“Hon...ang lalim yata ng iniisip mo...”--- napangiti ako sa babaeng katabi ko sa bench. Nasa may bench kami sa hospital garden.
“hmm...I don’t know...you’re just beside me, pero ikaw parin ang nasa isip ko, aren’t you tired?”
She smiled and touch my hand.
“te’amo...”
Sa halip na sagutin ko sya, I kissed her on the lips.
She was advised to have some rest, pero mas pinili nyang sa bahay nalang magpagaling. Sa bahay ko.
Araw araw akong umaalis, at naiiwan sya sa bahay kasama ang 2 maids. Ako naman nagpapakabusy para sa paghahanda ng wedding namin.
Instead of December 30, pinareschedule ko iyon ng mas maaga. Gusto ko ng makasal sa kanya.
The wedding planner accompanied me.
It will be a beach wedding instead of church. At pili lang ang mga bisita namin. Gusto ko iyong mga importante at malalapit na kaibigan lang ang makasaksi sa kasal namin.
“Time is running out Dean...the longer we delayed the chemotherapy, the shorter the chance for her to live... honestly...She’ll only have 6-10 months to live...Im sorry”
Palagi kong naaalala ang katagang yun ni Reggie, at sa tuwing maaalala ko iyon hindi ko mapigilang maluha.
Si Renee, I didn’t ask for her in my life, but he gave her to me...
Para ano? Para bawiin agad?
Shit. Palagi nalang bang mawawala ang mga taong mahal ko?!
She always believed na magkakasama pa kami ng matagal. Na mabubuhay pa sya ng matagal, pero bakit ngayon ganito ang nangyayari? I cant tell her what the doctor said, dahil siguradong mahihirapan syang tanggapin yun.
She’s been the gayest woman na nakilala ko, at hindi ako papayag na mawala ang Masaya nyang mga ngiti ng dahil lang sa sakit nya.
I went home late night. I drank with a friend. Sinadya kong umuwi ng late para hindi ko sya abutan ng gising. Ayokong Makita nya akong namumula ang mga mata. Hindi ko kayang amining umiyak ako. So gay.
I opened the room’s light and I was shocked.
“ginabi ka na...”--- it was Renee sitting on the bedside
“y—yeah, I’m sorry...I—uh..w—we just”
“forget it! I was just waiting to tell you good and bad news...which one do you want to know first?”--- she was smiling but the look in her eyes, it was full of pain and uncertainties.
Tinabihan ko sya at inakbayan. She pulled me and laid my head on her shoulder.
“the good news...please”
“Well...I’ve visited my personal doc, because these past few days I’m always having trouble with my stomach...palaging masakit ang ulo ko tuwing umaga, ang akala ko nga vertigo lang...but he advised me to go and see Ellen Yu, yung OB?”
“then?”---ako, playing with her hair
“then...Doc Ellen told me that...”
“God...I hate suspense...”
“haha! Dean...I’m... Im uh---
“you’re what?!”
“I’m 3 weeks pregnant...”
“a—ano?”
“I’m pregnant Dean...”
I gasped. I was thinking about her condition. Paano nya pang kakayanin ang magdala ng baby sa condition nya? But she looks very happy.
“D---Dean, a—arent you happy?I—I thought magiging Masaya ka...”
“No! I mean---yes I’m happy, ofcourse I’m happy...”---I kissed her on the forehead, “a---ano ang bad news?”
“hmm---I didn’t tell my OB about my sickness...”
“hmm, he needs to know hon...para—para maalalayan ka nya throughout...sasamahan kitang magpacheck up tomorrow...”
“sabi ko na nga ba iyan ang sasabihin mo...But hon, I’m happy dahil kahit mawala ako, may maiiwan akong alaala sa’yo...”--- she smiled as if there’s no problem; as if she’s not sick.
“ano ba! Akala ko nangako ka na sa akin na hindi mo ko iiwan? Wag ka na magsalita about you leaving me...”
Nagpeace sign lang sya ng nakangiti.
Haay...Inakbayan ko na sya papunta sa kwarto namin at pinanuod matulog. After an hour of memorizing her angelic face, nagpunta ako sa kusina at kumuha ng malamig na beer. Ang bigat bigat ng pakiramdam ko.
Pero hindi ko sya isusuko agad ng ganun kabilis. I know bearing the baby would be very risky. And it would be a burden to her. Pero paano ko iyon sasabihin kung sa tuwing babanggitin nya ang tungkol sa baby, nakikita kong nabubuhay ang mga ngiti sa mata nya?
It’s my baby, at Masaya akong magkababy sa babaeng mahal ko, but I would never sacrifice her life.
At kung kinakailangan kong ipagpalit ang buhay ng baby, gagawin ko iyon makasama lang ng matagal si Renee.
“I’m sorry Dean, i really don’t want to discourage you to fight for the baby...But her life is in danger, kung itutuloy nya ang pagbubuntis, there’ll be no more chance in saving her...hindi naman natin pwedeng ichemo si Renee while she has the baby in her tummy..”
Just like I thought. I had a hard time last night thinking about her, and our baby.
“it’s up to you...If you choose the baby, then wala na akong magagawa kundi tulungan lang syang umabot hanggang sa maideliver nya ang baby, but I cant asure you that the baby is healthy...hindi nga tayo sure kung kakayanin nyang dalhin yun ng siyam na buwan...”
“S—she was... she was so happy ng sabihin nyang---buntis sya... her smile was priceless...”
“kailangan nyong mag usap pare...ayoko namang panghimasukan ang buhay nyo, ang akin lang, baka kasi magkaroon ng mga complications kung hindi pa sya magpapagamot...kumakalat ang cancer cells nya, she needs an immediate medication...”
“i—I’ll talk to her about it...sasabihan nalang kita kung anuman ang desisyon...”
“okay...but make it quick okay?, oh sige na, I need to attend to other patients...”
“sge, salamat pare...”
Matagal ng nakaalis si reggie pero andito pa rin ako nakatayo at nag iisip. Actually hindi ko na nga alam kung anong iisipin ko o kung saan ako magsisimula.
Parehas kong mahal si Renee at ang soon-to-be-baby namin pero...
Hindi ko kayang mawala si Renee, mas kailangan ko sya.
