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Review by Sunshine: Branded

Title: Branded

Author: Niella_xx

SPECIAL NOTE FROM THE REVIEWER:

I noticed almost immediately that this story is about domestic violence. I have had to work with victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse, and just this year I've been in a show about domestic violence. Prior to the show, I had many interviews with victims and perpetrators regarding the topic to strengthen my understanding.

This is both a blessing and a curse for the review. On one hand, I will appreciate all the things you have done well and the integrity you have displayed in your writing. On the other hand, I will know when things don't add up, and will be critical of that. 

Summary: 3/5

Like a lot of Wattpad authors, you've chosen to use an excerpt from your book as a summary. It's a bold choice, and you've chosen a particularly good one because it shows us figurative language and it is very intense. Well done there! The excerpt does, however, need polishing in regards to punctuation. And I suggest adding a short paragraph afterwards that summarises the plot – because, right now, there are too many possible scenarios that the excerpt alludes to. I think you should add another short, brief paragraph that introduces the main character, the conflict and a cliffhanger to leave the reader wanting to turn those pages. 

Grammar: 1.5/5

The story was still readable, which is a good start, but your punctuation and grammar absolutely need work. It's even the basics that need improving – capitals at the start of sentences, punctuation at the end of sentences, apostrophes in contractions, using quotation marks whenever there is dialogue. Please go back and polish your work.

I'm not even sure that you know the difference between the punctuation marks, but don't worry! That's what I'm here for. I've decided to break it down for you:

A comma is used to show a separation of ideas or elements within the structure of a sentence. For example:

Separation of two complete sentences: We went to the movies, and then we went out to lunch.

Separating lists or elements within sentences: Christy wanted the black, green, and blue purse.

Those are both accurate examples of a comma. The semicolon, on the other hand, is used to connect independent clauses. It shows a closer relationship between the clauses than a normal full-stop would show. An accurate use of the semicolon is:

"Christy couldn't leave him; she still loved him."

The semicolon is accurate because the reason she can't leave him is because she still loves him. The two sentences are interrelated.

There were lots of run-on sentences in your story, because you used a comma instead of a full-stop. So read over it, and see how long the gap between some words should be. If it's a long gap, I suggest something stronger than a full-stop. 

Character Building: 2.5/5

I adore Helen. She is a badass in the making, a good best friend, and her attitude clearly contrasts Christy's. Excellent work there. And the dialogue you have is thoroughly entertaining – so again, well done!

But when you introduce characters, and you introduce quite a few of them, you don't really flesh them out for us. I don't know what they look like or sound like. Remember that your reader doesn't know your characters as well as you do – flesh them out for us.

And now, here comes my knowledge of abuse. First of all, I'll start will Charles. You've made him smart and manipulative, which isn't easy to do, so well done. I'm glad you've made him know how to keep Christy – because, otherwise, we wouldn't have as much sympathy for her. You've done a good job there.

However, he needs depth. People aren't just abusive for the sake of it. They've had tragic backstories, or they've been ill-treated, too. You need to show us this, because otherwise, he is a two-dimensional antagonist which borderlines cliché. Think about giving more to his character other than 'sexy, but abusive husband'.

And now, onto Christy. I know she is in love with Charles, and I am so glad for that. I'm glad you've made her quite a naïve character, because it gives her space to improve and develop. Excellent job there. But her mood shifts are too abrupt. She literally just got punched by him one day, but she's thrilled to go shopping with him within the next few days. From my experience, she would at least be sceptical – especially since this clearly has happened before to her. Don't make her completely oblivious, otherwise it's just frustrating for the reader. Make her sceptical, and it's better that way – you can show us even more of Charles' manipulation as he manages to convince her to bend against his will. 

Writing Style: 2/5

Descriptions. Descriptions. Descriptions.

You need more of them. Descriptions of the setting, descriptions of the characters and their feelings! I will say that you do use figurative language well, but you don't use it enough. Really use that imagery to help ground the reader. Otherwise, your descriptions of the smell of blood were pretty good. Well done there!

You kept changing from first person to occasionally third person without an indication, which broke the fluency. In Chapter 6, it starts in Christy's perspective, but when she looks in the mirror, she refers to herself in third person? Then reverts back to first person? I was confused.

And generally, the writing isn't clear – especially when it came to dialogue. Name tags are so important in dialogue and, often, you don't have them. Usually, that's not a bad ting – it gets annoying to read 'he said', 'she said', 'I asked' over and over, so well done avoiding the repetition. But you definitely need to have some dialogue tags because, half of the time, I'm just left guessing who is speaking. 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

Okay, so I've been following author's notes and I'm sorry that you've had to witness the abusive aspects for yourself. I can appreciate that it's hard to write about. It's very brave of you to put those words onto a page.

But, from a critical perspective, there are plot holes. Especially regarding the mystery man (Josh). We're supposed to like him, and we're supposed to hope that Christy falls for him, but right now he's just a little weird. Firstly, it was never made clear how he found her kids when they weren't picked up from school. Additionally, how did he get Christy's number? Or know where she lives?

Also, where does Charles even work? Where are Christy and Charles' parents in all of this? Why are the kids only popping up when it is convenient? I feel like they keep randomly disappearing and reappearing. And why don't the kids have anything to say about the abuse? Clearly, they're old enough to notice it, and if mystery man can notice it, so can they.

Otherwise, you've got a steady plot going. I can't wait to see how Christy grows and develops as a character.

OVERALL SCORE: 12/25

Overall, you haven't chosen an easy topic to write about, so well done on those terms! I'm glad you've left room for character development, too. Just make sure you go back and fix up those plot-holes and punctuation issues. I hope this review helps!