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Review by Sunshine: The Sandman

Book: The Sandman 

Author: MermaidsAndStarfish

Summary: 5/5

I don't have much to say here except that I loved it! Usually, I'm sceptical when authors use a quotation to lure readers in, but you've chosen a great quotation that is poetic and captivating. Plus, you've included a summary after the quotation, which is also great. I love the drama and tension that you build, the way you contrast the Sandman to common misconceptions and your true version of him, and the way you tie it all together with rhetorical questions. Really well done here!

Grammar: 4/5

Your grammar is pretty much perfect, so props to you for keeping your work polished and understanding your grammatical rules. The only issue I really found had to do with punctuation.

First of all, and I've noticed this is a common theme with most stories on Wattpad, is the misuse of the semicolon. A semicolon is used to separate two clauses that can work perfectly as sentences on their own, but are strongly intertwined. I've been told that a semicolon is even a good replacement for the word 'because' or 'so'. So, let's take a look at some examples:

'It outlined the trembling silhouette of Lannette D'barbarac with silver moonlight that slithered through the window like a lone viper; brushing past draperies and creeping into the shadowed crevices.'

In this instance, the use of a semicolon is inaccurate. This is because the clause after the semicolon does not function as a sentence on its own. 'Brushing past draperies and creeping into the shadowed crevices' is not a complete sentences. Another example:

'A gasp left her lips, and she turned to face Tauren; her hands clasped over her lips in surprise.'

In this sentence above, the use of semicolon is also inaccurate. While both clauses work as complete sentences on their own, they are not strongly intertwined. She didn't clasp her lips with her hands because she turned to face Tauren. She clasped her lips because of the beautiful room.

An accurate use of semicolon looks like this:

'The storms of the past few days had been harsh, Rae noted; all the bark had been stripped and scarred, twisted in patterns that reminded her of seaside waves.'

This sentence above (it's not from your story) utilises semicolon accurately. She noted that the storm had been harsh because all of the bark had been stripped and scarred. Both clauses can work as independent sentences, and they are closely intertwined.

Also be careful of your utilisation of commas. The sentence, 'So she sucked in a trembling breath, and fisted her blue quilt tighter', does not actually need a comma between the words 'breath' and 'and'. And in the sentence, 'His deep-set eyes were the clearest blue, - very different from her dark brown ones – and shadows clung to his lean frame', the comma before the first dash is unnecessary.

Otherwise, well done.

Character Building: 4/5

You've done a pretty good job with characters so far. Lannette seems like such a mundane compared to everything happening around her, which I love – I like that she doesn't quite settle in instantly. The way she considers everything to be a dream was a nice, realistic touch to the intricate fantasy world in the setting. I also particularly loved the characterisation of The Sandman – it's so freaking terrifying! I love it!

Your use of language idiosyncrasies was also great. I love that little moment where Lannette called it pyjamas, while Tauren referred to them as night uniforms. Really helps distinguish the upbringings and knowledge of both characters.

One thing that seriously bothered me about Lannette was that, even after she was settled into her room, she didn't really think about her parents. She thought about them once in chapter four, when she was convincing herself it was a dream, but that didn't feel like enough to me. Because it didn't show us that she really cared about them; she was just going over the morning routine that would happen once she 'woke up'. I wanted her to worry about what they would think when they found her missing, I wanted her to wonder whether they would worry for her the same. I understand that she has a lot to think about with the new setting and walking on clouds, but I think it would show a lot more depth if she took a fleeting moment to ask if her parents would be okay, or whether she could talk to them.

Also, I feel like the King and Queen you introduced were too similar. They both felt like they were slightly drawn from stereotypes of royalty, which is fine, but I recommend that you branch them out and away from each other a bit more. Give them quirks, make them contrast each other – be bold!

Writing Style: 5/5

I'm going to start by saying your poem, at the start about the Sandman was magnificent. I'm not the most knowledgeable when it comes to poetry, but I will say that it was written wonderfully. It had all the right literary devices, such as metaphor and juxtaposition. It introduced the general theme of your story, and even captured the suspense and drama in those last few lines. Well done.

And moving into the story yourself, you maintain that poetic-like tone. I love the use of literary devices, I love your use of dramatic one-sentence paragraphs, and I love that you show rather than tell. Your descriptions of the setting have been great, though I wish I got a bit more on the interior of the castle – but that's me being picky. And just make sure that you don't oversaturate your story with metaphor and simile. The writing is beautiful and intricate, but keep it purposeful. But otherwise, you have wonderful cohesion and flow. Excellent work here.

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

I love the idea of the Sandman! It's so different to the norm, which is great! It was eerie and dark, and I was really intrigued to know what he would do once Lannette hit the age of twenty. Props to you on coming up with that wonderful idea, as well as creating such a beautiful world above the clouds.

There were definitely some parts, however, that weren't so original. Like the whole idea of Lannette being 'special', and being perhaps like the all-powerful woman in the ancient book. It's quite a common trope in fantasy especially, so I encourage you to perhaps try to find unique ways to weave Lannette into the story.

Also, while I don't know much about the plot to come, I do wish that you fleshed out the drama more! For example, when they were running away from The Sandman, that could have been built up even more. You could have had the Sandman so close as they were running that she could feel his fingertips brushing against her back as she reached the stairs. You really could have amped up the tension, just to emphasise the contrast between that terrifying dark man cloaked in shadows and the castle made out of sunset. That would have made the beginning far more gripping and captivating. But that's just a suggestion!

OVERALL SCORE: 21.5/25

Overall, a promising start! Just fix up those semicolons, and consider fleshing out the drama and adding in a bit more action to keep your readers captivated. I hope this review helps!