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Review by Sunshine: The Undying

Title: The Undying

Author: lokai47

Summary: 3.5/5

I have to say, the first line of your summary is absolute perfection. It is such a captivating way to introduce your book, and it really had me ready to read more. Well done!

The rest of your summary is also pretty good. It introduces the protagonist, the setting, and the hints at the conflict (mystery cases). I wonder, though, whether you could flesh this out more. First of all, could you perhaps give the reader a glimpse of what some of these mystery cases are? For all we know, there could be a six-year-old stealing spoons from the local restaurant. Obviously, I highly doubt it is that, but my point is that you could captivate the reader more by showing them how serious these mystery cases are.

Additionally, what are the stakes? If Mason can't solve the cases, what will happen? Will SilverWoods be trapped in a turmoil of corruption forever? Make sure you mention the stakes, so that the reader can understand and support the protagonist even before the story has begun.

Finally, your punctuation is a little messy. Let's look at the line below:

"Mason Bridge, a sheriff that hasn't seen his fair share of crime, in fact, SilverWoods is thee most safest place in the world, as well as the most quiet."

Okay, first of all, this feels like it is supposed to be two sentences but was squeezed into one. Next, 'thee' should be 'the', and 'most safest' is redundant – 'safest' would suffice. This would look a lot neater:

"Mason Bridge is a sheriff that hasn't seen his fair share of crime; in fact, SilverWoods is the safest place in the world, as well as the most quiet."

Grammar: 2/5

Okay, so since your story is officially complete, I highly recommend you go back now and polish up the grammatical mistakes. A few are just typos, such as writing, 'coguh' instead of 'cough', but there are some rules that you break rather consistently. I thought I'd break them down for you here, so you can refer back to it when you're editing.

First of all, let's talk dialogue. When there are two characters speaking to one another, each character should get a new paragraph when they speak. For example:

"Honey?" Liam calls slowly. "He is gone, baby. He is gone." Kathy's eyes pouring out.

Since it was supposed to be two characters speaking, it should be:

"Honey?" Liam calls slowly.

"He is gone, baby. He is gone," Kathy said, tears pouring from her eyes.

Now, you probably noticed that I changed the "Kathy's eyes pouring with tears". I made this change because it wasn't a complete sentence. Sentences like "Jefferson reminiscent of his father's tales" and "Grant imagining every detail possible" are not complete. Additionally, you also have to look out for typos – you had a lot of them, and you also had sentences missing the full-stop at the end. Along with this, you mixed up words that are similar but have slightly different meanings. For example:

"There's a serial killer on the loss."

It should be:

"There's a serial killer on the loose."

Additionally, you wrote:

"Your alright, Baldwin."

You were trying to write, "You are alright, Baldwin" with the contraction, "You're". It should be: