I've Got A Feeling

Mother

July 15, 1958

"Please, wake up. Please." Her hands were cold as ice. No, wake up! Mum don't leave me! Please I won't let you down! Julia please! Wake up Mummy. I felt her soft and freezing skin on my lips as I give her a kiss on the cheek. I could see conversations, but I couldn't hear people. I felt a hand on my shoulder. He had tears in his eyes. "Johnny, I'm so sorry."

I get up. "Come here, John." "No." "No?" "Go to hell." "What did I do to you?" "Everything! Thanks a lot McCartney!" "John wait!" "Let me be!" "We can talk about this!" "NO WE CAN'T! GOODBYE PAUL!" I ran off into the streets, pushing past faces. I couldn't feel anything, hoping this is a nightmare.

I watched as all of the people in the street gathered around the damaged vehicle, but it wasn't the car they are looking at. "Would everyone please move along? Out of respect for the ones who can no longer speak for themselves." They obeyed my orders, patting me on the shoulder. I'm not her son, it should be John here right now. I wiped my face of tears. I didn't see my mother pass, but he had to witness his. Police were investigating the scene. I couldn't take it. I walked all over town to distract myself. Still, nothing worked.

There was one thing I felt. Anger. Towards Paul. He was the one that told me to go for it, and look at what happened. Did I listen to my gut instinct? No. I walked and ran and jogged, it still got me nowhere. I felt little drops of rain fall onto my coat. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME!"

I reached the wide open meadow to see a frail body knelt down. "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD LAUGH! YOU FUCKING WANKER!" It was raining outside, with the stars clearer than ever. There was one that outshines the rest. It reflects millions of colors. "I HOPE THAT MY SUFFERING BRINGS YOU JOY!"

Hot tears slide down my face as I let out all my anger. A lump sits at the back of my throat, lungs shaking. "Out of all the people you could have taken, why did it have to be m-mum?"

I don't want to lose him. He's the best thing that happened to me. Why do I dig myself into a hole I know I can't jump out of?

I feel my eyes become Niagara Falls from all the tears that run down. My lip starts to quiver as I feel Paul wrap his arms around me, muttering one phrase. "I'm sorry."

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"Sorry for wha'?" "For pushing you away. I'm sorry for screamin' my 'ead off at you to go the hell away. I'm sorry for being an ass." He rubs my back as heaving sobs erupt from my lungs. "It's understood." We stood there for a few seconds, until I gripped tighter onto his waist. "I'm so sorry John."

I lost my mother. Why did this have to happen? I bury my head into the crook of Paul's neck, feeling his soft baby like skin. I feel hiccups bellow up from my diaphragm. "It's okay John, let it all out. I know this won't feel good now, but it will get better later." "I was just letting her in again." "I know." "Then she gets fucking killed by a fucking car!" "I know." "God just hates me." "John don't do that. It could have happened to anyone, even me-" "Yeah but it didn't! It happened to Julia! Not you. God forbid it would be you." I felt his delicate hands rub my back as my diaphragm decided to fluctuate. "I never meant for it to be this way. I didn't know that this would happen. I'm so sorry-" I heard his voice break. "Hey, it's okay. Don't cry, it makes me upset. Don't cry for me James."

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"You wanna grab a drink or something?" "John I can't-" "Why because you're dad will kill you? Because he'll never allow you to see me again? What is it?" "Well, I'm underage. But yeah." "Oh." My cheeks turned the darkest shade of red with embarrassment. "Well, I can lie for you. You can pass for eighteen. Hell, I'm not even eighteen, but they think I am." "I guess one drink won't hurt me." "That's the spirit."

Time flew by as I felt shots of whiskey sprint to my brain. The room was spinning and I couldn't hear anything. "Huh?!" "More shots for you sir?" "Make it four more!" I felt warm hands on top of mine. "John, you need to stop. It's getting out of hand." "Maybe you need to relax a little Macca! I'm doing fine." My words were grouped together and I couldn't even point my finger straight. "You've had enough John!" My fingers refused to listen as I tilted my head back to down the next two shots. "I'm coming Julia." My legs were close to giving out on me before I felt an arm around my waist. "Paul?" "Yes Lenny?" "I don't feel so good." "You want to go home now?" I just stared into his eyes with remorse. I couldn't differ if my body was warm from the drinks or the feeling of Paul on me.

My feet kept on moving until we reached a park bench. "Paulie, I feel sick." "Sit down." I did as he requested and felt his hands on my shoulders as acid and semi-digested food raced back out of my mouth. "Let it all out. That's it Johnny." I wiped the side of my mouth, sliding back up staring at the night sky. "Wow, the stars are pretty tonight. Especially this one." I followed his finger to see a ginormous glimmering star, brighter than all of the others. I gazed into his hazel eyes, seeing them shimmer. "What?" He questioned. "That is the star my mother dedicated to me and it has always been mine. But from now on it will be yours too, if you want." He looked at me like I was crazy, but to be fair the alcohol was raging at its high point. "Its name is Mary Julia and every time you will look at it in any situation, any moment, you will know that I am there near to you and laughing about how queer you are." I saw he stifled a shriek. Tears flooded my eyes. "I will always be there, I promise, I will look at you from Mary Julia. And even the contrary because it's our star, just ours, a star that belongs to two idiots who strum and that every night lie on a bench full of alcohol." We sat there in silence, content with everything. The last thing I remember from that night was Paul's soft voice. "That's beautiful, John."

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"That's b-beautiful, John." I felt my throat closing in on me as my face filled with tears. I felt a head rest on my shoulder for a few seconds. "I love you Paul." "I-....." My words were cut off with his cracked lips. I closed my eyes, taking in the moment as it happened. I know it's just the alcohol gesturing, but I make it my all. "So uh,.....that happened." "Yeah, I guess it did. You won't tell anyone right? Cause I can't let Macca find out. He'd freak the fuck out if he knew I was queer." "........Sure mate."