I won't

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I want to call you,
But I won't.

I want to hug you,
But I won't.

I want to look into your eyes,
But I won't.

I want to lean on your lean shoulder,
But I won't.

I want to just pull you into me and kiss you hard,
But I won't.

I want to do so many things,
But I won't.

Those  things amout to too many and none.

I won't  do them.
Not because I keep a proud façade,
But because
If I give in even once and ever,
I won't even  try to pull myself out of the quicksand,
Even if you push me out.

And I'll  forget the promise I made to myself,
That I won't  beg and bow where I feel  unwanted,  unneeded, unheeded.

It's not that I can't,
I desperately  want  to.
But self-control is a world away from  you.

And so,
I just won't.

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