social | meanie

forty two

a few days passed, no one has heard or seen jihoon. after finding out about soonyoung's departure from them, jihoon hasn't left his room since. no one could blame him. jihoon may have just lost the love of his life.

the group takes turn on checking on jihoon, as he locked himself up. they were worried that jihoon wasn't taking care of himself out of sorrow, producing and publishing multiple soundtracks to try and keep himself together.

wonwoo almost felt the same. he didn't necessarily lose the love his life, but he may have lost his best friend. he and mingyu haven't interacted much either. as much as wonwoo wants to say sorry, he just didn't know how. he feels cruel, confused, angry at himself. he still thinks back to mingyu's confession.

"wonwoo, i...i love you."

it didn't make sense to wonwoo. why did someone like mingyu, love someone like him? and he hated this feeling. the feeling of guilt and cruelty. but maybe you have to have these feelings once in a while, it's what makes you human. it's what makes you feel alive.

walking along the streets of their neighbour hood, a few cars driving past and some joggers on the other side of the road. wonwoo passed the front lawn of mingyu's house.

he stared up at the simple architecture of the building, a million thoughts going through his head. a part of him wants to knock on the door and apologise to mingyu for leaving him. but the devil in wonwoo is tempting to just walk away.

he realised that he had been staring at the house for too long when he saw mingyu opening the door to go outside. wonwoo didn't get the chance to walk away as he was already in mingyu's line of sight. their eyes landed on each other, neither saying anything.

"wonwoo? what- what are you doing here?" mingyu asked, walking towards wonwoo who was awkwardly standing behind the metal gate.

"uh- i was just... walking to the han river." wonwoo stuttered. mingyu unhatched the gate and closed it behind him, standing in front of the slightly smaller boy.

"can i join you?"

"sure."

that pretty much ended all conversation. they just walked in silence in each other's presence, walking to the han river where mingyu had confessed and caused them to be in this position. wonwoo didn't seem disgusted or anything which made mingyu sigh in relief. his face just looked... blank. no clear emotion shining through to give mingyu any sign, but mingyu was actually thankful for that.

even when they reached the han river, sitting on one of the benches with a view of the river, they were still silent. there were a lot of words needed to be said but none of them were said at all. mingyu felt uneasy being in such close proximity with wonwoo but not being able to talk to him. but what would he say? i'm sorry for confessing. i'm sorry for loving you. i'm sorry for ruining our friendship. please don't break it off. he wanted to say all of those things, yet he didn't seem to have the courage to say them. he wanted to turn back time or even freeze it to the times when they were happy, the time before he ruined it all. sadly, life didn't work that way, and his fear for the future increased.

mingyu could admit though, he was hurting badly the days he and wonwoo weren't talking. he wanted to lash out at wonwoo and bombard him with cruel questions, ask him why he left without saying anything. but he didn't want to seem selfish. but it was so tempting.

"mingyu?" wonwoo said, suddenly speaking up beside mingyu.

"yeah?" mingyu asked, surprised.

"i'm sorry for that night..." wonwoo didn't look at mingyu. instead, he just looked downward, eyes trained at his friends.

"oh..." mingyu mumbled, not really knowing what to say.

"i'm sorry for leaving you like that, it was very awful of me." wonwoo continued.

yes, it was wonwoo. my heart nearly broke in two. a cruel part of mingyu thought and wanted to say again. a very selfish part of him wanted to cause pain to someone who pained him. how fucked up am i? mingyu asked himself. however, he suddenly banished away he cruel thought because he realized that it pained him even more to cause wonwoo the slightest pain. he didn't want to hurt him, he couldn't bear to do it.

"it's alright. i understand that we don't share the same feelings. it's okay." he said, trying to keep his voice stead. he knew that he was saying it more for his sake than for wonwoo, so that he himself would believe that it was okay.

"i'm sorry for not properly being able to return..." to return your feelings. yes, mingyu knew. wonwoo didn't need to say it out loud. but the confirmation of it, letting those words out there and into the world, hurt worse than he could've imagined.

"it's because..." wonwoo tried to continue but mingyu nodded and cuts him off.

"-i know, wonwoo." mingyu looked at wonwoo for a moment with a kind smile on his face.

"i- is it alright, i know this is selfish of me to ask but - i need some time." mingyu's eyes widened a bit. this was the thing he feared most, the thing he didn't want to hear.

"wonwoo, i won't try to for you to accept me-" mingyu hastily replied.

"it isn't about that, mingyu. i just... i just need some time off, for myself and from everything. too much has happened these past few days and i don't know what to feel or think anymore. i'm a complete dick for doing this to you for the second time. leaving you for the second time, when i just apologized for the first. i'm fucking horrible."

"you aren't a horrible person, wonwoo. please don't say that about yourself." wonwoo was on the verge of leaving mingyu, yet there he was - still thinking of him.

"but... it's true. i feel like a horrible person. i am and always will be." wonwoo chuckled. it sounded so forced.

"where does this leave us? our friendship?" mingyu asked.

wonwoo leaned back, sweeping the hair out of his face and pushed up his glasses - a nervous action that mingyu noticed he did. the next words that mingyu truly hated but needed to accept.

"i don't know yet, mingyu. i truly don't know."

"i'm sorry it turned out this way. but take all the time you need. if you decide to come back, i'll be here. as your friend, as an acquaintance or as anything." mingyu looked straight ahead into the calming waves of the river, crashing against the small rocks in the water. he refused to look at wonwoo and he could feel wonwoo's eyes on him. if he looked into those eyes one more time, he was certain he would break. after a few moment, wonwoo nodded and said, "i'm sorry."

"i know."

wonwoo stood up, the autumn-like breeze blowing his coat and his hair. mingyu was tempted to beg him to stay, wanted to tell wonwoo all sorts of things, wanted to clutch his hand and hold him close. however, he couldn't do any of that. instead, he was there, watching wonwoo's figure slip farther and farther away from him.

sorry this took a few days for me to update. school has already tired me out and it's only been three days but i'm motivated enough to write the next few chapters and have them prepared before hand.

hope your day is going well and hope you're enjoying the book. it's getting near to the "most" angsty part so i'm excited :3