Randy One Shots

I will look after you no matter what.

I actually typed a 5,000 word oneshot but I don't know if I want to post it yet so I typed this as a back up so I hope this is okay xx Now this oneshot is about DEPRESSION. And please don't read if it triggers you, I am going to be typing it based on my form of depression. Also Alex isn't in this sorry. So if it seems different then I am sorry.

Rye's POV

Why did it have to hit me now? We were all down stairs just standing around in the kitchen laughing. No matter how I feel inside I always hide it with a smile or a small laugh, it feels like I have to lock away how I feel from the world. It's just not fair... But I still don't show them how I feel. 

I look to the left of me I see Andy and Mikey playing with the puppy. They both have genuine smiles on their faces... Why can't I? I look to my right to see Brooklyn and Jack looking at something on Jack's phone. The both seem happy too. None of the boys knew about my depression... And I never really wanted them to find out in a way but at the same time I wished that they knew so whenever I looked like I was faking a smile or being a bit different, they would understand why. Andy (my boyfriend) didn't even know about it. Which was good but I wish that he did... So I wouldn't have to go through it alone. I was surprised he hadn't noticed to be honest.  I couldn't be around them anymore... I could feel my depression getting beyond it's limit. So I walked out the kitchen and went to my room and locked the door.

 No one even noticed I left, which I was grateful for as I hated it when people feel sorry for me but sometimes I wished that someone knew how I felt inside...  The room was cold and silent which made me feel even more alone than I needed to feel... It's nearly time to go home for Christmas which I was ready for, yes I love the boys, yes I love the roadies but sometimes there is no place like home. Climbed on to my bed and sat down on it and looked at my hands. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be better boyfriend to Andy? Why can't I look after myself? I got distracted by the door opening and I saw Andy walking into the room with a concerned look on his face. 

He climbed up to my bed and sat down next to me. With his Santa hat still on from this morning, which made him look adorable may I add.  "You seem unhappy babe, what's wrong?" He asked as he held my hand and started to play with my fingers which put another fake smile. I want to get rid of this fake smile but it seems to stay with me... "I am fine babe, let's go downstairs and watch a movie in the cinema room?" I asked as I knew that if I talked about it then I would brake down and that would ruin Christmas eve... "You sure? I am always here for you, no matter what" He said as we both went downstairs, which made me feel more uncomfortable. 

We went down stairs and Brooklyn suggested that we watched Elf as it's our favorite Christmas film but right now I just want to escape my thoughts but they kept grabbing me and dragging me back towards the hell my minds putting me in. Andy was cuddled up to me and watching the TV screen, I looked at his perfect face and saw his beautiful face. He really was perfect, why would he want to go out with me..? I don't have the most perfect hair, I don't have the most fittest body. And I really don't have a good sense of humor... "Babe are you enjoying the movie?" Andy asked me as I looked down at him, with his worried face. He always seemed worried about me now a days which upset me as I hated making him worry... 

"Yeah, Just thinking about Christmas" I lied again. I hate lying to him but I need to sometimes so he won't worry.  I should go upstairs.. "I am tired, when the movies over come and join me in my bed if you want" I said and without waiting for him to answer, I left the room  and ran upstairs so I could be alone. 

Finally alone at last, not hurting anyone else just myself. As soon as my bedroom door closed, the evil thoughts in my mind started to cloud my mind. Blinding me of whats real and whats not... The voices in my head were screaming at me telling me everything I didn't want to here... Telling me that I am useless in the band, that the boys only have me here because they feel sorry for me. And so much more. "SHUT UP!!" I shouted as I punched the wall next to me, My fist began to throb in pain but it was nothing compared to the pain my mind was putting me through... Why does it have to happen now! Before Christmas! All my life people say 'why are you depressed right now?'' When your around people who love you, why don't you feel happy?' Well sorry that I can't help it...

"I am sorry..." I muttered to myself... As I slowly sat down on the floor, it was the place that made me feel safe. My mind is so fucked up, I hate it... My mind had started to take control... "Andy, I am sorry... Sorry that I am like this, Sorry that I can't control this. I want to be normal like you... I want to be perfect like you, Sorry that I ruined movie night... You deserve more than me but I know that every time I tell you that you say that you think I am pushing you away. I don't want to but I don't want to hurt you." I started by talking but at the end of my sorry's it was a whisper... I looked at my arm's on my hoodie and just kept thinking of Andy. The reason I live and breath... He is my world and I can't lose him at all. 

"Ryan?" 

That voice. That perfect, beautiful, sexy voice. I couldn't turn around at all, I could feel the sadness, disappointment and  most of all hurt filling up the room. I could hear a little sniffle coming from behind me. There were footsteps getting closer to me, I could feel the tension getting thicker and thicker. Andy slowly sat down next to me and looked at the floor. He looked broken and heart broken...

"Ryan?.. Wh-why didn't you tell me?" He asked as he looked at me with the saddest blue eyes that I have ever seen. It was braking my heart even more that ever, I wanted to hug him and tell him I was fine but I was to numb to move. "I couldn't tell you." That was all I could say. I wasn't trying to be rude but I was just too scared to open up to him... I felt like I was trapped inside a room with two doors. Door 1 was my mind dragging me in and eating me up and swallowing me into a pit of darkness. Or Door 2, opening up to Andy, the boys, Blair and the roadies... They might kick me out of the band for be 'strange'... 

"Ryan, listen to me. No matter what's happening I am going to stay with you. You make me so happy and I want to make you happy. It might be hard but I won't give up on you.... Do you want to know why?" Andy said as he pulled me into his arms which I accepted gladly. It what I needed. I looked in to his kind and caring eyes and saw his massive heart full of love and compassion. I shrugged at his quested and he started to play with my hair. The voices were still there but I wasn't listening to them, I was  listening to Andy. "Because Ryan, I love you. And nothing will ever change that. You don't have to tell me right away what's wrong but please tell me when you feel ow because I want to tell you how much I love you, there is nothing in this world that will stop me loving you." He said with a smile. 

He is my world. I thought he would be freaked out by me and leave me but he stays with me, I know that I should have told him sooner but it was hard. "Thank you Andy" I muttered into his chest. "Anything for you my baby boy" He whispered in my ear.

5 years later

"Merry Christmas!" I shouted to my boyfriend to wake him up. He woke up with his beautiful smile on his face and his promise ring on his right hand ring finger. Ever since I told Andy my life got better for me as I had someone to let it out my feelings. He is the best thing that has happened to me and I can't wait to see him walk down the aisle. I got snapped out of my thoughts by are son running in holding his Christmas presents.

Now I know this is very depressing for Christmas but I needed to let this out.I did this chapter because I needed to let out my emotions so please don't judge me. And please don't get triggered by this... I hope everyone had a good Christmas and I hope everyone had a nice time with their family.  I love you all. I am not great at these but I try. xxxx ~Lauren