Sun & Moon

THIRTY EIGHT

After dinner with Jiyeon, Doyoung arrives home. He feels ready to drop at a moment's notice. His eyelids feel as if they're lifting weights, and he can barely move once he gets himself to bed. "That woman... talks way too much," Doyoung murmurs as he pulls the blanket up to his chin. But once he closes his eyes, he finds it difficult to sleep.

The conversation with Jiyeon replays over and over again before his mind again drifts towards Taeyong. Perhaps it was because he was so tired he couldn't help it, or maybe his exhaustion made him delusional, but he begins to slip into a realization.

As his eyelashes rest on his cheeks, he pulls his blanket in closer. He realizes how warm Taeyong is, how comfortable and inviting he is. Without his childish wisdom, would Doyoung have ever allowed himself to reunite with his mother or talk back to his father? Without that effortless way of smiling, would Doyoung have ever slipped into the suddenly normal waves of anger or sadness?

It is Taeyong who taught him it's alright to be human in his world of strict excellence. It is Taeyong who demonstrated to Doyoung that his "now" can be filled with laughter. And as Doyoung's heartbeat slows, and his mind begins to drift towards sleep, Doyoung vulnerably thinks of how he is tired of always thinking of later. He wants his "now" to be as exciting as Taeyong as shown him it can be.

He likes not thinking about future consequences, and he likes being able to enjoy each moment as it happens. He thinks about his past and knows that he's never relished hours, minutes, or even seconds of his life the way he does at times now.

Before Doyoung falls asleep, he hates himself a little bit. He doesn't know if it's love or obsession, but whatever it is, he locks up the feeling in his heart. He won't let go of it and vows to carry it with him in secret. The last thing Doyoung thinks of before he falls asleep is how he never wants to lose someone like Taeyong.