Sapphire's Review Store 💙

Review by Lone Wolf: Call of the Decads

Title: Call of the Decads

Author: Bananadas

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Quick note from reviewer: 

I'm super sorry for the wait!! I've been busy with work and classes and family stuff.

Summary: 4/5

I liked it. It was short and simple and gave a reason for the reader to get interested. But I feel it might be lacking a bit of descriptions, so you might want to add a little to it!

Grammar: 3/5

- First thing that stood out to me were the ellipses. Usually, they're written just as three periods (...). Not any more or less.

- Tenses of the verbs. You switch on and off between the present and past tense (are is present, were is past. Say is present, said is past.

There's also some areas that the sentences are worded weirdly: 

"Torren, can you get the paper works from my office and hand them to me? I have a meeting right now, give 'em to me there." My boss said, looking at him I walk back to his office at the end of the hallway.

First off, I don't think 'paper works' is a phrase most people use. The sentence after the dialogue isn't worded well. Here's my suggestion for this area. 

"Torren, can you get the paperwork from my office? I've got a meeting right now so hand them to me there," my boss huffed out. I stared at him while walking to the office; it was situated at the far end of the hallway.

Just a little different. Slip in descriptions here and there. Subtle ones always help build it up better...I'll go over that more in writing style. 

You've got some misplaced modifiers. I'll go over the one I found in chapter 1:

"What the-" clenching my eyes closed, my hands were in front of my face.

Clenching isn't a speaking verb. Look up dialogue tags and you'll understand what I mean. Your misplaced modifier makes it sounds like your hands are clenching your eyes closed.

"What the-" I grumbled. I clenched my eyes tightly, and held my hands out, trying to protect myself from the unknown assailant.

Is that a little better?

Character Building: 2/5

There isn't much of this. A lot of it's dialogues and not a lot of descriptions of the surroundings. You've got down that she's got an interesting situation and she's stuck with the Avengers! And is working alongside of them! I feel like she'd be more excited (though that might just be me.) I've said this to someone else before, but play on what the Marvel characters are famous for! Maybe a knowing smirk, or a dimple in their cheek, their hair color. Play on their personality traits, slip in descriptions of them here and there.

Writing Style: 1/5

There's a lot of errors, not just with switching tenses but also using phrases. You write helding back in one chapter, when I think you meant holding. Try and go over before you publish a story and ask someone to review it. It'll help you avoid simple mistakes like spelling errors.

You combine dialogues between different characters. It made it very confusing to read because sometimes I couldn't tell who was the speaker, and with the addition sentences you had, it made it hard to pin the description to the speaker. Make sure to separate the dialogues when writing, it'll make it flow a bit easier. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 2/5

The plot seems a little rushed and kind of...not there. It's a lot of dialogues, a fight scene, then more dialogues and passive aggressive comments and some flashbacks. That and coupled with the dialogues, it makes it a hard read because of how it jumps from character to character and the lack of consistency throughout the story. I do think it'd be interesting with editing though! I can sense her and Steve ending up with each other (or that's just me reading into things too much).

OVERALL SCORE: 12/25