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Review by Painite: The Guardians

Title: The Guardians

Author: SydPanda5

Reviewer: awesomeSTG

Summary/Blurb: 3/5

Your blurb is already pretty interesting already, even without that excerpt. It's not everyday one can construct a story's summary in just a few sentences you know! 

In my opinion though, it was pretty unnecessary to add that said excerpt of yours in the middle. I mean, I didn't see the point of that. I know this is a very common method in Wattpad, though if I have to look at it in a professional manner, then it's a no-no. 

Okay, so last one explaining something about Lauren is what piqued my interest, though it would've been better if you introduced Atlas's character a little too. After all, he kinda shares almost just as much POVs as Lauren. 

Also, what are the stakes? I was bummed out because I found no reason to be invested in 'some random character who can control the sun,' (that's how a reader usually sees a character for the first time) so I suggest you place what will happen to Lauren if she doesn't do this and that. 

Then there's this: 

"She gains the ability to control the sun, and travel through elemental realms..." 

The comma was also unnecessary. Why? Because it makes the thought sound choppy. After all, there's only one subject. A comma is usually added before the word 'and' when there's another subject participating and connecting the sentence. 

Other than the things I pointed out, your summary's already very decent!

Description: 2.5/5

Actually, to be honestly honest, one of the reasons it took me such a while with this is because I struggled to get past your first chapter. I had no idea what was happening yet at that point, and there was just a lot of telling. You took me for a wild spin, and so my head's filled to the brim with questions. Of course, this is also pretty subjective because a person is the one who decides what is interesting to her/him. It's just that I tend to focus on more details about the surrounding area and plot that's all. 

Okay, back to the main point! You were using tell and not show. I know for one that this can be exhausting if not with practice and time. There are certain things that work better with showing, such as emotions, sensations, mental thoughts or memories, and world-building and magi. Then there's also the limited showing, built specifically for action and fast-paced scenarios. Numerous times I wanted to put my phone down because I was tired out of my wits, and numerous times more because the constant telling of emotions in bland words kinda lulled me to sleep. Yes, I'm telling that it can put the readers off. 

An example of this is Lauren. She's... um, how do I say this? She's a nice character and all, though I've seen that you tend to narrate her emotions flat out instead of slowly letting us digest them. Anger and embarrassment, for instance. When she hated how her cheeks unconsciously turn red and stuff when she's embarrassed and stuff is another example. Don't just tell us! How are we supposed to know how she feels? That's why you need to show us her hate, her frustration, a special trait that only her POV possesses. 

As far as I know how, there are two ways to show such things. One of them is the common "feel the vibes" showing, such as the 'his blood ran cold,' or 'her heart died'. Then there's the "playing with your character's vocab vibe," which is something I've actually grown fond of using. It's something that makes use of your character's personality without saying out loud that "she's a badass jerk," or whatever quirks she has. Their reaction to things around them and how they describe it is a pretty effective way to show too. And, you'll give your character depth and consistency too.