You Learn To Live Without || Chenzel Story

31. for the better

IDINAS POV

The curtain call music starts playing and I run up to my place. Kristin comes rushing from the other side and forces her hand in mine. I look down at our linked hands and I feel a wave of uncomfort coming over my body. Before I can really overthink it the doors open and it's our time to go on stage. We take our turns, recieve the applause and end with an groupsbow. After that Kristin lets go off my hand and we go backstage. She rushes away from me and I watch her go in silence. After being frozen in my body for a few seconds I make my way to my own dressingroom where I find Joby. "Dina? Are you okay? You've been off since saterday, which is almost a week ago now" is her rightly asked question. I just look up to her and shake my head slowly. I feel the tears buring behind my eyes and within a second Joby her arms are wrapped around my body. Silent tears escape from my eyes and roll down my cheeks but other that that my body is numb. No sound, no trembling and no shaking body. She strokes her hand up and down my back trying giving me the little comfort I need right now. She doesn't ask questions and she is not judging. She is just holding me and telling me it will be okay. After a while she lets go of my waist and wipes a lost tear away. "You should take a shower, calm down and go home." she smiles as she lightly squeezes my hand. "You're not going to ask" I ask giving her a confused look. She smiles again and shakes her head. "I know you dina, I've known you for quite some years. You will tell me eventually" she speaks and gives me a little push to the bathroom. "thank you" is all I can bring out before I walk to the bathroom. I undress myself and slip my dress out of the door for Joby to hang back. I take a shaky breath before stepping under the falling water and I close my eyes. I feel the splashes falling onto my body and I focus myself on the sound of the water. 

"Kris are you home yet?" I speak while opening the door into our apartment. A plain yes comes from the kitchen and I can feel the tone being set for tonight. Kristin had left earlier because she wasn't in the mood to go to the stagedoor and sign playbills. I did a short round of signing and then left half an hour after her. I close the door behind me and kick of my shoes. I cuddle thunder on her head and make my way to the kitchen. As soon as I want to walk into the kitchen Kristin is on her way out which causes a akward situation. I step aside leaving her to pass me with Thunder on her heels because she is carrying a plate of food. I let out a soft sigh and go on to make my own diner. After putting some leftover into the microwave I sit myself at the diner table with the plate in front of me. I move my food around my plate finding the will to eat the food. "I'm going to take a shower" I look up to Kristin standing in the door opening of the bathroom. "Can we talk after?" is my responds and I can see her think for a split second. "I'm tired dina. Can't we have this discussion another time" she says fiddling on her blouse. I slowly shake my head. "We need to stop postponing this. It already got worse enough and it's not getting better when we stop talking" the desperate tone in my voice betrays my emotion and I try my hardest to not start crying again. "Okay, whatever you want" I can hear the frustration combined with exhaustion in the tone of her voice. She turns around and within a few seconds I can hear the shower turning on.

After half an hour the shower stops and I hear her rubbishing around in the bathroom. In the meanwhile I had finished my diner with anything but willingness. I move myself to the couch and sit down while scrolling through my phone. After a while I hear the door opening and an immense feeling of  nervousity falls over my body. I turn around to face the blonde whos hair is pulled into a messy bun and she is dressed in a sweater and sweatpants. She sits herself on the other side of the couch leaving a space between us before she crosses her legs. "Well what did you want to talk about?" the tone of her voice is cold making a shiver going down my spine. "Can you be human please?" my response is out before I can think about it causing her eyes to shoot up to mine. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean.." before I can finish my sentence she breaks me off. "Okay I can be human. I feel like I'm losing you. Your walls are up again. You're distant, cold and not the woman I fell in love with"  the words roll out of her mouth like they've been there for forever. There is a cold undertone in her voice and her normally soft eyes have a hard blue colour. I fiddle with my fingers making myself even more paranoia than I already am, but feeling the frustation flowing through my body. "Yeah that's what you said yesterday" I spit out glaring into her blue eyes. "Be distinct, because I seriously don't get you" I continue before she can say a word. "You keep telling me that my walls are up, but I'm trying everything to be open for you. Okay maybe I have been a little more distant lately, but my assault is one year ago in a month. Ofcourse my mind goes there sometime. But saying that I'm back at that moment is... You're basically saying that I'm back at my lowest again. Seriously Kris, that just hurts. Especially coming from you." My voice cracks and I realised I'm crying by the tears that are falling down my cheeks. Too many emotion are going through my body to be able to feel even one of them. This is the moment I want her to wrap her arms around me and tell me everything will work out. But she just sits there glaring at her own hands. We sit there in silence for a few minutes both looking down. Not being able to make eyecontact. "Please tell me that we will be okay, kris please" my voice is barely audible. She looks up from her hands and the tears in her eyes give away that she is hurt. "I don't know dee. I really don't know"

