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Review by Cherylene: Hearts

Title: Hearts

Author: fantasy_panda2003

Reviewer: SamMacyLove

NOTE FROM REVIEWER: 

This review will contain spoilers. 

The points you asked me to focus on were: 

- Character Building 

And the points you asked me to not focus on were: 

- Grammar & Spelling

Summary: 4/5

The summary was pretty good, revealing the right amount ofinformation, without giving away too much. The only reason I didn't give itfull marks was, the main character, Lily, was not properly introduced. We knowthat she has a chronic heart disease and that she meets someone who will impacther life, but we don't know much about her to even care about those things.

Grammar: 3.5/5

(Since you told me not to focus on this, I will just showyou some repetitive mistakes, so that you can reference something whileediting.)

First of all, as I commented on your story, the sudden changefrom winter to spring made me and many others confused. I would suggest makingthe change a little smoother.

In chapter six, I don't know if there was supposed to be an 'F'or not, but its positioning just after awkward made it seem like it was a swearword. It may just be me, but in a book where there is absolutely no cuss word,I highly recommend removing it.

In the same chapter, in the last paragraph, Carson andCaitlyn are shown to be coming in the drugstore. But it ends abruptly at Lilyfeeling rage and pain. I think you should have shown why they were here, and ifthey saw Lily or not, because in drugstores, it is highly possible that even ifthere are a lot of workers, you will notice a familiar face. Also, Lily is,until now, shown to have a calm persona, but out of nowhere, she gets angry. Isuggest making the transition smooth.

One last thing. The POV change. The chapters where she is getting operated, I recommend making those two or three all in Jackson's POV. The shift from Jackson's to Caitlyn's to Lily's is kinda confusing. Also, in chapter twenty-five, the last part, where she agrees with her dad, I suggest making that a little more longer and descriptive. It is a life-altering decision, and if the reader does not get the feels, it is a good moment wasted.

Overall, I would say that your book has pretty impressive grammar for a book that is not yet edited, but some changes should be made other than the grammar and spelling.

Character Building: 4.5/5

Your book had impressive character building. Each characterhad his or her own personality, no two seeming even remotely similar. And, yourbook had just the right amount of characters, not too many and not too few. But,I think something can be improved here. Carson is a character who has only beenmentioned twice in the whole book. First, he randomly appears in chapter six,and then, randomly disappears till chapter nine. I suggest making him a moreconsistent character with his own persona. Maybe Lily crashes into him somewhere,and she gets a player vibe from him. Or maybe she meets him after the break-up,seeing him already moving on and hooking up with someone. I know these are notthe best examples, but Carson should make more of an appearance at least tillthe twelfth chapter.

Writing Style: 5/5

You had a great writing style. You showed rather than told. You also had a good grasp of similes and metaphors and a great senseof humour. I loved the part of Caitlyn looking like a "kangaroo with ADHD". Ialso like the way you leave just the right amount of setting to the reader'simagination, keeping it interesting.

Plot + Uniqueness: 4.5/5

Never heard before. It is a unique plot, with the rightamount of twists. I like the idea of the plot very much, hooking andattention-capturing. I read the whole book in one sitting, it was thatinteresting. 

Okay, spoiler alert, I particularly liked the twist, whereinLily had a heart attack while she was enjoying herself. Although, the secondlast twist, the one where the reader is questioning whether or not she willwake up, is kind of spoiled by switching to her POV. I suggest making it fromJackson's POV, making the last line be a dialogue of the nurse, leaving on aninteresting cliffhanger, somewhat like this, 

The nurse came out, looked at all of us one by one, andsaid, "Lily, she..."

And end the chapter there, not continuing the dialogue, butshifting to Lily's POV, where she is opening her eyes to her father's face.

OVERALL SCORE: 21.5/25

I really hope this review helped you to improve your book.It is mostly about polishing your grammar (which you are already doing) and changingthe way things play out a little bit differently. Keep up with the good work!

Please PM me if this was helpful or not, andgive your views on it. Thank you!