I've Got A Feeling

Chapter Twenty

The past few weeks haven't been easy with being in uni, but Paul added to the mix just stressed me out. There's also this bird in one of my classes, she's cute when I fluster her. I always sit behind her, cause I know she's nice enough to let me borrow her things, either that or she's scared to death of me. I noticed her style changed too. We bonded over the fact we can't see shit without prescription lenses. But, I don't think I'd ever ask her out. I mean, maybe if these feelings for my mates go away, then yeah I would. But for now, nada.

One thing I find crazy is that George and I have been talking more recently. I've never really given him a chance, so I guess it's expected since Paul and I haven't really talked that much since August. We see each other during practice, but that's pretty much it now. I've tried to confront my feelings, meaning talking to him, but I just can't pull myself to do it. I see he talks with George quite a bit through their mind bit rehearsing, but I never know what it's about. I wish I did. There's a lot of head nods toward me and Stu a lot of the time, lots and lots of eyebrow raises for certain.

I watch him idly as he packs up, delicate and aware of his rhythm guitar. Conversing with George as routine, smiling occasionally with a laugh. Fuck it. I carefully walked over and gently tapped on his shoulder. "Paul?" I saw his body tense, I knew he was intentionally avoiding me! "Y-Yes John?" "Would you mind grabbing a drink Thursday? I'm free that night." He decided to play with me.

"Thursday? What's on Thursday? George, what's on Thursday?" George shrugged his shoulders, completely oblivious as to what was going on. "Oh yes, that's right. The ninth of October. I think that's familiar." I looked down at my shoes. "It's yer eighteenth on the ninth! That's right! Oh silly me! But, yes, I am free if you want to grab a drink." "Really?" He whispered so quiet it was audible to only me. "I couldn't ever forget your birthday. You know that. There's something I have to tell you when we go though." Curiosity hit me. "What is it?" "I cannot tell you, not here." "Oh."

I wanted to know so bad, but I didn't want to pry him. We only just started to talk again after the incident. It keeps eating me inside, my brain not being able to concentrate. "John..John!" "Huh?" George put his hands on his hips. "Aren't you ready to leave?" "Oh uh, yeah, let's go." I waited anxiously for Thursday to come in a flash, marking down the days in my mental calendar.

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The hours had passed and I felt ready to leave for the pub. I don't know why I feel nerves, maybe it's because I'll probably pick up a bird if this doesn't blow over well. I have to fix what I've done. But why would I be nervous about that? I've never had a problem like that, and I'm just hanging out with John. John. God, why do these erections HAVE TO show up when I think of him? It's been going on for too long. I looked into the mirror trying to fix my hair. "You getting all pretty for that John Lennon?" "Shut up." "Oh my god John!" Mike said in a girly tone, mocking me. "I said shut it!" I punched him in the arm. "Kiss me John." Blood started to lift in my cheeks. Stop it! I yelled at my body. "I love you John!" Mike said as he walked away.

My hair was fine, but then I started to worry about my outfit. What if it doesn't look right? Relax, you're only meeting John, it's fine. Now it looks like I'm trying too hard. Oh my god stop it! You sound like a bloody bird for Lord's sake! I just kept getting this feeling when I thought of him. Maybe I love John. No, you don't! You're not bloody queer! It's a sickness, you'll be over it soon. You just have to tell him you have these feelings for right now and that they'll go away. He's your mate, you cannot like him that way. But he kissed you, and pushed him away! Telling him that it wasn't going to happen, you don't have those feelings! But I do, I really do love him. I straightened out my shirt. The way he makes me feel with that glimmer in his eyes, and his smile. The way he's gentle when I get emotional, just like mum. God I miss her.

I had told John about my mother passing, one of the very few who were aware actually. He would always make sure I was okay if something reminded me of her. I try to do the same for him, I know how hard it is. It's bad enough he never really knew her, but they were just starting to connect through music. I only noticed the tears when I felt the humidity on my neck. I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay Paul?" I turned my head to see a blurry figure behind me. "Yeah, just fine Dad." I wiped some of the tear stains off my face. "It's okay." Then walked in Michael. "Why are you crying?" He stepped closer to see the pain in my eyes. "Mum." I broke down in sobs. "I know, come here." I was pulled into a hug with my father and brother.

I wish she was here right now. Able to see her son grow up into a young man. She would be able to help me. They both left the room when I told them I'd be fine. I need John. My cheeks were rosy, but I couldn't care less. I settled on black pants with a white shirt and my leather jacket. It is starting to get cold out, but it wasn't too long of a walk. I said my goodbyes and headed out the door hoping to confide in John.

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I stood outside the pub waiting for Paul to arrive. I grabbed a cigarette and lit it, inhaling the vapors, feeling a sense of pleasure. I actually had my glasses on because I can't see shit without them, and Paul makes me feel I can wear them in front of people, he gives me the confidence. The winds were freezing, but it didn't matter. I would freeze to death if it meant he would be safe and protected. People stared, but I just gave them a sarcastic side grin. One of the passerby was my best mate. "Stu? Wha' are ya doing here?" "Well, I just thought I would roam the streets for a while, clear my 'ead." One of very few moments, he took his shades off. "Why'd you take them off?" He looked around for people, there seemed to be none around. "I know about you Lennon." "What?" "It's okay, because I am too." "What are you talking about Stu?" "This."

He pushed his lips onto mine with a slight force. It felt wrong, but I had wanted it for so long now. After that one night we had kind of just decided to forget it ever happened, and oh how I missed it. I almost felt my lip becoming red from the suction of his lips. The feeling in my stomach fluttered. My legs gave out from under me, feeling his hand on my waist. I wrapped my lips around his, tasting his strong scent of bourbon and cigarettes. He took over me, forcing a moan of hunger out.

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Just relax, tell him you-John? I-, I.......

My stomach fell. I didn't know what I felt before was real, but now I do. Being queer is not a sickness, it is love. All this time I threw hatred at myself, and now I especially did. My lip was whimpering as I felt hot tears trickle down from my eyes. My fists clenched at the sight, his knees were buckled. He doesn't love me, he loves Stu. I'm second place, chopped liver. Wanker, this is your fault! You told him that it wasn't going to happen! I can't believe that I did this to myself. "I'll see ya later Johnny." "O-Okay." Stuart smirked as he walked away. I felt like I was going to throw up, my skin turning more pale. There was hurt in my eyes. I kept running, my calves burning. He was confusing me as to who I was. I'm not fucking queer, I like girls, but I love him. I stormed off, not exactly knowing where to go, but knowing I can't face John.