You Learn To Live Without || Chenzel Story

48. baby girl

A/N
I'm totally aware of the fact that the luna storyline is unrealistic, rushed and very very messy. But I couldn't just leave it out of the story just because I didn't like it anymore. So I'm sorry in advance for the sloppy writing

"Kris?" Idina is the one to break the silence. "hmm?" I respond putting my finished cup on the bedside table. She shifts herself into a different position and I can feel her muscles tense in the body under me. She is fiddling her fingers and I can see she is getting anxious. I lift her chin making her green eyes meet mine. "What is it dee?" I let out while brushing my finger against her cheek. "I need to tell you something"

KRISTINS POV

"Dee you're scaring me" I whimper as she remains silence longer and starts showing even more of her anxious tics. "Please promise me you won't hate me after this." she whispers looking me in the eyes absolutely breaking my heart. My heart is pounding and I am genually worried about her at this moment. "Ofcourse not, but please talk to me because you're really scaring me" I can clearly see that it's bothering her. She is trying soo hard to keep herself strong, but I know that she will break eventually. "Just promise me that you'll take your own space if you need it, okay? I will leave if you want. And I want you to know that this is something that only a hand full of people know. I truely hate myself for this part of my life, but you deserve to know." she brings out with her voice so soft I can barely her her. "I." I whisper gently putting my hand on hers. "Please promise me?" she begs before I can say anything. "I promise" I let out squeezing her hand softly trying to give her some reassurance. She clear her throat, gets up from the bed and I expect her to start pacing around. Instead of that she walks over to the closet, kneels in front of it and pulls out a small box out of a compartment I never knew excisted. I curiously follow her and the box until she sits back in front of me. She opens the box grabs a necklace and hands it over to me. It's a silver colored locket and I look from the necklace to Idina. I open it and a small picture of a baby girl appears. "Dee?" my brain is working overtime trying to understand what is happening. "This is Luna" she whispers. "Who is Luna?" I'm trying my best to combine the dots, but it's not working. "Luna is my daughter" she whispers barely audible. My heart seems to stop for a few beats and I stare at her. "I had a baby. I had a beautiful baby girl back in 1992." she whispers trying to hold back her sobs. I can't find the words to react so I decide to just wait until she continues. "I was a little uhm wild back then. I just got out of a relationship with Jet and I think I slept with everyone I could. I don't remember it all very well, but I forgot to take my pill and gods punishment for being so reckless was to make me pregnant. I didn't know what to do, but I just knew I couldn't kill it. But I also knew I couldn't raise a babygirl. I just bought an apartment with Jet, I just knew I got casted in Rent and I was still singing at Bar Mitwas. I was incapable of being a mother." she lets out a shaky breath before going on. "After a few months I decided to tell my mom, because I needed advice. I took Jet with me because I was terrified of facing her alone. I fucked up and I knew it. When we arrived Jet took Cara out, because she was too young back then. I talked with my mom and yeah let's say that she wasn't really happy. She told me to make the smartest choice and not to come back with a baby, bc she didn't want anything to do with it. I decided to give her up for adoption. I carried her 8 months and 24 days and she was born in the hospital. I held her 4 times in total. Right after she was born, they put her on my chest. The second time was after they washed her and I got to feed her. She slept in my arms for a few hours and when she woke up it was time to go. I hold her for the ride to her new house. To her new family. The last time I hold her was right before I put her to bed. In her brand new crib in her brand new room. A room full of stuff I would never be able to get her back then. But no matter how right the choice seemed it still felt like I left a piece of my heart with her the day I placed her in that crib. I saw her 3 times after that day. Always outside, because I didn't want to be confronted with the fact that she had a house I never could give her. The last time I saw her I told her Mandy, her mom, that it was better for her to be without me in her life. I gave Mandy a letter and told her to give her that once she was ready. I wrote a letter to my daughter to tell her that I'm her mom and that she could contact me if she was ready to know who I am. Walter, her dad, called me last week to let me know that they gave her the letter for her birthday. Mandy passed away a few months ago and they decided that she was ready. Luna was very confused and mad at first, but she doesn't want to know who I am. But I would've done the same as her if I was in that situation. I wouldn't want to meet me too after doing this to someone." she whispers and finally looks me in the eyes. Her green eyes are red and puffy and her body is still shaking a little. I'm still trying to find words to say and all I do is gently place my hand on her knee. She looks from my eyes to the hand on her knee. "I will leave you alone now" she whispers softly before getting up to walk out of the room. "No, wait" I finally manage to find my voice back. "I want to talk" I let out causing Idinas eyes to meet mine again. "You do?" she arches her eyebrown. I nod and tap on the bed signing her to sit back down. She slowly sits back in front of me but doesn't look at me.

