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Review by Sunshine: Coming Home

Title: Coming Home

Author: EDPowell

Summary: 4/5

Your summary is great! I like the way you used the dramatic, one-sentence paragraph, and you cohesively introduced the main characters and the general plot. I also think the quotation you used to introduce the summary was effective, because it was quite ambiguous but the paragraph following it cleared it up very nicely. Well done! There were only two things I noted.

Firstly, the, "all I got now is the camera and its the only thing I plan on shooting". The "its" should actually be "it's" because it's a condensed form of "it is".

Secondly, I think your ending should be a little more open-ended. You tell us that Lydia shows the world the chaos that exist beyond its borders. But I don't think you should say that is what she does, but rather, say that is what she aims to do. The audience should want to know whether or not she will be successful. By saying that she does exactly that, it doesn't leave much of a question. I encourage you to try leaving it in a more open-ended style.

But otherwise, your summary is quite simply wonderful. I'm very excited to read this. 

Grammar: 3.5/5

In general, your grammar is pretty good. The only issues I really found was in your punctuation. First of all, semicolons. This seems to be a common mistake all over Wattpad, so don't feel bad about it! But, anyways, a semicolon is used to separate two clauses that can work perfectly as sentences on their own, but are strongly intertwined. I've been advised that a semicolon is even a good replacement for the word 'because' or 'so'. Now, let's look at some examples:

"He held his weapon firmly against his chest as marched up to us; there were sunglasses sitting on his face, covering his ghostly eyes while his cheeks were kissed by sand."

First of all, you're missing the word 'he' between the 'as' and 'marched'. Secondly, while the two clauses on either end of the semicolon can function as independent sentences, they are not strongly intertwined enough to be connected by a semicolon. The sunglasses sitting on his face has nothing to do with the way he marches up to them. However, an accurate example of semicolon is:

"The worst part was out-processing; it took months just to even get out of the army."

This is an accurate use of semicolon because the two clauses are strongly intertwined. The out-processing is horrible because it takes months to even just get out of the army. They are related to one another.

Another thing is punctuation before closing inverted commas. So, in other words, punctuation at the end of dialogue. If the dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'he whispered' – or anything that refers to how the character is saying the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything also, it should be a full-stop. So, example:

"Pack it up, we're moving out," Sergeant Tusley threw his finger in a circular motion.

Throwing the finger in a circular motion does not refer to how the words are spoken at all. So there should be a full-stop instead of a comma, like so:

"Pack it up, we're moving out." Sergeant Tusley threw his finger in a circular motion.

Or another alternative is:

"Pack it up, we're moving out," Sergeant Tusley said, throwing his finger in a circular motion.

And if the dialogue ends with a comma, make sure the next word is not capitalised because it is technically not a new sentence. For example:

"It's just a picture," She said.

It should be:

"It's just a picture," she said.

Character Building: 5/5

As someone studying psychology, I have to say that I'm very impressed with the way you wove in the PTSD into the story. You definitely didn't romanticise it, and you didn't make Markus' entire character revolve solely on it. You showed us there is more to him than just a man suffering from PTSD, which is excellent – I hate it when authors brand characters based on disorders/illnesses. So well done! I love his interest in photography, and I love the philosophical undertones to his voice that make his narration intellectually stimulating. Good job.

And I loved Lydia, too! I love learning about how she's not as open as she seems, and her goofy voice was a nice contrast to Markus'. And I am a sucker for all the character development – Lydia is definitely not as goofy and fun as she was in those first few chapters (she's driving me mad with this whole 'We shouldn't talk anymore' to 'Okay so I'm going to have sex with you' to 'This was a mistake'). But the highlight of the development is Markus; I love that, as the chapters progress, it branches away from the PTSD flashbacks. I felt like that was a symbolic choice that shows how he is learning to love and make friends again, and leave that past behind him.

Better yet, we see the character development right down to the descriptions of the photos. I loved that moment where he noted that each newer photo had a glint in his eye that was just growing stronger and stronger. Wonderful work! And well done keeping your characters flawed – makes them so much more real for the readers. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I have mostly praise here! You use sensory imagery wonderfully – it's so nice to see Wattpad authors describe things such as smell and touch. And your manipulation of sentence structures was especially effective, especially when you used those dramatic one-sentence paragraphs or incomplete sentences to emphasise the suspense. Also, you use personification wonderfully when describing emotions such as fear, panic and dread.

There were only two things that really bugged me. Firstly, I needed more description of the setting. I don't know what the school looks like, nor do I know what the houses look like. I know that readers can generally make educated assumptions and create settings in their own head, but it's your job as the author to provide descriptions that will propel those assumptions. So please try taking some time to flesh out the setting.

Another thing is that you tended to border onto telling instead of showing. For example, the sentence:

"She crossed her arms with a terrified look on her face."

Don't tell us that the look on her face was terrified. Describe it for us. Did her mouth hang open? Did her face pale into a sheet of white? Not my best examples, but avoid telling us. Show us instead. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

There were some very wonderfully unique things about this story! I loved the incorporation of Markus' past, and the way it comes back into the present – such as the introduction of Mia. I like that the psychologist, Dr Garcia, is portrayed in a positive light (that rarely happens in stories). I like the fragmented nature of the flashbacks, and the nice and slow introduction of Lydia and Markus' romance. It's cute that they started on friendship, as opposed to the typical 'love at first sight'.

I will admit, the later chapters felt like they lost that originality because of the rather common themes in them. Female love interest already has an asshole of a partner, parties are where all hell breaks loose, the characters in love have intimate moments but suddenly move away from each other – I can't say it's all too unique.

My suggestion? Draw out those unique moments more. The photography elements, for example. Just so it branches away from the other stories out there.

OVERALL SCORE: 20/25

Overall, a great story thus far! I hope everything resolves between Lydia and Markus, and I hope Kyle is buried in an undersized hole. You've developed some wonderful characters – just fix up your punctuation and you'll be good to go. Hope this review helps!