social | meanie

forty

hhehehe y'all have no idea how much angst i'm putting this
—i was just sad when writing these next few chapters alright.

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"wonwoo, i...i love you."

both of them were extremely shocked. wonwoo suddenly moved away surprised at what he heard and mingyu was surprised at what slipped out of his mouth.

"what?" wonwoo laughed, "okay, i love you too, gyu," he joked as he brushed off the surprising statement.

"no, wonwoo. i love you. as in i'm in love with you," mingyu replied in a small voice. just shut up, kim mingyu! you're making things worse! he was internally screaming to himself, but the words continued to flow out of his mouth. "i have been for a long time." he looked away from wonwoo, he couldn't bare to look at whatever expression he had on his face.

"huh? you can't be serious?" wonwoo laughed from disbelief, then stopped. "you're not serious right, mingyu?"

"i am, wonwoo. i'm sorry." mingyu closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. his secret was now out in the open, he's got nothing to lose — except the person that he loved the most. he gathered all his courage to look at wonwoo. what mingyu saw was the same beautiful boy, his mouth slightly hung open in shock. his face was a mix of confusion and — sadness, pity, disappointment, hate? mingyu didn't exactly know and mingyu didn't want to know.

"w-why me? there are a lot of other people that are-" wonwoo began to say.

"there's no one but you. there has been nobody else but you, wonwoo. i love you and no matter how much you say that you don't deserve to be loved, i can't help but love you." mingyu began to tear up, "i know i should've just kept quiet but i couldn't hold it in any longer, wonwoo. i-i love you."

mingyu's breath came out unevenly; he was trying to not let his tears fall. he was being honest now, all his feelings were showing their true colours. no more bullshit, no more pretentions. he knew that he should've shut up and taken back all he said, but his brain wasn't working anymore, only his heart was.

wonwoo was speechless and they sat there in slience for a few moment. mingyu watched wonwoo and saw wonwoo's eyes fill up with his own tears.

"mingyu, i-i don't... i'm sorry. i can't-" wonwoo couldn't even finish the sentence before the tears finally fell from his eyes. mingyu wanted to kick, scream and punch fucking everything. instead, he bent forward, he put his head in his hands. without even looking at wonwoo, as he couldn't vear to look at his face anymore. he said with a shaky voice, "it's okay, i-i understand."

"i-i need to go, i'm sorry." wonwoo hurriedly stood up and mingyu couls hear the rustle behind him. the weakening sounds of wonwoo's footsteps signalled the increasing distance between them. when mingyu couldn't hear wonwoo anymore, he started crying with the force of everything that had been building up inside him. as one tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. his body shook and only his heavy breathing filled the air.

i should've kept my mouth shut, i should've known better.

wonwoo kept on running, not even looking back. he doesn't understand mingyu, he doesn't understand himself, and he doesn't understand his own feelings. he slowed down to a walking pace while his own tears freely fell. wiping the tears from his eyes, he just wished for the night to end and for the morning to come. how can he face mingyu and how would mingyu look at him? he was cruel, leaving him like that, and he was even more cruel for not being able to give mingyu what he wants.

both of them cried, wrapped in their own individual hurt with only the stars as their companions. however, the stars were too far away.

(since i never properly explained and mentioned it, wonwoo can't accept mingyu's feeling and return the love because he was still slightly in love with minhyuk and was too sacred to get hurt again and try loving again. shit excuse and kinda confusing, i know, but that's what i'm going with.)

time skip - saturday night

soonyoung and jihoon were laid in bed, snuggled up against each other whilst a show played on the tv in the background. the curtains closed with only a small gap letting the moon's light in. soonyoung looked down at his boyfriend who's head was rested on his chest and said, "babe, you know i love you right?"

jihoon hummed. "yeah, you practically show it everyday." he raised his head to look at soonyoung, "why are you asking?"

"sometimes i feel like i'm never good enough for you, jihoon. that maybe i'll end up leaving you to protect you. i don't even know why i'm thinking this way and i can't believe i'm saying this, but, i actually admit that i'm scared. i'm scared that i'll lose you. i'm scared to leave you-" soonyoung was cut off with jihoon pressing his soft lips against soonyoung's. the kiss was long and full of love and soonyoung was first caught off guard but responded to the kiss by kissing back until jihoon broke away.

"then don't. don't leave me." jihoon propped himself closer to soonyoung, making eye contact with soonyoung and intertwining their hands underneath the duvet that was covering them. "i know i'm not the type to like skin ship a lot, i know i'm not very open about my feelings. but believe me, when i say i love you, i mean it a fucking lot. my love for you is indescribable and even i was surprised at first. i love you, i can't ever imagine myself without you by my side."

"jihoon i-i love you so much too, i really don't deserve you." soonyoung cupped jihoon's face, a small tear falling from his eye as he smiled and chuckled at his lover.

"no, soonyoung. i don't deserve you." jihoon wiped the tear from the other's face, pulling soonyoung closer to connect their lips again. their lips felt so perfect together, puzzle pieces fitting together to complete the picture that was their love story, and neither wanted it to end.

soonyoung was going to miss this, everything he had with jihoon. his touch, his presence, their love. he was going to miss the short, black haired boy who helped him. he was going to miss everything.

their kissing continued to a heated make out session, their mouths fighting for dominance as they breathed in between each kiss and peck. soonyoung wanted to savour every moment of this night whilst jihoon didn't know it would be their last.

early morning came, soonyoung had set up an alarm as his flight to japan left quite early in the day. already packing a few days ago, he turned off the alarm and sat up, trying carefully to not wake up jihoon although he was quite a heavy sleeper. tossing the duvet off of him and stood up from the bed, making his way to the bathroom to wash up.

about 15 minutes later, he came out with a towel around his waist and hair that was dripping wet. he dried off and slipped on comfortable clothes, walking over to the bed where jihoon was sleeping and where his bag was left on the floor.

he knelt down to take something out of his bag, a folded piece of paper and sliding it under jihoon's phone.

soonyoung was trying so hard not break down and wake jihoon up, tears already forming in his eyes as he looked at his sleeping lover. he hated this. he hated that he had to leave jihoon. but it was his only option right now.

he doesn't know when he'll come back; in a few months? a year? who knows. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry i have to leave you. i'm sorry i cant keep our promise to stay together forever. i'm sorry fort not telling you about this. i'm sorry i'll be the first one to break your heart. i'm sorry for not being worthy of your love.

leaning down slowly, and pressing his lips on jihoon's, a tear dropping onto jihoon's neck. he savoured the last few seconds of just kissing his lover, for this was his goodbye.

goodbye, jihoon.