Crazy little thing called love - Hardzello

- Seventeen . Breakup -

Bens PoV

Love ya? What was I? 12?

I shook my head to get rid of these thoughts and went straight to the door. But before I opened it I froze, my heart started to beat faster and my hands were getting sweaty. I was really afraid facing Gwil because I didn't know what would happen.

Knocking once again woke me from my daydream. My hands, well my whole body was shaking as I opened the door. I looked up and saw Gwil, who got rid of the wig and his costume in the meantime. He tried to smile lightly, but he avoided looking me into the eyes. I sighed and turned around.

"Come in, Gwil, don't just stand there."

I started kneading my hands, sitting down on the bench in my trailer. Gwil followed me inside, closed the door behind him and sat down next to me. We were quiet for a while, both thinking about what we should say first.

"Would you please just say anything, you are driving me crazy with that." I pointed at his leg, which is shaking constantly. He stopped that, rubbing his hands over his face, looking in my eyes for the first time today. I looked away immediately.

"I- I don't know what to say, to be honest." - "I don't know either, but we can't stay quiet like this forever, we have to talk..."

I turned around again to look at him and tried to smile a little, but as soon as I saw the expression in his eyes it felt like I got a lump in my throat. "Ben... I...", Gwil started, but stopped again and grabbed my hand, holding on so tight that it might have hurt, but I didn't feel anything. I held on as tight as he did.

"I don't know what to do...", he continued. "I am very bad in trusting people, because one person in my past destroyed my trust like an eggshell, she didn't even care, but she destroyed me. And now I am who I am and I don't know if I can work on that..."

It felt like I would fall into a hole. "I can't pull you into this whole mess, Ben. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to meet the family of your boyfriend, you deserve to meet his friends, be a part of his life, not only for a few hours a day, for a lifetime."

He looked at our intertwined hands, put his other hand on top of mine, drawing circles on the back of my hand, pulling it to his mouth, gently placing a kiss on it. As I looked him in the eyes again, they were red, like he would start to cry.

"You deserve so much more, which I can't give you. Right now, I can't give you all of that. I'll have to work on that, I have to work on myself, I have to get strong again, but I have to do this alone, I cannot pull anybody else into this, because it's hard, because I have to give myself the time to work it out by myself before I can try to work it out in a relationship."

I didn't even recognize that I was holding my breath all the time he spoke. I let out a shaky gasp and looked down, I couldn't stand looking into his sad eyes, I couldn't see him cry, because then I would start to cry and I didn't want to cry.

"You... we... we are breaking up." It wasn't a question, and I was very surprised my voice was not weak, because I felt weak, I felt weaker than I ever did before.

I raised my look again, the first tear rolled down Gwils face. I never expected to see him cry, he was always so strong and had a straight face, ever barely talked about deep feelings or something like that, he always seemed like nothing could touch him.

And there he was, crying in front of me.

It made me feel even worse and I felt my eyes burning. I wouldn't cry. No, I didn't want to cry.

He kissed the back of my hand once again. "I am so sorry, Ben. I didn't want to drag you into this, I really wanted this to work. I have never been so happy since a long time. I was so happy with you, I really thought this could work, I really thought I would be over it. But I wasn't and I am so so so sorry, I can't..." - "Stop it."

A small smile appeared on my face. "Stop it, Gwil, please. Stop apologizing, I understand that. It's not your fault. It's just not the right time, you need time on your own to figure things out... And I get that, please don't worry about me. I'll be alright, we are grown-ups, we can work this out, can't we?"

"I think we can." He tried to smile as well. "We still have to work with each other. Do... Do you think we could be friends again? I don't want our last few months here to be hell on earth for us both. I-" - "We were friends before, we can be friends again. You really mean a lot to me, you know that."

"And so do you." 

"Can we kiss one last time, Gwil?"

He didn't say anything, separated our hands, leaned in and closed his eyes. Our lips met a few moments after that, one of his hands was on my cheek, the other one on my shoulder. It felt familiar, it felt good, but it was the last time and we both knew it. It was a sad kiss.

We pulled back and looked at each other. "I'll miss that, but I think we're gonna be okay.", I said, smiling a little bit more confident than before.

"I really did love you, but now is not the time."

We both got up, took a step forward and found ourselves in a big hug, both holding on as if it was life. We stood like that for quite a while, until we pulled apart. "I'll see you tomorrow, Ben, I am so sorry, really."

"Don't be, we'll figure this out."

And then he left. I was alone. Suddenly I felt really weak, sitting down on the floor, burying my face in my hands, feeling my eyes tearing up again. My heart felt so heavy, I felt a pressure on my chest, I could hardly breathe, feeling panic coming up.

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A very long chapter, I am kind of personally connected to this because this was kind of the conversation and situation I had with my ex not very long ago, it was really hurtful writing this, but it also felt pretty good I guess... I'm Ben in this situation haha , in case you were wondering

Another PoV again, because I wanted this to be in the book, let me know if you liked it, as I said this chapter means a lot to me.

Have a great day <3
~Kat