Title: Dreams of Escape
Author: angeliadriver
Reviewer: awesomeSTG
Summary: 3/5
It's nice and all, you introduced your main character and the leading man and the problems about their love and all that, but it lacked the suspense of the actual plot. It didn't say anything about the dangers that will happen to Abigail and the reason why she's being hunted down by that dark being and why that thing wants to kill her. It's pretty important to include the stakes — as long as they won't contribute to any major spoilers. It's more thrilling that way, and the readers' interest will be piqued as to what might happen to Abby.
Other than that, there are a few things I noticed that needs polishing.
First of all, the term 'figment of her imagination' was repeated twice. This is already called redundancy, and aside from that, it's also pretty awkward. I suggest you find other terms with a close meaning to the said phrase... or proceed to changing the structure of your sentence.
Also, I had to read this sentence twice:
"How will Chad ever convince the woman he loves that he is not imaginary but real."
Umm, I think the period should be changed into a question mark instead? After all, the sentence started in a 'how'. Other than that, great job!
Description: 2/5
I can see that you're trying to make your writing fluent and professional-looking, and that you're trying to 'show' us the events, but I have the gist that you're... um, trying a little bit too hard. The way you described Abigail's pain is quite vivid and all, though I was confused and had to read the entire paragraph to understand the message.
You're trying, which is a great thing — though in my opinion, this confusion is coming from the way you structure your sentence. You're trying to make them look superfluous and complex, which, I think, backfired.
You're using a lot of adjectives, though I must advice that they do little to improve the 'showing' part of the story. they improve imagery, but not the feels. I suggest that you stick to constructing a bunch of simple compound sentences first before stringing them up with complex ones. If you filter them out one by one, you'll notice the things that need work.
Here's an example from a work of mine:
"Instead of taunting him even more, Emberchase just chuckled and threw another twig into the fire. Greedily, the flames obliged and consumed the meal with wild abandon. Asagai frowned, his nose wrinkling at the rising smoke."
Three sentences, very simple ones too. See? It's quite easier and one can easily spot if there's an error in grammar. Examples on your work will be shown on the next part.
Grammar: 2/5
To be honest, there are a lot of things you need to polish on this category. I got confused about your sentence structure and had to reread everything more often than not. Okay, let's break everything down!
First of all, you're going to and fro with your tenses. It's making things sound awkward and choppy, so I suggest that you choose only ONE tense and try not to stray away from it.
'"Come on, Krystal!" Abigail yells over her shoulder while grabbing her best friend's hand.' – present tense
'Krystal rolled her eyes then chuckled at her friend's excitement.' – past tense.

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