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Review by Sunshine: Only Human

Title: Only Human

Author: CassieDyoub1

Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]

I decided not to judge the summary you've provided, simply because it isn't a summary. Rather, it is an excerpt from the story from the perspective of your narrator. While I can't exactly say much about it, I can say that I love the sass in the narration, and the clever play of words ('peace' and 'piece) in that final sentence! It doesn't say much about the story at all, which is good since it doesn't spoil the story.

I can't really say much else here. So, onto the story itself! 

Grammar: 2/5

Okay, bear with me here – I have quite a bit to talk about. You asked me to focus on grammar, and I also found that this was a spot you may need to work on. So, this will probably be the longest section.

First of all, watch out for contractions. When you are combining to words together (such as "would have" to "would've"), that is when you use the apostrophe to combine the words together. Another instance you use the apostrophe is when you're describing something that belongs to that character. However, in the following examples, you wrote:

"The Master's stood side by side."

That is incorrect. There is more than one Master, and it isn't: "The Maser is stood side by side". Therefore, it should be:

"The Masters stood side by side."

Next, you have a lot of typos throughout your story. For example, simple ones such as:

"... Artur skilfully flip assey 126..."

It should be 'asset', I believe. Also, on that note, you sometimes wrote Artur, but you sometimes wrote Arthur, even though you were referring to the same character. Additionally, there were instances where your sentences were missing full-stops on the ends. I would go back and polish those up. Along with that, double-check your proper nouns. Locations or even special events, such as "Mother's Day", must be capitalised since they are proper nouns.

Next: punctuation and dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"And that girl could make things explode by just touching them." Teddy added.

The 'Teddy added' directly refers to the dialogue being spoken. Therefore, it should be:

"And that girl could make things explode by just touching them," Teddy added.

Also, since it is a comma, unless the next word is a proper noun, it does not need to be capitalised. For example:

"She has much more to learn," His taller college replied.

In that example, you wrote 'college' even though I think you meant 'colleague'. Also, since there was a comma before the closing inverted commas, the 'his' does not need to be capitalised. It should be:

"She has much more to learn," his taller colleague replied.

Character Building: 3.5/5

Okay, let me just say, Harper's narration is fantastic. It's sassy, quirky, and badass. I love that she asks rhetorical questions, I love that she almost acknowledges the reader, and I just think she makes a clever protagonist that is engaging and rather comedic to follow at times. I think that you've kick-started the story with a strong voice, and I commend you for that!

I also like how her backstory is woven into the writing. It's not info-dumped, but rather, there are moments that bring her back into it and moments that snap her out of it. It's a great way to keep the readers on their toes – well done.

Just a warning: you do introduce quite a fair number of characters within those first five chapters. I'd urge you to slow down the pace whenever you introduce them, and rather than focusing on their appearance strictly, describe their tone of voice, their posture, their reactions to things. If you asked me to describe your side characters thus far, I wouldn't be able to all that well because they all kind of melded into one due to the fast-paced nature of your plot.

Also, be careful of showing and not telling. Even in small instances like:

"Now, I actually felt pity for him."

Since it is in first-person, you can use physiological reactions. You can say things about the heart aching, about the blood turning hot, about the stomach churning. It'll help your readers delve into the story even more. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

The way you write action is great! It's very fast-paced and has a clear structure to it, and I liked the way you milked out that fight scene in the prologue and only stopped it once she started to twist Arthur's head – it was a great way to keep the reader clinging onto each word. I do wonderful whether you could add more figurative language to your writing, particularly sensory imagery – sounds, smells, etc.

Using figurative language can really help set up a mood for each of your chapters, and that was what I found myself craving more of in your story. You have such a cool, sci-fi element to your story, and I really wanted to feel that in every paragraph.

For example, let's go back to that fight scene in the prologue. Do you hear a crunch when Asset 126 smashes her elbow into Arthur's temple? Can you smell the stale stench of sweat? These things help build intensity and tension. Use them to your advantage! Even in medical rooms, out on the streets, when you're ordering scrambled egg – make us feel the mood you want us to feel.

I loved the way you varied your sentence style and length. Your use of one-sentence paragraphs was incredibly effective, and I liked how it contrasted the longer, more bulky paragraphs. Great work! Do be careful when using adjectives – make sure they make sense. Writing things like, "I replied faultlessly" just doesn't quite sound right. Did you mean 'without hesitation'? 

Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5

It's a little hard to judge the strength of a plot with only five chapters available, but I will say that I thought the beginnings and endings of chapters were incredibly powerful, and the transition between the chapters were fluent and easy to follow.

I love the world-building – it is very slick, and you weave it throughout the narration and action very well. It's not overwhelming, it's not info-dumped, and it's very engaging. I love the concept of the agents, as well as the telekinetic powers that were also thrown into the mix. I like how they don't bother with names so much, and just refer to some characters as numbers, and the recurring notion of making up a name was also interesting – perhaps it's symbolism? Perhaps it says something about the world?

I'll admit, I was a bit worried in the prologue. I was worried that Asset 126 would be some overpowered character who is just perfect in every way, but it's nice to see there is more to her – that she isn't perfect, and that she even gets hit by a dart in the next chapter. It was great. Keep up with that – it's always nice to see the mundaneness in the characterisation.

OVERALL SCORE: 13/20

Overall, an intriguing start with lots of cool elements! Make sure you work on thoroughly polishing your story, and you will be good to go. I hope this review helps!