KRISTINS POV

"Please tell me that we will be okay, kris please" I snap out of the flashback from a week ago. I told her I didn't know. Not because I didn't want to tell her that we were going to be okay. It's because I really didn't know. We've been fighting for a week now. We live in the same house but it doesn't feel like it. We both rather go out to friends or family than be in the same livingroom. The first one to come home sleeps in our normal shared bedroom and the other one automatically sleeps in the guestroom. Mornings are quiet, we have seperated lunches and I mostly eat my diner at the theatre or I eat out with Danny. Like yesterday for example. We played one show and after that I went to Danny. I ranted about the situation again just like I did the two other times I had seen him. He looked me straight in my eyes and asked me if I missed her. I glared at him and actually thought about an answer. "I miss the old her" was my answer to the question. He had arched his eyebrown while he looked at me. "I miss how we used to be Dan. We have been arguing non stop, we can't even be in the same room and everything is awkard. I used to miss her whenever she would leave the room, but I don't feel it anymore Dan. I feel the opposite, I feel like I can take a breath whenever I leave the room. That can't be good, right" I get out of my thought when I feel a warm tear strolling down my cheek. When I hear the door opening I wipe it away and look up to see Idina coming in. I get up from my chair and walk over to the direction she went. I find her studio and with a soft knock I ask her permission to come in. She answer with a plain yes and I step into the room. "I think we need to talk" I mumble and she just gives me a small nod. I sit down on the chair in the corner of the room and look at her. I place my slightly trembling hand on my knee to prevent myself from becoming more nervous. "When you asked me if we were going to be okay I answered you that I didn't know" she looks at me in confusion but still nods. "That was because I really didn't know. I was lost, but we were lost too. We have been on different levels the past two weeks dee. And I don't like it, but it is what it is. We lost eachother and I think we've been trying too hard to find eachother. Which caused this, this situation and this fight. I really meant all I said Dee, that is the problem. I wish I didn't. But I do" I look up to see Idinas tears through my own teary eyes. "you're leaving me aren't you?" she whispers under her breath with a crack in her voice. I shake my head. "I will never leave you, never in a million years. I promised you that okay, so remember that always. But.." I can hear her sniffle and I feel my body starting to tremble again. "But I think it's better if we have some time apart" my voice got softer with every word I said. "I want you to stay in the apartment, I will stay at Danny." my eyes look into Idina her teary green eyes and within that moment she breaks. "No kris, please I need you" she whispers between her sobs. I stand up and take her hand causing me to feel a tingle in my body. I put my finger under her chin and make her look up to me. "Did you feel that?" she slowly nods and I give her a weak smile. "See that means that it's still here. There is something of us left and we need to save that last part for as long as it's still there." I wipe away her tears and give her hand a little squeeze. "It's time for me to go now okay, I will see you at the theatre." I manage to squeeze out. I walk into the bedroom to get my stuff and I can see Idina from the corner of my eye watching me in the proces. I take the picture on my nightstand and close my bag. As I walk past her our eyes connect and I give her a smile. "goodbye dina" I bring out while holding back my tears. She gives me a weak smile and I walk towards the door to leash Thunder. I open the door and with one look behind me I see her standing frozen to the same spot. I slowly close the door and make my way to the elevator. "Kris wait" I jump when I hear her voice. She walks towards me and she leans in for a kiss. At first I don't know how to respond but then I realise what she is doing. After a few seconds we part and she looks at me with tears in her green eyes. "We made a promise" she whispers while still holding on to me. "To always kiss eachother goodbye" she says looking at me desperatly "because you never know what happens after you leave" I finish the sentence with a whispery tone. She nods and kisses me one last time before I get in the elevator. I watch her through the closing door and tell myself not to break down. "It's for the better" I whisper to myself. It's for the better

I'm so so so sorry :(
Think of it as a fairy tale. Fairy tales have happy endings xo
Xo Mel