You are mine ~ Bennoda ✔️

••• 52. On a Valentine's day •••

Valentine's day.

I woke up the next day with sadness instantly washing over me again.

I looked at the time on my phone 10 am... perfect! I forgot to wake the kids early today!. I sarcastically thought to myself. Fucking Idiot.

I got out of bed to hear laughs coming from downstairs, they sound like the kids... are they downstairs already?

I walked downstairs to see Jaime and Malia in the kitchen, cooking food for the kids. The kids were laughing and Making jokes together. He turned around to face me "good morning dad."

I couldn't speak.. It all came trough to me again, I have a fucking amazing family. I hugged Jaime tightly, followed by everyone else in the room.

"I love you guys. All of you!" I said, glancing at the sky... even you Chaz, up there in the clouds.

I went outside to the porch and sat there looking at the sky again... I started talking, like to Chester...

"Happy Valentine's day Chester.. God." I sighed "I just wish you could be here with me, ya know? So I could just give you the biggest hug ever and never let you go. If I wouldn't've been such and idiot, you may've been here still. I miss you... we all miss you. I know you tended to think we wouldn't miss you that much... but we really do Chester. Anyways.. uhm.. yeah. I love you. So much. May you be save up there Chester and rest with the angels now... be well Chester." I said, sighing shakily. I don't know If I can make it through this day.

Let's just think about what I can do... well I can't go to Rob or Brad since they're together now.. I can't go to Dave or Joe because they have their own wives.

I start crying again, but somehow.... Anger builds up. I ran to my bedroom and ran to Chester's closet... I don't know how or why but I got so angry, I started pulling his clothes from the hangers and out of the drawers and threw them all over the place aggressively. I was sobbing and screaming out "why! Chester! Fuck! Just why?!" I started throwing around all his things and I was panting between sobs. Jaime ran into the room "dad!" He pulled me away from Chester's things and tried to calm me down. I however managed to get another paper from Chester's desk and just as I pulled it down, something else fell too, A picture frame, the glass was now scattered on the floor. I slowly picked it up, this picture... more tears made their way into my eyes.

I was standing behind Chester with my arms around his waist, I was grinning and facing looking at him, Chester had a big bright smile and was looking at the camera... we were in the park. It was a beautiful picture... I loved it so much and I just destroyed the frame that protected it... hell, I threw all of Chester's things all over the place? What the hell is wrong with me?

—

After cleaning up Chester stuff and putting it back where it belongs, I got to my car and drove to the bar, playing music from my phone because the radio was playing love songs all day. but I never got to the bar because this song started playing on my phone whilst I was driving there...

"My insides all turned to ash, so slow
And blew away as I collapsed, so cold
A black wind took them away from sight
And now the darkness over day, that night
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing
I used to be my own protection, but not now
Cause my path has lost direction, somehow
A black wind took you away from sight
And now the darkness over day, that night"

The world seems like a darker place without Chester... I miss him so much, every second of every day. In the meantime I nearly made it back home.

"And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
And the ground below grew colder
As they put you down inside
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing"

I need to find Chester... I can't believe he's dead.. he can't be dead... if we find him... we'd just have a body to bury. all I want.. I just want to see his beautiful smile one more time.

"So now you're gone, and I was wrong
I never knew what it was like to be alone"

I grabbed my phone and Didn't turn off the music. I don't know why I didn't turn it off, the song was killing me yet there was something about hearing Chester's voice... it felt like he was somehow with me.

I ran upstairs to the bathroom, taking a bottle of an alcoholic drink with me and locked the door as I started sobbing.

"On a Valentine's day.. I used to be my own protection, on a Valentine's Day, but not now..."

I stood up and looked at the mirror.. I looked like a fucking mess. I gulped down big sips of the alcoholic beverage as It burned down my throat.

"On a Valentine's Day, 'cause my mind has lost direction. On a Valentine's Day, somehow..."

I reached into the cabinet and looked for.... something. I don't want to live without Chester.

"On a Valentine's Day. I used to be my own protection. On a Valentine's Day, but not now."

I had a bottle of pills in my hand and poured some pills into my hand, but I froze, what the fuck am I doing?! I threw the bottle into the sink followed by the pills and shakily backed off, I fell against the wall, shaking and sobbing. How could I do that?

"On a Valentine's day, 'cause my mind had lost direction. On a Valentine's Day, somehow."

I started sobbing uncontrollably. Why did I just do that? I couldn't do that to my family.. and my friends.. the fans.. and myself.

I just need Chester to come back.. I just want to be with him again.