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Review by Painite: Survival

Book: Survival 

Author: Stormwolfwriters

WARNING: BLUNT CRITIQUE AT WORK

Summary/Blurb: 1.7/5

Unfortunately, I don't really find the blurb interesting. Even though you kept it short and directly to the point, you can always point the readers to a new light. 

"What makes your story different/unique from the rest?" Ask yourself that question. Then take the good parts and place them in the summary. Don't spoil anything though - you still need to arouse the reader's curiosity. 

Like the fact that they don't get their names until they're 18. You can use that aspect, since I find it pretty unique and all.

Description: 2/5

Hmm... The way you structure the sentences are good and all, but you tend to use the telling card, which is holding back the potential of your story. You don't have to tell everything - it's making the book sound scripted. Give your story more life! Show us  by not only using sight, but by using other sensory imagery - hearing, touch, smell, taste and emotions. This is usually why fantasy stories are lengthy, since one needs to induce the 'feelings' for it to reach the readers. Play with words, simile, metaphor, personification, hyperbole. 

Grammar: 3/5

As stated earlier, the way you structure your sentences is nice and all, but needs more polishing. There's also the need for commas, since you have a lot of run-on sentences. How to find them? Try reading the story aloud and, if you're catching your breath by the time you reach the period, that's the time where you can say that you need to use a comma. Punctuations such as semicolons [;], colons [:] and dashes [-] also add variation, so use them as you wish.

Also, don't capitalize the first letter outside quotation marks, like this: 

"Anabel Green from Storminghill," Everyone of us...

'Everyone' here shouldn't be capitalized. 

Also this: "Everyone of us was..."

'Was is used for singular purposes, and you're using 'us'; therefore, you should use 'were' instead. 

In "Thank Goodness," the 'Goodness' shouldn't be capitalized. The capitalization is usually there to give respect to a God, hence why 'Thank God' is capitalized. Unless you have a God called Goodness, there is no need to capitalize it. 

Characterization: 3/5

I really like Charlisle's character here! She's strong and smart, and reliable in the Survival Games... But the rest, well... You have to make them grow, too. Different characters should have different attitudes, and each of them isn't just there to assist the MC. Make their attitudes livelier as well with concrete emotions and real flaws to make them more well-rounded - that will make them just as real to the readers as they are to you.

Plot: 4.5/5

The entire Survival Games kinda reminds me of The Hunger Games. I like the overall plot of the story, and it's already completed, so all you need to do is polish them. I really loved the aspects of their names and the futuristic setting!

Realism: 3.5/5

There's just a teensy bit of info I need to point out: I noticed that you used the word 'we' often, especially when they're all injured and all... But maybe you can add variation? I was guessing that maybe you can further emphasize the actions of others. You can create variation by the way they speak, their expression, body language, etc. 

*Oh yeah... The futuristic genre and magic can be categorized into fantasy, but I noticed that this story has a higher potential in the sci-fi genre. What do you think?

Overall Score: 17.7/30

Thank you for choosing me, Painite, as your reviwer! I'm so sorry if I was being blunt, please forgive me... But these are only my opinions, and may vary from a different person's perspective. So keep an open mind, polish thy already amazing story, and type on! 

(Sorry if I offended you...)

Side note from Sunshine: 

If you are offended in any way, please don't act rashly. Read over what the reviewer said carefully, as they have justified themselves very well. If you are still unsatisfied with the review, please refer to the FAQs chapter and go from there. 

If you would like an Editor to help polish your work, please refer to the Ruby's Editing Store, which has already been published on this account.