You Learn To Live Without || Chenzel Story

36. I made a promise, remember?

*possible TW?*

"Keep your head up" is what they say. 
"Things will get better" is what they made her believe. But do they know? Do they know how her body is falling down. Do they know her brain is talking shit.
"Keep your head up" is what they say.
Like I haven't thought of that myself, like I want to feel this way. It's not that easy you know, smiling.
"Keep your head up" is what they say.
"Your crown will fall" is what they joked about. But what if that crown already fell a long time ago. What if the queen that is supposed to be inside has become the pauper. What if the smiley girl, became the mask she is wearing.
"Keep your head up" is what they say.
It's what they say because they know nothing more to say. "The pain will fade" is what they tell you then. But have you felt your heart getting ripped out of your body. Have you felt someone put that knife in your back. Have you felt heartless, numb and afraid at the same time. 
"Keep your head up" is what they say,  but what if I tell you "I'm sorry sir, that's too late"

IDINAS POV

"Please, No" I scream waking myself up in the proces. I shoot up from my bed panting uncontrolably. My breath  wavers and I throw the blankets off. "It's not real, you're save" I repeat to myself over and over again just like my therapist told me to do. "breathe Idina, breathe" I whisper to myself while my breath is still shaky. I slowly sit myself at the bedside and continue my breath exercises. Once I feel calm enough to stand up I walk to my medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I grab the bottle of calmingspills and shake 2 pills on my hand. I stare at the small round pills before throwing them into my mouth. I wash them away with some water and look to myself in the mirror. "Why are you letting those thoughts in again. Look what you're doing to yourself" I glare at the body in my reflection. I'd like to say that it looks like me but it certainly does not. It's not like you can count my ribs but I definitely lost weight. And then my face, the bags under my eyes need to be fixed everytime I get to the theatre, my eyes are puffy from all the crying and my hair is a mess. I let out a sigh and slowly get myself to the bed. I lower myself onto my back and finally manage to steady my breathing. Breathe in through your nose, hold it a few seconds and let it out through your mouth. The simple but suprisingly good working exercise has calmed me down multiple times these past few days. I stare at the ceiling while I listen to the sounds around me. I can hear the clock ticking, my own heart beating in my chest and the streets of new york in the background outside my apartment. I close my eyes and count up to 100 and back until I finally drift off in a restless sleep.

I startle awake for the second time but this time it's because of the harsch sound of the alarm on my phone. I turn in off and take a deep breathe trying to calm down my throbbing heart. "It's okay, you're save" I repeat to myself again while checking the room to be sure. I start off my morning routine and eventully end up on the couch with a simple breakfast which turned out to be a lunch since it took forever to get up. The television is turned on but i'm not really watching. I swirl my spoon through my cereal and glare at the pictures on the television cabinet. The first one is a picture from me and the rent cast on closing night. The smiles are as bright as the sun and Taye has his arm around my waist. I feel a shiver going down my spine and shift myself to get slightly more comfortable. The next is a picture of the wicked cast at the diner downtown. It's a picture full of silly faces and laughter. A smile appears on my face as I think back at that night. The next picture is a picture of me and Kristin at the place where I took her on our first date. I look away from that picture awfully fast because I can feel the tears well up. And the fourth and last picture is of me and Cara. Her curls are in her face and I am cackling while looking over at her. It's taken on the opening night of Wicked before she got incredibly drunk. I smile at the memory and let out a sigh. Sometimes I hate the fact that I'm such a picture person with pictures lined up all over my walls. I put the meanwhile finished bowl of cereals on the coffee table and unlock my phone. No texts and no missed calls from my agency, so I put the phone down again. My eye falls on the news paper on the coffee table and I lean forwards to get it. I flip through the pages not really reading the actual news. "Wicked after Kristin Chenoweth leaves" the title of the article on the 6th page caught my attention. My eyes flew over the letters and I can feel my heartbeat picking up speed. "Kristin better off without Idina. Idina performs less without her normal costar." after reading the whole article my brain can't stop focussing on those two comments. "Come on dina, focus" I speak to myself trying to suppres my bounching leg. It's just one review, it's just one opinion. My breathe hitches and I get up to pace around the livingroom. "Don't get into a panic attack. Breathe in, breathe out. You're doing great." I try to stay as calm as I can but I feel my heart aching in my chest. 'Seek out for help' I repeatitiously hear the voice in my head saying. 'Don't be stubborn, call for help' I try to focus on the voice in my head. Without really realising I get my phone and click the first speed dail. "This is the voicemail of Kristin Chenoweth, leave a message after the beep" I snap out of my numb thoughs and look at the phone in my hand. 'Did you really think she would pick up' I mentally slap myself and I feel the tears filling up my eyes. I click my sisters speed dail and within a few beats I hear her soothing voice on the other line. "Dee, I have to pick the boys up, can I call you back?" she sounds stressed and an immediate feeling of quilt fills my body. Ofcourse she has her own life, what do you expect. "I- I'm sorry, I. You do your thing, call me after" 

