OC Forms/Art Book 4!

Vent I Guess

Yeah I know...I just had to get this out...

...

What happened to me? I used to be so genuine. Optimistic. Emotional. Childike even. Now I just...don't care about anything, except those I love, and me anymore. I've lost my innocence, and my childlike wonder. I let my fear of being judged control me and manipulate me. I hate it. I hate myself for letting that happen. I hate myself for being lazy and selfish. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and sleep forever. But most of all? I hate that I'm self-defensive, that I'm weak, that I make myself the victim when I know I'm not. I want my innocence back. I want my emotions and my wonder back. I want to be active and funny again, I want to stop letting my fear control me. But I can't. There are times when I wanna grow up and leave, and some when I'm content where I am and just wanna stay there forever.

I've planned on running away before. Starting a new life all by myself. I've mapped out plans and where I'm going to go. I'd be less of a burden if I did. Something usually stops me; the thought of my pets, things I do every day that I like, etc. I still think about it at times though. It's because I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't want to be a burden. I want to be independent. But I'm just a kid, though I'm not mad that I am. School drains me. I lose the will to do anything and usually just want to go to sleep. I'm not under pressure and stress, sad, or scared when I'm asleep. But like I said, I'm still a kid.

I know I have my whole life ahead of me to do the things I want to do. I know I'm thinking way too fast. I hate being mature sometimes. I know adults respect it but I just want to act like myself. Honestly though, I don't care if I fit in or not. I never cared and I never will. Then again I don't care about a lot of things; my grades, my own health and diet, what I look like... I'm a disappointment because of this. I hate it. I'm not smart, I'm not sweet, I'm not helpful, I can't help anybody even if I tried. I want to make a difference, I want to be significant, but I'm not and never will be. I'm useless. That's what I'll always be. I hate myself for it. And whenever I do try, my fear of being judged by others kicks in and manipulates me.

Maybe CC (or Carolyne) was right. Maybe I am a liar. Maybe my fear makes me lie when I don't want to. "I'm okay." No I'm not. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to tell my mom and dad everything. I can't, because whenever I try to rant or vent in real life or say something when I'm even remotely sad, it comes out as things that don't make sense and make me sound like an absolute idiot. Summer was the only one who would listen and let me cry and talk to her in real life, even if she was just a cat. But now that she's gone, I'm alone again. I have my parents, but again, I can't speak to humans when I'm sad.

I wish for things that won't come true. I wish that Summer and Shine didn't die. I wish I could smile genuinely, and have a real laugh like when I was younger instead of now, where I either fake it or chuckle rather than laugh. I wish everything was great again...I wish I was okay, mentally and physically. I've been getting headaches, and eye pains. I bite my nails off and hate my smile for my teeth. Sometimes I hate the scar on my left knee from when I cut myself two years ago. I'm feeling what I felt then, that same pain and anger, that sadness.

But I know, eventually, these negative thoughts will go away. At some point in my future life and even now I'll hit bumps in the road and think to myself these same kinds of thoughts, but I know it'll go away. I have my friends and family here, and my family in real life.

I'm sorry everyone. This vent or whatever you wanna call it, were just all the negative thoughts clawing at me for the past week and I just got the courage to write it all down. Love you guys. Bye.

Edit from an hour later: I'm feeling better now that I wrote this. I was just spitting out everything that I felt, including all the things I felt in the past about myself. So this vent was also kind of a confession. Thanks to those who read this.

Here, have a picture of my cat Pepper:

Love you guys, and I'll see you in the next chapter. See you later. ❤