Innocence Lost

Chapter 84

Mature Content. . .

As I stared down at the pill in my hands a wave of nausea washed through me. I was definitely going to be sick. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. Afterwards I sat down on the floor by the toilet thinking about how badly I messed up. I went down this road with Eric once before and it wasn't good. Now I'm doing it again. And how could I forget Jax, my so called boyfriend. I can't believe I did this to him, he has been nothing but caring and sweet to me. He can never find out. No one can. He and my friends are the only normalcy in my life.

After what felt like an eternity, I stood up and rinsed my mouth in the sink. I needed to take this damn pill and I'm hoping I don't get sick again after taking it. I grabbed a cup, filled it with water, and finally took it.

I turned on the water in the shower and made sure to scrub my skin until it turned red. I paced my apartment once I was in my pajamas and changed the sheets on my bed. I wanted to sleep but I was afraid of what I would see in my dreams. Or feel. The past two nights kept playing over and over in my mind. I hated Eric for making me feel for him after all he has done.

I didn't even want to read the numerous messages from Jax on my tablet, but I knew I had to. He basically wanted to check in and make sure I was okay. He also wanted to let me know that he missed me. My heart was shattering. Jax is everything I wanted in a man and I totally messed everything up.

There was also a message from Four. He, Jesse, and Lauren were going to train in the morning and he wanted me to join. I know I should bring that initiation is just around the corner. I couldn't face anyone right now in fear they would see right through me. I'll apologize to Four the next time I see him.

Come morning I was sitting against my headboard, staring at the wall. I hadn't slept at all, making me scoff at how long the day was going to be. The worst of it was I had to go back to work and face Eric. I was so disgusted with myself for what I did with him and what I did to Jax.

There was something else plaguing me. Something important that I had blocked from my mind up until now; my mom and her divergence. How could I not have known? How could my father not know or Jeanine?  How did she even find out about me? Did she always know, even before I did? It didn't make sense. I needed to speak to her again, I need to know more. I need to get to Erudite and speak to her again.

I looked at the clock on my nightstand and saw it was almost time for work. I quickly dressed and sighed deeply when I heard my tablet chime. It had to be either Eric or Jax. I quickly glance at it before opening my bedroom door. It was from Jax. I decided to open it once I got to work in fear of running late.

Amanda was standing in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in her hand. I had the sudden urge to yell at her for giving Eric the pill the give to me. I stopped myself as soon as I realized she was most likely scared of him and she didn't have much of a choice.

"Kate, please don't be mad at me" she says as soon as she sees me.

"I'm not mad. I'm sure Eric scared you shitless when you saw him"

"I bumped into him when I was leaving the infirmary, literally. I dropped the pill vile and he must have see what it was"

I poured myself a cup of coffee as I listened to her.

"So what happened when he got here?" She asked. 

I take a long sip of my coffee, not bothering to answer. She had to know what happened.

"Ohhh" she responded when I didn't answer her.

"Yeah" I sigh.

"What are you going to do?"