Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Songbook/Lyrics Book

Greg's Drinking Song

[GREG]

Gather ye 'round and I'll tell you a tale

Of all the great times I've had with an ale

There's joy and there's glory, more than you can think

Yes, this is what happens to me when I drink!

I pee my pants! My pants! I pee my pants

I get up from the bar to find pee on my pants!

I say it's water, but all it takes is a glance

For people to realize I peed my pants!

[WHITE JOSH, spoken]

Wow, I did not know it was that bad

[GREG]

Yes, wine can be fun — white, rosé and red

'Till I call up my boss to say I wish he was dead

Chase down the regret with some gin for good luck

Then steal my cousin Jim's landscaping truck

Drive home then

I puke on my cat, my cat! I puke on my cat

I fall through the doorway and puke on my cat

Poor little Bruno did not expect that

I try for the toilet but puke on my cat!

While some can enjoy a Scotch with a steak

Or one glass of wine, then they're barely awake

For me it's much different what happens when

I try to have one, it just turns into ten

And then...

I fly a plane, a plane! I fly a plane

I knock on the cockpit shouting, "I'll fly this plane!"

We emergency landed, the TSA came

Now I'm banned from Southwest 'cause I try to fly planes!

Everybody!

[ALL MEN, except GREG]

He has sex with a bush, a bush! He has sex with a bush!

[GREG]

That wasn't a woman?

[ALL MEN, except GREG]

No it was a bush!

It had twigs and leaves 'cause it was a bush!

[GREG]

That's where that scar comes from!

[ALL MEN, except GREG]

From sexing a bush!

But he's breaking the cycle and making a push!

He's quitting his drinking

And saving his pants and his cat and Southwest and Jim's truck

[HECTOR]

And my car

[WHITE JOSH]

My car too!

[ALL MEN]

And a bush!