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Review by Sunshine: Reborn

Title: Reborn

Author: tea_andbiscuits

Summary: 5/5

Your summary is far from conventional. It's starts with an excerpt, I assume, from the story itself, which gives the reader a glimpse of the narrator's voice. It then goes on to introduce the context in brief, snappy sentences, with a dramatic line to finish it all and leave the reader hanging.

And I loved every second of it. I loved the voice that you showed us, I like the way it subtle introduced your protagonist but also left them mysteriously nameless, and I adored the dramatic but very clear introduction of what to expect. It was snappy, impactful, and perfectly attuned to the genre you are writing in. I have nothing else to say here – I'm very excited to read on! In my opinion, while it is not a conventional summary, I still think it is a perfect one. 

Grammar: 3.5/5

For the most part, your story was pretty polished! Unfortunately, though, I am the reviewer who tends to find the sneaky little mistakes, and while I pointed out a few through comments, I decided to break down some of the bigger issues in the review.

First of all, commas. I think you have a very good understanding of how they work, but I think you need to reread your story aloud because there are some spots that are missing a comma. For example:

"Once I identified the right windowsill I jumped, graciously lading as my boot made nearly no sound."

If you read that aloud, it's quite awkward and clunky. You need a comma after the word 'windowsill' to make the sentence read more fluently.

Another issue I found was the difference between practice and practise. It's a very tricky one – not many people know it! But, basically, 'practise' is used as the verb, and 'practice' is used as the noun. So, for example:

"My hands moved smoothly, practicing moves done..."

The above sentence is inaccurate. It should be:

"My hands moved smoothly, practising moves done..."

Now, the biggest issues I found were in dialogue. First of all, there were often times where you had the dialogue and a dialogue tag with it, but the dialogue tag was in a separate paragraph to the dialogue itself. If you are going to use a dialogue tag, it is best to keep the dialogue tag in the same paragraph as the dialogue. That way, it is clearer as to who is speaking, and it is also grammatically accurate. For example:

"Please don't kill me!"

He pleaded, his tone laced with desperation.

It should be:

"Please don't kill me!" he pleaded, his tone laced with desperation.

Another thing: dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Yes," I smiled.

You can't smile your words. "I smiled" is not a verbal tag. So, it should be:

"Yes." I smiled.

Or, it can be:

"Yes," I said, smiling.

Another example:

"My wife expressed her wish to take part in the celebrations" He said.

That above example is inaccurate in terms of grammar and punctuation. We need a form of punctuation before the closing inverted commas, and it should be:

"My wife expressed her wish to take part in the celebrations," he said. 

Character Building: 5/5

I have nothing to say here. Truly, your character building is fantastic and clever. I've only read three chapters, and I adore Helèna – maybe it's because I always just love characters who are assassins, but I also think that she makes sense as a character. Her narration is tough – there's no overuse of poetic language, and the scope in which she views the world suits her work: it's purposeful, calculative, and smart. Well done!

I also loved that you did not fall into the trap of info-dumping. I especially loved the way she compared the dagger's touch to a mother's touch, and then going on to say that she wouldn't know anything about the latter. It was a clever way to reveal glimpses of the character without going overboard. Really great work here. 

Writing Style: 4.5/5

Right of the bat, I have to say that your descriptions are fantastic. I love your imagery so, so much. You go on to detail the scent, sounds and appearance of the settings, and that was especially prominent in the prologue. I do love the use of personification, metaphor and simile – you used it perfectly and appropriately without overdoing or underdoing it. Well done! I loved your use of literary devices, and your writing was just so rich with it. It truly felt like poetry told from the perspective of a badass. I loved it.

I also loved your manipulation of sentence structure! The use of one-sentence paragraphs was effective and a great way of keeping the reader engaged. Well done!

And while your writing was very professional, I do have one quick note here: try avoiding using more than one punctuation at a time. It is far more professional to stick with the one. For example:

"Why is my room dark??"

One question mark would have sufficed. If you wanted to show his exasperation, use words and dialogue tags to describe it. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 5/5

It's not easy to judge the plot of a story when we've just started the story, but I do love the direction your story is taking! I love how you introduced what I assume is the antagonist in the prologue, and I love the way you introduced Helèna with a glimpse of who she is and what she does.

I also love the concept of the houses and the animals that go with them, and I can't wait to see as your setting is fleshed out even more and these concepts are elaborated on. Consider me excited!

I've started recommending books to people who ask for reviews, simply because I think that reading books of a similar genre or theme is a great way to help one hone their writing skills. Your story reminded me quite a bit of Nevernight by Jay Kristoff – it also features an assassin protagonist, and while it takes a completely different direction and is a lot more dense in language, I think you might find it a great read since Jay Kristoff does fantastic things with his setting and, particularly, his dialogue. 

OVERALL SCORE: 23/25

Overall, a fantastic start to a story! I am loving the characterisation and the literary devices within the writing. Just work on your punctuation, and you'll be good to go. I hope this review helps!