IDINAS POV

"Can I ask you some questions?" she asks carefully probably afraid that I'm going to break again. I nod slowly, but all that's going through my head right now is how much of a failure I feel at the moment. "Who know about this?" she starts making sure her hand is touching me. "Uhm Jet was the first one to know. My mom, my dad, Lunas parents and eventually Cara knew." she slowly nods and I see that she is trying to process all that just  happened. "Do you know who the father is?" she continues and I simply shake my head. "No I don't, but there is a possibilty to do a DNA test if Luna ever wants too." I fiddle onto my fingers. "Do you know how she looks now?" I slowly shake my head again. "No" I answer softly which is followed by a few moments of silence. "Kris, can I ask you an honest question?" she looks at me and nods. "Are you mad at me for not telling you? I want you to be honest with me please?" I whisper looking at her. She remains silence for a few seconds but then looks me into my eyes. "Mad, no. Dissapointed, maybe a little. But this is you and I know you. I've known for a little while that you wanted to tell me something. That something was bothering you. But I learned if I don't push the answer will come eventually. I am just very hurt that you carried this all by yourself for so long. Because even if you told me this the first day we were dating, I would've still fallen in love with you. Bc I'm madly, truely and head over heels in love with you and I mean all of you. You could've told me and I could've been there for you." she smiles carefully moving closer to me. "I'm sorry" I say looking down again. "I do have one question though. How is it that your body has nothing that gives away that you had a baby. I mean how did you have her?" she says while her finger goes from my chest to my inner thigh. "I had her through the normal way, I was just very lucky to have an easy labour. I was probably punished enough for getting pregnant and having to give away my baby. I It's a little stretched out down there, but no stitches or scars." I say with a small smile. She smiles and moves closer to me. She leans against my chest and we just sit there in silence. Her finger is trailing over my body leaving no single spot untouched. After a while she breaks the silence again. "How long did it take until your mom turned by?" she asks and I get where she is coming from since I always seem normal when my mother comes by. "about 3 years. After I gave Luna up for adoption she kept telling me it was the best choice. And I wouldn't believe her, because I was heartbroken. But it took us 3 years to clear it all up. And we burried it, she won't speak about it because she knows how sad it makes me." Kristin nods again and I can sense that she has another question. "You can ask me anything honey, you deserve to know everything" I let out giving her a little push to ask her questions instead of putting them away. "Does our spot have something to do with her? With Luna?" she pleads. I slowly nod. "When I found out I was pregnant I had a panic attack. I had to leave the apartment and Jet took me to the spot. We watched the sunrise and we just sat there. Then after my first ultra sound he took me there again. After that we didn't go for a short time, until I basically got disowned by my mom. I was mad, anxious and terrified and just wanted to go home. But instead Jet dragged me to our place and we sat there until I had it figured out. The last time I was there was before we went to Lunas new house. I wanted her to be there, the place were I found my peace. And when I brought you there I felt the same. You are my peace now" I say and I look at her. The tears in her eyes escape and roll down on her cheek. I gently wipe them away and kiss her temple. "If you ever have questions, just ask them. I kept it long enough from you and you have the right to know everything." I breathe out while leaning my forehead against Kristins. "Do you think you can ever forgive yourself?" she suddenly asks. "For what?" I say. "For giving Luna a better life instead of blming yourself for not being good enough for her?" she says almost simply. "I might. One day I might be able to forgive myself." I answer. "Until then I will remind you of it. I will remind you how proud I am of you. And how much I love you. You're not alone Dee, I'm right here" she whispers and I feel a warm tear on my cheek. "I love you Kris, I really do"