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Review by Lone Wolf: Her Queen

Title: Her Queen

Author: Moonessola

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 1/5

The summary doesn't give us much besides showing that someone is being possessive of a princess. I can see from the tags that it's based within the Marvel Universe (particularly the current one). But there's no introduction of characters or hint of conflict. If you need help writing blurbs check out ray_of_sunshine9 and her book 101 Writing Tips From An Exhausted Reviewer! She gives great tips on making a clear cut blurb, one that doesn't give away too much information and one that can entice the reader.

Grammar: 3.5/5

I tend to be picky about grammar so bear with me. You switch some verb tenses within the first chapter and there just a whole host of introductions of characters. If you haven't seen Ultron, it'll be confusing (Yes! Some people haven't seen it and probably only watched a few of the movies, like me...well, I'm more of a Deadpool fan). I'll get to the introduction later on though. If you're doing dialogue tags, use a comma, not a period, like so:

"She said that blah blah," I told her. 

Or: 

"She said that blah blah." I huffed the words out, tired of having to repeat myself. 

I think there are typing errors here and there (mistakes that happen when you're typing fast, don't worry, I do this a ton too). For example, in the third chapter within the first few paragraphs:

What type of magician am is?

I'm pretty sure you can see what's wrong. Am and is are both verbs and can't be together, but I think you were meaning to type 'am I?'. This would be a POV shift, which I'll go over in writing style.

You've been writing in the past tense for the most tense. Make sure that verbs match that (am = present, was = past; is = present, was = past; do/does = present, didn't = past). 

Numbers, generally speaking, should be written out, unless it's important to the story, like something the characters are seeing. If it's a date or a specific period of time, or age, write out the number.

Character Building: 3/5

I'm a little conflicted here. You show us the scene with her mother and it hurts the way she talks...but reading at least four chapters in, I have no idea what Bella looks like. That and with the POV shifts, it makes it confusing. Usually writers stick to one point of view (first, second, third, that kind of thing. You show us that she's powerful and strong (working the Avenger's isn't the easiest thing), and the small backstory before the real story begins. I think incorporating it within the story would be better, since she's already the voice (for a majority) of the story. 

Writing Style: 2/5

Starting off, you wrote mostly in the third person (writing Orabella this that), but then it switches to first person (I, we, me). It left me very confused as to how to read the story. Stick to one point of view style, as it's not encouraged to switch between, especially with as much as you do.

There are areas where it's unclear who's speaking and who isn't. Try adding dialogue tags, or a sentence after to let us know who's speaking.

I think you need to add descriptions. I know it's a fanfiction, but adding things like "his green eye" or stuff about the surroundings would help (given it's written in first POV...sometimes)

You also jump scenes with only a page breaker (--- or ~~~). Try to give some context before saying, "four months later" or I saw Tony talking to some man (after she lands in Wakanda). Also, if it's two people within a sentence, please separate their dialogues. It makes it kind of confusing, as a reader.

Like in this sentence: King? Should I like...bow? I think he could see how awkward I was and laughed.

It sounds like Bella's laughing. Here's my suggestion:

King? Did I need to bow? He seemed to pick up on my discomfort and to my surprise, he laughed.

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

In terms of uniqueness, I like how you've created a character and slipped her into the Marvel Universe. It's like she's already a character within the universe! She's also kick-ass and I love that kind of female character. But the plot follows the timeline of Ultron, so it's not too original. I think there's a lot of holes, like when you insert a page breaker and jump areas, as well as when people are talking to each other. In addition, adding descriptions of the surroundings and the people really helps the reader connect with your story! Play on the Marvel characters; considering that all of them have something unique, it makes it a ton easier.

OVERALL SCORE: 12.5/25