Crazy little thing called love - Hardzello

- Twenty-two . Admit -

I built a fist with my hand while waiting for a response, dug my nails into the heel of my hand. 

"Sure, uhm... I'll come to your trailer when I'm done. We can go to the pub right after, alright?" I let out a sigh of relieve and nodded. But obviously Allen couldn't see that, so I told him that I would be there.

We hung up and I put the phone back in my pocket. I headed to my trailer and got changed. But before I went outside again to meet Allen, I decided to text Ben. 

If you need anything, text me. I'm out with Allen tonight. I'll drop by after that, I just wanna know that you are alright.

And with that, I went out of my trailer again. When I came out, I saw Allen coming towards me. We greeted each other with a short hug and got going. Most of the way we went in silence except for a little bit Smalltalk, while in my head I tried to figure out how to begin.

As we came to the pub, we sat down on a small table, it wasn't very crowded today, only a few tables were occupied. As soon as our drinks came, I swallowed a few sips, not because I was thirsty but because I was nervous and the alcohol would may help.

"Joe, would you please talk to me? We can continue this evening with talking about nonsense, but you asked me if I had time and now I am here, so there you go, you can talk about whatever you want. I am here, I will listen to you. You phoned me for a reason, didn't you? You didn't simply call because you had nothing else to do."

I stayed silent; I still haven't figured out how to start and took another few mouthful beer. Allen sighed and took a sip of his drink as well. "Alright then, tell me what's going on with the others, today was a really awkward day, the tensions were pretty noticeable."

He changed the topic. I knew he meant well and I felt bad for leaving him out like that. "Well yeah, it was pretty awkward... Gwil broke up with Ben, I was with Ben last night, slept at his place. They are both obviously not okay right now, but I think they are going to be alright soon... At least I hope so."

Allen nodded and began to peel off the label of the beer bottle, like I did when I was nervous. "What is it?", I asked and scanned his face. 

"Look, Joe, I really don't wanna be nosey, but you clearly don't seem alright as well. I offered it once and I will do it again: Talk to me. If you want to talk about it, I am here and if you don't I am here as well but it's really hard to keep this conversation going if you don't say a word unless I nearly force you to."

He looked at me and I can't help but laugh. "I know, I am sorry, I really am."

I could see that he was relieved and he started to smile a little.

"But you are right. I needed to talk about something and I don't expect you to give me any advice or something like that if you can't or don't want to, but I really need that off my mind, because I feel like I am going slightly mad."

He waited if I would continue, but I didn't, I got nervous again and my mind went through all the possible beginnings, but none of them fit. I was relieved when the waitress came and we ordered another drink. A few moments later two full bottles stood on the table.

"Jesus, Joe, just shoot it. Don't think, just say it."

I knew he was right. 

"I think you were right with that joke you made the other day." Now he looked confused, so I continued. "I mean that thing you said... You know..." He obviously didn't know. So I kept stuttering. „You said you thought me and Ben would eventually get together. Well, I mean... Not that we are, but I kind of... I don't know... Maybe I am a little bit... I don't know..."

"Stop thinking, Joe."

"IthinkImayhaveacrushonben." I said it so quickly, I didn't even know if it was understandable at all. But Allen seemed happy with it. I drank again, like it was water. "So... you have a crush on Ben, if I got that correct?", he repeated and looked at me, I nodded lightly. "Where is the problem now?"

"Where the problem is? It IS the problem! I can't have a crush on my best friend, that will ruin everything. And I'm not even talking about this really awful timing, he just got out of a relationship for god's sake. He needs his best friend, he doesn't need someone who gets a heart race every time we hug, he doesn't need someone who blushes when he smiles, he doesn't need someone who really enjoys sleeping next to him in such a situation. I should help him to feel better, but it feels so good to have him around so much, it feels so good to be with him all the time, I feel good when I am around him, even if he is crying – what kind of friend am I if I enjoy that?"

„So... you slept next to him?" I rolled my eyes and gestured with my hands in despair. „That's all you got out of my monologue?!" Allen smiled the whole time, I got furious. He slowly shook his head. "You are a really good friend, Joe."
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~ Kat