're missing quotation marks after the sentence ending with, "pack my things".

Also, do be careful with your tenses. Since you're already writing in present tense, whenever you refer to something that has already happened, you don't need to say 'she had seen' or 'she had died'. You simply need to use the regular past tense. So, 'she saw' or 'she died'.

Character Building: 5/5

Wonderful. Just wonderful. You show, rather than tell – for example, rather than saying they are nervous, you talk about how bile turns in their stomach. And even better, even though it is all written in third person, I can feel the shift of tone as we alter perspectives from Evienne to Cordelia to Pierre. It's a very subtle shift, but it works wonderfully; the characters feel very distinct, from the vocabulary you use to the literary devices you weave into the writing itself.

And I must give you credit on the dialogue! It's certainly not easy creating dialogue that isn't what we hear in our day to day lives, so I must commend you on making it so realistic and mellifluous.

You clearly focus on your strengths, which are your wonderful descriptions and intricate backstories. I like how you weave them into the character rather than just word-vomiting their entire backstories. You make the reader ask questions but giving them enough to keep them captivated, but not enough to keep them completely satisfied. It's great! I was yearning for even more, and nearly made a note on it, before realising that it was probably a deliberate act on your behalf to keep the reader engaged. Well done!

Writing Style: 4.5/5

I can't pinpoint exactly how your writing style is different in this book to Immortally Beloved, but there's definitely a slight difference somewhere. And I love it. I actually think I like the writing style in this book more than Immortally Beloved; it still caries that vivid description and has that philosophical edge to it, but I think it feels less dense and has more action driving it forward. Or maybe that's because I've completely adjusted and eased myself into your writing style. But, otherwise, wonderful use of your literary devices – the metaphors were unique and beautiful, the descriptions were, as always, wonderful, and the sensory imagery was handled extremely well. Your writing is very poetic but also very clever.

Your beginnings and endings of chapters, and even the smaller chunks within the chapters, are very powerful. Even better yet, you let that strength carry throughout and expand on it. Well done on that! Everything is fluent.

I do have the smallest and nit-pickiest of critiques, but please don't hate me for it. I just happened to notice it quite a lot, and after a while, it sort of became amusing to me – which is not a great thing. While I do love the amount of showing rather than telling, you use descriptions of the eyes (narrowing, expanding) to describe a lot of things. This is usually a great thing, but too much is too much. I wasn't even looking out for it, but as I was reading, I did notice it pop up quite a lot of times. So I went back and started counting. Not including quotes, in the few chapters you have, you have the word "eyes" used 75 times. And in Chapter 2 alone, you use it 23 times. Again, very, very nit-picky, but there were several chunks of text where I could see so many "eyes", and half of them weren't necessary. Rather than saying, "her hazel eyes glared", just say that "she glared". Because too much is too much.

Plot + Originality: 5/5

Let's start with that prologue, shall we? I'll admit, I was a little thrown off; it started off quite peaceful with a lovely description of the sunset, and suddenly everything is on fire and Evienne is being burned alive? But regardless, it was incredibly captivating – I couldn't take my eyes away from the page! The dialogue between Evienne and Marguerite was incredibly dramatic and intense – in a good way – and helped build the tension wonderfully. I was actually exasperated when I found it was a dream (or was it a premonition?) – I had been so hooked and suddenly I felt like a fool for falling for it. Which is great – I love that sort of writing! I like being tricked like that, especially when it's done well! And it also made the sudden escalation of sunset to death make sense, since that sort of sudden shift tends to happen in dreams.

I can't say too much about the plot itself, since we're only really just beginning the story. But what I can say is that this is a powerful start and a solid foundation. You are amazing at introducing your setting, amazing at introducing the characters and amazing at leaving the reader hanging at the very end of each word.

Which leads me onto my final point: the intertwining of all your genres. We have some historical fiction, some gothic elements, some paranormal... and it works beautifully together. And, better yet, it doesn't feel cliché at all. I can safely say that I have never, ever read a piece quite like this. 

So, as you requested, the question is: is this a strong story opening? 

My answer: absolutely. 

OVERALL SCORE: 23/25

Maybe it's because I've eased into your writing style more, or maybe it's because your writing has polished more, but I definitely liked this one just a teeny bit more than Immortally Beloved. Wonderful storytelling, and for a first draft, it's pretty darn polished. Well done, and keep up the amazing work.