Woman

34

There's one thing in my life that I don't tell anyone about. I still have post traumatic episodes from when I was kidnapped. I seen a therapist afterwards and now I don't have any scheduled visits unless I feel bad anxiety. Dr. Cindy Scalf has been a lifesaver who I am very grateful for.

Since everything had happened with Harry and my new job I usually telephone her once a month. But today, I'm have bad anxiety. Luckily she had an opening after work and let me come see her. Her office was painted in calm yellows and blues, she had her desk and bookshelves and a couch or chair for you to sit on. I felt comfortable there and it was easy to talk to her. Easy to tell her everything about my life and get advice and not being judged.

"So Sailor. How are things going?" Dr. Cindy asked across from me at her desk.

"I've been having increased anxiety largely. A lot has happened and I felt like it would be good to see you."

"Tell me what has been bothering you Sailor?"
She wrote down notes as I started talking.

I told her about what happened with Harry, the fit Sarah through and how I felt.
"He's laid the ball in my court. But I don't know what to do. I mean I love him but I'm scared you know?"

"Harry holds a special place inside your heart. What is making you unsure of what you want with him?"

I sighed. "I guess since I've had such shitty luck I'm afraid something would happen and I'd lose him. He's helped me and saved me but it's hard for me to not worry about something bad happening again."

"That's natural to feel that way. You've been through a lot and time will play a role in your anxiety. Anxiety comes and goes, often things trigger it. Harry has been an important person in your life since you were a teenager. You have many firsts with him. Tell me about your dreams. Are they still occurring?"

"Not as bad. Sometimes I'll wake up disoriented and think I'm locked in that room again."

"Have you felt anxious being intimate or from affection?

"Surprisingly no I haven't. I guess because I feel so comfortable with Harry."

She stood and sat down beside me, placing her hand on my knee. "Sailor you are a fighter. Strong. You've overcome your fears about intimacy and you'll have dreams but realize you're not there. Not back in that room. You're a woman who is a survivor."

"Thanks. But what should I do about Harry?"

"Follow your heart. Make a list of pro and cons and see which is the longest. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I thing spending time with him would help you."

I smiled and nodded, thanking her for her time. Sometimes it feels good to just vent and be listened to. I felt better after seeing Dr.Cindy and planned on making that list.

*****

"This girls day was much needed Sailor."

Liz and I were at a salon and getting massages and our nails done. My hair desperately needed trimmed and that massage worked the tension all in my back.

"Yes we need to do this at least on a monthly occurrence."

"Heard from him?" I knew she was asking about Harry. He'd been gone and was supposed to arrive back tonight.

"He's texted occasionally. I'm not calling him."

Liz sighed. "I don't know why you don't just go with it and date him. You love him so what's the problem?"

There were too much in the past that I couldn't get over. I was working on it though. "I'm content right now. I don't need to change it."

"You need to screw him tonight and show him how much you've missed him." Liz and I laughed out loud and I silently prayed they didn't hear her.

"I'm not doing that! He's still my boss and I don't even know if I will see him until Monday."

Liz rolled her eyes and lifted her head back as the lady did our pedicures. "You're being hard headed again."

I shrugged and checked my phone. No texts or calls from him today. There were paparazzi pics of him going out to eat while he was on the other coast but other than that there wasn't any news. I'm surprised Sarah didn't blab regardless of that NDA she signed.

After finishing up our girls day with dinner I went home and cleaned. When I finished I called my mom and then decided to make that list Dr.Cindy suggested. Pros and cons.

I decided to start with the pros. Harry was dependable, nice, helpful, good looking, great in bed, made me smile.

Cons. Playboy. Not sure if wants to have long term commitment, anxiety related to bad things in past relationships. Trust issues.

I read them over and took a break. Both lists had pros and cons but I was doubtful. I had mentioned to Dr. Cindy about the past I had. How I was pregnant when I was younger and lost the baby. How I used drugs. It was hard admitting that but it felt like a weight off of my shoulders. She listened and gave good advise. Losing a baby especially that young is a devastating tragedy. It was hard on me. I'll never forget how I felt and how Harry had acted the entire time. He was there for me but he wasn't either.

I wasn't judging him, we were kids then. But had he grown up any? I didn't know how he felt about his own family with children but I'd never asked. It's like we brushed that part of our past under the rug and I didn't want to bring it up again. He seemed to be fine and never mentioned it so I didn't open a can of worms with it.

Sighing, I laid the pencil down and placed the sheet in a notebook in my bookshelf. I channel surfed only to find nothing interesting on. I needed to sleep but was too awake.

******

It was finally Monday and when I clocked in work Harry hadn't arrived yet. I worked on his schedule and business call returns since he was back. Diving right in to work kept my busy and my mind off of him and how he never texted or called to let me know he made it back here safely.

While returning a call to set up a meeting Harry knocked on my door, sliding in the chair across from me while I finished up my phone call.

He ran his hand through his hair and looked tired.

"Safe trip home?" I casually asked. I wanted to ask why he hadn't called or texted but wouldn't.

"Yeah. Late flight back so when I got home I took a shower and went straight to sleep. I'm having some jet lag this morning."

I printed off his schedule for the next three days and handed it to him so he'd be aware of who would be calling and when his meetings were. He scanned over it and read it thanking me for the copy.

"Is there anything else I can help you with or need anything?"

"Go out with me."

"What??" I wasn't expecting that.

"Go out with me. Date me. This is stupid that we aren't doing this Sailor. I know you're worried about your job and what people think but I don't give a fuck. I'm happier with you. If you want to keep it private we will."

"Harry I-"

"Just go out with me this weekend. We can go out for dinner or play some golf. Please." He asked.

The list I made was in the back of my mind but I loved him and it killed me to see him with any other woman.

"If I date you I want it to be exclusive. No sleeping around or hooking up with other women. I'm not sharing you."

He smirked. "I don't want anyone else. You don't have to worry about that. So will you go out with me this weekend?"

I sat and thought about it and eventually told him yes. I hoped I knew what I was getting myself into.