I've Got A Feeling

{Part II}

"I-, h-haven't been d-doing t-too w-well."

I closed my eyes, a haze of drowsiness filling them. His touch was lulling me to sleep, combined with his soft voice. "I kind of figured. How have you not been well? If I'm asking, since you seemed fine to me." I let out a shaky breath. "I uh, the r-reason you didn't s-see it is because-, well, I've been d-drinking myself into a haze every single night, w-with Pete and S-Stu." I closed my eyes again, waiting for him to yell at me that I could've got addicted and died. "John, it's okay. You don't need to be afraid to tell me. You should've said so." "I didn't want you screamin' your 'ead off at me because I could die from too much." "No, no. When you have a problem, come to me. It doesn't matter if it's two in the morning and I was asleep. You need help and I want to be the one to help you." "T-thanks M-Macca." I flashed him a smile, tears flooding out once again.

"John, how much sleep have you been getting?" "What? The normal amount I always-" "Johnny." He raised his voice on me, glaring into my blood shaded eyes. "How much sleep have you been getting?" "I'm telling the-" "John!" "Fine! I haven't slept in maybe, I dunno, five days?" "John, that's not healthy." "I know I know. It's just, I can't sleep, thinkin' about it." He wiped one of my tear stains. "I know. You ready to head back? You gonna be okay?" I contemplated lying, but we could read each other better than the damn Bible. "I will be, eventually. But we should probably head back. People will start to think we went to shag." I shot him a wink. "John! That's not something you say to a mate!" "You're not just "any mate" to me Paulie." I could feel the blush spread across my head. Not face, head. But that might just be the cold piercing wind talking.

We walked back in to see people give us looks, and I almost ran back out from all the anxiousness jolting together. I felt his hand squeeze mine, giving me a sense of calm. There were so many emotions I couldn't deal with at once that I just push people away when I need them most. Anger, sadness, grief, love, lust, and anxiety. I whispered into his ear. "You go converse with the other guests, there's something I need to do." He sent me look saying okay, and he scurried away.

I walked into the sanctuary to find one woman sitting in the front pew by where the casket previously had been. I heard her lungs shaking and saw the tears run down her face. She was whispering to herself. "I'm sorry I let you down Jules. I'm trying my best, to raise a boy just like you. I know you loved him, I just didn't want to admit it. You had to do what you had to, for the both of us. He's very difficult. I wish, I could tell you how much I love and care for the boy. How much I love you. I try and I try, and it never gets easier. He has your wit. Raising him is not easy, and sometimes my best is never g-good enough." I sat down next to her, taking her hand into mine, and resting my head into her lap. "I'm sorry Mary. I didn't mean to yell and hurt you." Tears welled up in my eyes thinking of things. "I guess I'm not- I guess I'm n-not, h-handling it that w-well." My lip started to whimper, thinking of how poorly I actually treated her. I realized she was trembling as I felt her move a piece of hair out of my face. There was only one phrase that came from her lips and was so quiet only I could hear it.

"Y-you're wearing y-yer g-glasses."

"I guess I am."

I never wore them, even if I couldn't see bat shit without them. She always badgered me about it until she forced them onto my face, me taking them off as soon as I heard the door shut. They were the glasses that Mum picked out when I started needing them. After she left the second time, I resented them because it had her written all over them. Even if later they ended up being the Buddy Holly style. But Mimi forced me to wear them, forcing me to think of me mother.

"For Julia."

I wrapped my arms around her small frame and felt my lungs shake. "I love you Mary. I don't say it enough, but I need to. I'm sorry for all the ruckus I've caused over the years, between the two of us." I felt my coat dampening, which means she must have been silently crying. "I- I love you too John."

We stayed like that for what felt like hours, but my perception of time isn't the greatest taking the drowsiness into consideration. "You ready to leave John?" "You can uh, you can leave without me. I'm gonna hang a little longer." I flashed a small smile at her. "Well, don't stay out too late." "I won't. Goodnight Mimi." "Goodnight John." I pecked her on the cheek and stood up to see Paul standing in the doorway. He linked our arms together as we walked outside, and I felt the butterflies in my stomach double.

"That was really sweet of you John." "What?" "Hugging Mimi. I saw you talked to her as well?" "Yeah, just uh, how me at uni is gonna work for us." He could see I was lying, but didn't press me on the issue. "So, where are ya gonna go then?" "Well, there's this art college I'm probably going to, Stu's gonna be there too." "Oh, that's very nice." I could hear the annoyance in his voice. "What's wrong Macca?" "Nothing, I'm fine." "Macca." "Fine, it's Stu. He just, he hates me, I know it. And I know he's your mate and everything, I get that. But, it just bothers me that he bores his eyes into me whenever I'm near you." I tried to reassure him. "Look, he is my mate, I've known him for so long. But, that doesn't mean I like you any less." I booped his adorable nose. "I'm sure he likes you. He does that with everybody I interact with, especially these days. You just have to get used to it. Even if he does, who cares? You're mine Macca, and if he can't live with that, then he'll have to pick me or living without me."

We walked for a while until I felt tired. "Paulie, I'm tired." "You shouldn't have stayed up for five days straight then." "I couldn't fall asleep then." I wined. "Fine, how about we'll go to Geo's and then you can go to sleep, okay?" "No!" "No?" "I'm not going to sleep!" "But you literally just said-" "Ignore what I said, Macca. I feel like goin' for a drink, how 'bout you?" "Johnny no!" "Fine!" I crossed my arms, feeling a little bit upset that he turned down drinks. I wasn't really looking where I was going, just staring at my feet and the ground below them. I almost fell over when I bumped into my confidante, those red gates.

"Wanna go inside?" "Why not." Everything felt different now that Mum is truly gone. It used to be a place where I would dream about maybe meeting her again, but now its changed. I can't bring her back. I took his hand, realizing how sweaty mine were. Here's the open meadow once again. I bent down and plucked a flower from the grass. "Here Paulie." "What's this?" "A reminder that you're a pansy, but you're my pansy." "Oh you, mph!" He huffed, which I let out a laugh. We laid down in the grass, admiring the stars.

"Their so beautiful." "Y-yeah." I felt a tear in my eyes as I gazed to see one shining bigger than the rest. "It looks like, s-she's h-home." I rested my head on Paul's stomach, knowing it's a nice cushion.

Hey, Mum. Just wanted to say hello. You settling in okay? I hope so. I know we don't have the best, or in this case had, the best past. But, just know that I'm sorry for how I treated you. I know it doesn't make a fucking difference now, but I like to think you're listening. I am your son, and I can't change who I am or who my parents are. You tried the best you could, and I promise I'll treat Mimi better than what I have. I'll be honest, I miss you. I'm not doing this whole grief thing well. Drinking shouldn't be what I had done, but it is. I still hate what you did to me and Mimi, but I can't fix it. You meet anyone good up there? Meet Mary? No, Mary McCartney. You'll get to know her pretty well I think. I uh, I have something to tell you that I should've when you were alive, because you could have helped with this. Here goes. I am attracted to my best mates. Paul, you've met him. And one other that you never got to meet weirdly. His name is Stuart, Sutcliffe. We call him Stu. I know you would've been supportive somehow, but now I wouldn't know. Is it weird up there? Is it weird for me to think I could talk to you from here? You're probably not even listening, but here I am. I love you, Mum.

I felt a rapid breeze flow over me, but it wasn't frigid. I can't describe what I heard through the winds, but I swear I heard a voice. Maybe I'm really crazy. Saying, I love you. "You hear that?" "Hear what?" My eyelids soon fell shut, sleep sprinkling over ever slightly.

"Oh,...nevermind."