Sun & Moon

FORTY FIVE

"That means you must be Taeyong." The words come out of Jiyeon's mouth slyly, like a snake in a forest. She lazily points towards Taeyong and smiles sideways. "I've heard a lot about you!"

"Like what?" Taeyong asks eagerly, leaning in towards the table.

Doyoung feels like his heart will drop at a moment's notice. He holds his breath. He knows Jiyeon, and he decides to trust her so he waits for her response.

"You ran up like hundreds of stairs and barged into his office just to criticize him." Jiyeon laughs, and Doyoung can breathe again.

"It wasn't to criticize him, really," Taeyong says, pouting a bit. "I just wanted to help. I guess it came out wrong."

Seulmin and Sungyeol can only listen and watch in awe. They don't speak, but their mouths remain slightly open the entire them. Doyoung takes notice of the two and laughs quietly to himself. Heiran has known Doyoung his whole life, Jiyeon is from the same background as him, and Taeyong has never even cared. The reactions of the two students remind Doyoung of how out of the ordinary his existence in this small apartment truly is.

"Are you two students?" Doyoung asks quietly to the two. The other three seem too invested in exchanging humiliating stories about him, and he finds it uncomfortable if all Seulmin and Sungyeol will do is stare.

"Yeah, it's our fourth year," Sungyeol responds quickly, nearly stammering. "I'm in political science, and she's in atmospheric sciences. You're friends with Taeyong?"

Doyoung pauses before answering. Calling Taeyong a friend is both an understatement and an overstatement, but pondering on it makes it much more complicated. "Yes," he finally says. "Surprisingly. Where do you guys go?"

"Hansung University," Seulmin replies. Doyoung notices how delicate her voice is. It's nice to listen to; he feels like a baby is listening to a mother's lullaby. "Not nearly as good as SNU. I heard the three of you went there."

"As long as you're learning, it doesn't matter where." Doyoung smiles faintly. "That's a bit far from here, isn't it?"

"An hour with the metro. I just wake up an hour earlier than everyone else," Sungyeol says. He points his thumb towards Seulmin. "This girl gets a free dorm. 'Cuz she's a scholarship student." He drawls out the last sentence and laughs while eyeing Seulmin. She only smiles and shakes her head.

"Well, I still take the metro here for my internship, you know. It's not that different." As the two grin at each other, Doyoung feels like he's interrupting something so he clears his throat.

Taeyong hears and claps his hands together. "Alright, gang. Let's bring out the meat and alcohol!"

. . .

Things are not so terrible as Doyoung initially thought. There are meat grilling and bottles of soju being opened. The air is much more comfortable, and Doyoung is grateful to the kindness of the strangers he's just met. They do not isolate nor ignore him, and rather, everyone is included in discussion.

There is a point where a certain member's overfriendliness results in two more invitations to a wedding.

"You guys have to come. I swear you'll have fun, there's going to be a huge cake and everything," Heiran says pleadingly. Doyoung knows that she isn't even drunk, but Seulmin looks at her in worry.

"I really couldn't," Seulmin says in an equally desperate tone.

"Come on! I'll throw you the bouquet!" Heiran almost yells.

"What?" Seulmin's face flushes pink, and she unconsciously glances at Sungyeol.

"I saw that!" Heiran yells, standing up and flailing her arms up. "Now you have to come! Sungyeol, I'll give you the invitation, she can be your plus one!"

As they argue, Jiyeon takes the opportunity to speak to Doyoung amongst the chaos. "How are you feeling?" she whispers, leaning in towards his shoulder.

Doyoung turns his head so that she can hear. "It's alright. Not as bad as I had thought."

"Taeyong is a nice person. I can see why you like him." Jiyeon leans back snickering, and Doyoung can feel his face go red.

"You are the worst," he lets out with an exhale.

"No, I'm the best! And you know it."

Doyoung does not find it in himself to argue.

. . .

The night air is cooling. Doyoung leans on the porch barrier and closes his eyes as the wind brushes through his hair. He feels peaceful, and he allows himself to smile just a little. He takes a sip out of the beer can Taeyong had given him prior and savors the taste before swallowing.

It does not take long for Taeyong to find him and stand next to him. "See, it's been fun, right?" he says with a relaxed grin.

"You're not wrong. Heiran even invited more people to her wedding."

Taeyong sighs in content and turns to look at Doyoung. He stares for a bit out of interest before carefully asking, "Do you like anyone right now?"

The question makes Doyoung freeze. He grips the beer can more tightly, causing it to crinkle. "Not really," he says carefully. "Why?"

"Just curious." Taeyong hums a little and takes another sip.

"What about you?" Doyoung blurts out. He wants to bang his head against a wall for asking. It's not like he needed to know. But Doyoung figures that he must want to, deep down inside, since he asked anyways.

Doyoung knows not to expect anything. He truly knows it, all the way to the bottom of his heart. But there's a small, small, small part of him that deeply wants to hear a specific answer. He knows it will not happen. He refuses to set himself up for failure, but that minuscule hope feels dauntingly large at this specific moment. He's on the edge of a cliff with a small branch being the only thing preventing him from falling.

"I did," Taeyong finally says. He suddenly laughs to himself, but it seems a bit bitter and sad. "Actually, it's kind of embarrassing. Don't tell anyone, okay?" He looks at Doyoung with his smiling eyes, and Doyoung already accepts the result as it is. He was right so he can't feel disappointed. "I kind of liked Seulmin. She was really understanding, and she gets my background, so I don't know, I was comfortable with her. But her and Sungyeol obviously got something going on, so I'm not even going to bother." Taeyong sighs in defeat and turns to Doyoung. "But that's just how life is, right?"

The initial disappointment was not too bad. It was something Doyoung was expecting. But the latter sentences hit him like a truck. The branch breaks, and Doyoung is crashing and falling, wounding himself in every manner possible. "You won't tell her at all?" he asks, his voice slightly shaky.

Taeyong shrugs, not taking notice of Doyoung's sudden tension. "Well, maybe I would have. But since I know she likes someone, it would be really messed up of me to confuse her and bother her, you know? She's already doing her own thing. So I'll just keep it to myself."

At this very moment, Doyoung wants to run away. He wants to hide and never come out again. The moment he knew he loved Taeyong, he knew he had to stop. He knew it would hurt, but truthfully, he didn't know it would be this bad. His stomach twists and turns. He feels like he could throw up except he also can't breathe because his throat is dry and stuck.

It takes a lot of effort for Doyoung to reply. "I get it. I won't tell anyone." He even smiles a bit yet finds himself pathetic for acting like everything is okay.

Taeyong laughs again and pats Doyoung's back. "You're a really good listener! Thanks for being such a great friend."

As Taeyong laughs and the breeze blows, Doyoung makes a silent promise to himself. A promise that he'll keep his feelings locked up in his heart forever. It'll be a secret that will never escape, and nobody will ever know but him.