Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Songbook/Lyrics Book

JAP Battle

[AUDRA]

This is real deep beef from way back in the past

Deeper than I'll put a foot up in the crack of your ass

Come on, let's do this

Your little pals can witness how vicious

This Westchester alpha bitch is

I'm straight up malicious, a verbal curb stomper

Since we were toddlers I've studied every chink in your armor

And between your folks' divorce and that haircut on you

I'm really not sure which one's the bigger shondeh

[REBECCA]

That means "disgrace", I'm translating for the goys

Our lifelines have been parallel like corduroys

But now, we'll see whose bars will prevail

In this beef of two hard-as-nails

Shebrews from Scarsdale

[AUDRA]

We've got a conflict of interest

[REBECCA]

I'm about to give Levine the business

[AUDRA]

Spittin' venomous hate

[REBECCA]

Penetratin' her defenses

[REBECCA & AUDRA]

It's a JAP battle

[DARRYL, spoken]

A what?

[LAWYERS]

A Jewish American Princess

[AUDRA]

Rap battle

[LAWYERS]

Daughters of privilege

[AUDRA]

Spittin' mad flow

[LAWYERS]

Find that term offensive?

[AUDRA]

Too bad, yo!

[REBECCA & AUDRA]

Oh, snap! It's a JAP battle rap!

[REBECCA]

Look, academically, you could never catch me

You were close, but no match scholastically

Nohow, no way

I put the "O.G." in "5.0 G.P.A."

[AUDRA]

Well, speaking of which, are you A.P. graded?

'Cause these days you look a bit heavily weighted

And all your book crackin' don't make up for the fact

That I'm strapped with that killer instinct that you lack

Sweetheart, here's what you're not understanding

I'm street-smart—

[REBECCA]

You mean, 'cause you minored in Urban Planning?

Bitch, I know you, that tough act's a bluff

So sheket bevaka shut the hell up

[AUDRA]

Your temper, you lost it! Oh, cute

Like you're going to lose this lawsuit

Keeping your piehole shut would be quite wise

Though you kept it open wide for the AEPI guys

[REBECCA]

And I banged your hedge fund manager fiancé

Back in college over winter holidays

Bathroom stall at the Matzo Ball

And honestly, I gotta say

Really not hot at all

Finished quick, rotten lay

[LAWYERS]

This is

[REBECCA]

A JAP battle

[LAWYERS]

Bane of my existence

[REBECCA]

Your rhymes are facile

[AUDRA]

From Golden's Bridge

[REBECCA]

To North Castle

[REBECCA & AUDRA]

Wipe you off the map

In this JAP battle rap

[AUDRA]

Bunch, you're a curse, you're a blight

We were frenemies at first spite

Think your verse is tight?

Then you're trippin' like birthright

I'll wipe the mirth right off your ugly mug

And fill you full of slugs

Like a straight up thug

[REBECCA]

Uh, that word is racist, someone ought to tell you

Like me, I belong to the ACLU

[AUDRA]

Spare me

I'm a card-carrying member

Plus, I spent a semester in Kenya, remember?

[REBECCA]

Well, I volunteered in Ghana

[AUDRA]

Well, I guess that makes us equal

[REBECCA]

Well, it's settled then

[REBECCA and Audra]

We're both cool with black people

[AUDRA]

'Cause we're liberals

[REBECCA]

Duh, progressive as hell

[REBECCA & AUDRA]

Though, of course, I support Israel

[REBECCA]

Audra, wait we share so many traits

Should we shake hands and erase the hate?

Created by our mothers pitting

Us against each other for accolades and grades

We were egged on like Seder plates!

[AUDRA]

Nah, in summation

You left New York

For this sunburnt shtetl

Now you're like "Oh, Audra, let's settle"

You want to get salty like the Dead Sea? Word

But call off this suit or you're dead, C-word