CARAS POV

Her voice gets shaky and an instant mixed feeling of emotions enters my body. "Dee? What's wrong?" I ask her while throwing my bag over my shoulder. I can hear her breathing hitch and I stop halfway my hallway. "Idina?" I rarely use her whole name so I hope it will shake her up and she will notice that I'm serious. She stutters and I slowly let my bag slide from my shoulder. "Okay, I'm going to ask for a friend to pick them up and I'm staying on the phone with you. Okay, I'm right here" I state while texting my friend that I have an emergacy thingy so if she could take the boys from school. "Talk to me, what happened" I speak slowly and I can hear her voice shiver on the other side. "I'm sorry Cara. I'm sorry you have to cancel for me, I normally would call Kristin, but.." before she can finish she starts crying. "It's okay, I made a promise you remember. Whenever and whereever you need me, I'll be there" I speak out hoping it will calm her down. "Okay, now tell me what happened" I say sitting down on the couch.

After a while is not calming down and she has started hyperventilating. To be honest I think i've never heard her being this upset. She used to struggle with her anxiety and insecurity when she was younger but since everything that happened it has gotten worse. "Dee where are you now?" I ask gently hoping from the bottom of my heart that she is not planning on doing what she used to do. "I'm in the bathroom on the floor" I can feel my heart skip 3 beats and my breath fasten. "Dina?" it came out with more hesitation than I would've liked. The silence on the other side of the phone terrifies me. "Dina" this time I raise my voice a little. Rumbling sounds from the other side of the phone and the sound of her voice through the phone makes me feel a relieve. "Sorry, I zoned out" she stutters. "I'm sorry too, I thought you.." before finishing my sentence she breaks me off. "Oh no, I'm sorry Cara. I didn't mean to frightnen you." she whispers and I can hear her turning on the watercrane. "I need my calmingpills" she groans probably standing up to get them. "How many did you take already?" I state before realising I sound like a typical mom. "I know you love me Cara, but I'm not your daughter" she scoffs but in a playfull way. I can't help but smile because I notice how she is calming down. "I'm sorry, habits" I chuckle. "Let me just get my pills" she says with a lot of rumbling on the background. I can hear her take the cap of a bottle and the pills falling from the bottle into her hand. Then all of the sudden the noises get louder and there seem to be happening a lot of things at the same time. A loud bang echoes into my ear and I feel the panic taking over my body. "Dina?!" my voice is squeaky and I fiddle onto my blouse. "Idina?!" no response from the other side of the phone. My heart starts to race and i notice my shaking leg. "Idina, don't do this to me!" I can feel myself getting angry at her, but also at myself for not being able to be there within a second. The line seems death but she didn't hang up on me. "Dina, please" I beg her to response but nothing. "Hang on okay, I'm going to call the ambulance, please hang on. I love you" I can feel the tears forming in my eyes before hanging up. I dail 911 and impatiently wait for them to pick up. "911 what's your emergancy?" a womans voice sounds through the phone. "Hi, uh, my name is Cara Mentzel and I'm calling because I think my sister is in danger. I think she did something or she fell or I don't know" I start rambling and the tears are streaming over my cheeks. "Ma'am can you please breathe for me. I will understand you better if you try to calm down?" What does she think, my sister might be hurt and she wants me to calm down. "I'm sorry. uhm she.. we were on the phone and she went to grab something and then there was a loud bang and she is not responding anymore. She didn't hang up on me she just didn't respond. You need to get her, I'll fly over as soon as I can." I rapidly speak out. I give the woman the adress while I move to my laptop to find the fastest planeticket to new york. The women asks me some questions but I'm to upset and distracted to answer them. She promises me to keep me updated and then she hangs up on me. "Next flight is in 4 hours" I whisper to myself after looking on the internet. I can do that, I need to do that. My sister needs me.

It feels like forever ago that I wrote this and I'm genuially sorry. But it will be fine, she will be fine😙
Poem in the beginning by yours truely💗
Xo mel