You Learn To Live Without || Chenzel Story

44. terrified

KRISTINS POV

Waking up after a short night has never been my favorite thing to do, but as soon as I shift myself a little I still can't help to smile every single morning. The sleeping brunette next to me looks fast asleep with her hair messed up all over her pillow. Her bare body is covered under the sheets from last night and I gently trace my finger up her arm. My mind drifts off to last night. She seemed so fragile and breakable yesterday and eventhough she talked about it a little my guts are telling me that there is more. "I'm just so scared to loose you again" the voice of my girlfriend sounds through my head sending a slight shiver down my spine. I had told her that I wasn't going to leave her. It sounded so easy, but little did Idina know that I was terrified. Absolutely terrified after the moment I saw her knocked up onto all those machines. It was like what they always show you in movies. The scenes where something happens and the movie suddenly goes in slowmotion, and you're sitting there like "no that can't really happen". But right when I entered that room everything seemed to go in slowmotion and that terrified me. It still terrifies me everyday. Everytime my phone rings I'm terrified that it's the hospital or Cara telling me that somethings wrong with her. Everytime she zones out I'm terrified that the voice in her head are to much for her. Everytime I come home I'm terrified to find her on the floor in pain again. Everytime she breaks I'm terrified that it will be the final breakdown. "Kris? Honey are you okay?" I snap out of my thoughts to find Idina barely awake next to me. She sits herself straight up and I notice my wet cheeks as soon as she wipes away a tear on my cheek. "kris?" she says again making me look at her. The softness in her eyes give me some ressurance but I can't find the words to speak. She just looks at me and I can see that she is trying to read me. "it's okay" she gives me a small smile and I can feel myself trying to hold it together. Her eyes scan me another time and all I feel is the tears wanting to slide out. "come here" she opens her arms even before I realise I'm breaking. As soon as I feel her arms safely around me I allow myself to break. The tears are streaming down my face and she is holding on to my shaking body. "It's okay, I'm here" her soothing voice sounds in my ear and she tightens her grip. After a while I stopped crying, but Idina doesn't stop stroking my back while I'm resting against her chest. "you want to talk it out?" she breaks the silence with a soft whisper. The silence remains while I'm trying to put everything together. "It's about yesterday isn't it? " she continues softly and I finally look up into her eyes. "I didn't lie to you when I said I was never gonna leave you again" I bring out causing her to frown. "go on" she speaks squeezing my hand slightly. "Every since the day I walked into that hospital room and I saw you there in the bed.. I.." I can feel the tears filling up my eyes again. "tell me kris, please" she whispers while caressing my arm. "Every time my phone rings I'm afraid that it's your sister. Every time I come home I'm afraid to find you in pain. I'm not going to leave you because I just love you. I'm terrified of losing you Dee. I thought I lost you in that hospital bed back then, and I'm terrified to loose you here." I wipe away my own tears and then look at her again. She looks at me with tears in her eyes and just pulls me closer. She plants little kisses on my head and just holds me close. "please talking to me whenever you feel like this. Promise me that, kris" I just nod and cuddle even closer into her arms. "What about you take a nice warm shower while I make breakfast?" she says after a while slowly letting go of me. "sounds good" I simply reply as I watch her get out bed. "okay you go shower then and I'll be ready with breakfast right after." she kisses me and I watch her leave to the kitchen. 

IDINAS POV

"I'm still wondering how your pancakes are a gift from heaven and everything else ends up with ordering in?" I look up from the stove to see my girlfriend walk into the kitchen with a small grin on her face. "If I didn't love you so much I would be offended" I chuckle before leaning in to kiss the corner of her mouth. "Don't touch them" I say slapped her hand away from the pile of fresh pancakes. She lets out a sigh and makes her way over to set the table. After a solid 10 minutes I place the plate with pancakes in the middle of the table and sit myself down. "Are you feeling better?" I speak up look over to Kristin referring to this morning. She give me a smile and nods. "A little tired, but I'll take a nap and I'll be fine"  she says before taking a bite of the pancakes. "Do you have a show today?" I continue while slicing my pancake. "No, I asked for my understudy to go on today after last night" she breathes out before taking another bite. "kris, you know you don't have to do that. Your theatre time is your time, you don't give that up for me." I let out while looking at her. "I know you don't like it honey, but you should've seen yourself yesterday." she says with a small smile. "Besides that I just wanted to be with you after last night. And then this morning happened." she takes my free hand and gives it a little squeeze. "I don't mind okay, don't overthink it my sweet" I just nod and then take the last bite of my pancake. 

After cleaning up and doing the dishes I make my way over to the livingroom. "I'm going to do some vocalising in the studio" I announce while putting my phone on the charger. Most of the time I prefer not having my phone in the studio because in that way I can focus more without the urge to check for texts. I gently close the door behind me and place myself behind the piano. I look at the sheet music in front of me. For good. A smile appears on my face and I place my fingers on the first chords. Before I can even play the chord I hear my phone going off in the living room. I'm expecting Kristin to come around the corner with my phone, but the door stays closed. I let out a sigh and get up to walk to the livingroom. I look over to the couch where I find Kristin fast asleep curled into a ball. I can't help but smile before grabbing my phone. "Hi, Idina Menzel" I speak out and then I realise I didn't check who called me. "Hi Idina, this is Walter Porter " the moment the man on the other line said his name I felt a shiver going doing my spine. "Walter, hi. I didn't really expect you to call. How have you been?" I let out with a nervous chuckle. "We lost Mandy a few months ago that's been hard, but further than that we've been okay" the man says and clears his throat. "But that's not what I'm calling for." he continues and I feel myself getting more nervous. "I'm so sorry for you loss. How can I help you?" I let out. "We gave her your letter.. for her 12th birthday" he says and I can feel my heart skip a few beats. "oh.. uh.. how did she.." I stutter finding it very hard to find words. "She was very angry at first, but when she calmed down she asked a lot of questions. She is smart, incredibly smart, but she was just so confused. I told her that I could contact you, but she didn't want to. But I think she needs more time." I can feel the tears forming in my eyes. Never in a million years did I expect her to find out, nor to be contacted by these people for a long time. "So I just wanted to let you know that she knows, and she has a lot of questions. But she doesn't want to contact you yet. She will when the time is ready, but I wanted to prepare you for that." I can hear in his voice that he is smiling. "Thank you" is all I can let out. He talks a little bit more about her going to school and how she is before hanging up. And I find myself staring to the wall for a few minutes. After a while I snap out of my thoughts and walk over to the couch, sit down and look down on my sleeping girlfriend. I gently strike a hair behind her ear and lean in to kiss her temple. I place my hand on her hip and within a few seconds I'm zoned out again by all the thoughts going through my head right now. So many thoughts, but only one that seems to scream for attention. My daughter knows.

A/N

It feels like forever since I wrote this and it feels weird rereading it.

But I hope y'all like ittt
Xo Mel