I've Got A Feeling

Chapter Seventeen

I felt a shiver down my spine as my teeth chattered and my skin continued to freeze. "John, you have to wake up. It's not gonna disappear if you try to pretend it's not there." "Go away. I'm not going." "Yes you are. Now out! I want you up and ready by 9:30." "Fuck off." "That's not something you say to the woman that raised you! Now get up!" I rubbed my face tiredly, lifting my body up from the comfort of my mattress. My muscles feel weak, skin cold, eyes heavy. C'mon Lennon, you're better than this. "I'm not going!" "Fine. I guess you're handling it well."

I hate it when Mimi gets like this. I know for a fact it'll be hell if I don't apologize. But I can't give a damn right now. I didn't get much sleep the night before, or the night before that. Or the night before that if I'm being completely honest. But I did need to get out of bed one day. I hate it when she's right. I threw on the most dressy attire I had and started hacking away at my hair. "Oh come on, don't do this now. Bloody 'ell! It's like dealin' with a turban." The dark purple under my eyes was obvious, and my eyes were bloodshot just to quickly add. I look like death had a shit. I needed something to wake up, but I didn't have the time, nor energy as mentioned earlier. "Alright, time to get the gin off eh?" No matter how hard I tried it seems like I can't get the stink of alcohol off my breath. My teeth hurt, but no alas. "Fuck it." I walked back into my room, avoiding all of the shit thrown around, and spritzed on some cologne, since I was too lazy to shower.

"That's my John." "Shove it Mimi." "Maybe you should lay off the whiskey once in a while Lennon." I raised my eyebrow in shock. "I hear you stumble home every night, don't act like you were sober when you threw stuff around your room." I sighed, knowing she was right. I really just gave up on myself. "You ready to go?" "As I can be." The drive there was silent, both of us not wanting to converse about the event we were heading to. She stepped out of the car, while I sat there. I couldn't move, my brain refusing to force my nerves to budge. "You coming John?" "Yeah, just give me a second. I'll be right in." She followed my statement and walked in alone, I waited until she closed the venue door.

I put my head in my hands, feeling them shake. "I fucking hate this! You wanking cunt!" That would usually be a complement, but anger coursed through my veins. I slammed the car door behind me. "You happy now? Cause I'm sure not!" I rested a cigarette between my lips, letting the carbon flow over the tissue in my lungs. "Need a mate?" I recognized that soft voice from anywhere. "Paul? What are ya doin' here?" "Thought I would be there for you, as a mate, a lad." "Well, thanks." He patted my shoulder, assuring me that he'll be there. "Why don't we go in then?"

It took every force in my body not to let tears slide. People stared at me, and I almost couldn't take it. "John, I feel terrible how things ended with you and Mum. I'm truly so-" "Don't bother." I cut my half sister off knowing it wasn't worth it. "It came and went. There's no reason to be sad over it." "Oh. Well, I'm glad to see you're handling it nicely." I flashed a fake smile at her, quickly walking away to process everything. I felt a warm hand on top of my shoulder. "You okay?" "Y-yeah, just fine. Perfectly dandy." Food from last night was daring to come up, burning my throat and the back of my tongue. "You wanna see her? One last time before...y'know." My mind was racing with conflicting arguments, indecisive on how to answer. "N-no. I'm fine. It's, it's fine."

I sat down in one of the pews by the casket. I can't bring myself to look. In the casket is my mother. We never had the best relationship, but I like to think deep down, somehow I love her. She taught me to play guitar, which I still use now. She took me to the fair in town at the time, one of the last good moments I ever had with her. But I can't separate it from the fact that she still hurt me. I felt used when she left. No one in this world can love me, even my own biological mother. Of course she wouldn't. No one can love a queer. The little pests that infect the world and the population itself. The world would be better off. Without people like you. Just look at yourself, you emotional pansy. "John? John!" "Hm?" "It's time for the burial dear." "O-oh."

This was one of the only times I saw Mimi cry. Everyone had tears in their eyes, while I was trying to keep them in. Blinking them away was becoming very difficult. My heart broke to see her in such pain, she doesn't deserve to see her sister in such a state. I wrapped my hand into hers, feeling her freezing skin. I rested my head onto her shoulder, trying to comfort her. My throat was closing in on me, seeing her casket being lowered into the ground, and then I felt fingers brush against mine. "You okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine. Just like I told you earlier. It's Mimi I'm worried about."

People were giving grievances, but I didn't believe them. There's no way they felt horrible for me and my family. They didn't know Julia like I knew her. "I'm very sorry John, I know it must be hard-" "Yeah yeah just move along. I don't need yer fookin' sympathy." "Sorry-" "I said go!" Rage was filling my bones, I felt I could punch a wall or someone. Mimi walked up to me, I already knew what it was about. "John there's no need to push them away. They're just being nice." "Yeah but I don't need that." "John-" "No you listen to me! I'll deal with people how I want to deal with them. I don't need you meddling in my business!"

I ran off fuming. My legs felt about breaking into pieces being so weak. I heard the front entrance open again. "John that is no way to treat your own aunt! You can't just expect people to deal with your anger by ignoring it!" "Y'know what? I don't give a fuck right now Paul!" "John-" "No! I don't need a pushback from you right now! It won't bring back my mother!" I finally said it. What had been filling my heart. "Is this what this is about?" He said softly, approaching me.

"Y-yes."

My legs finally collapsed, my eyes breaking the damns blocking the tears. Heathens of tears came pouring out, my lungs cutting bits of air. "John, why didn't you say so? Come here." I wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling my voice break. "P-people w-were staring at m-me. I can't c-cry when people e-expect me to, t-to be manly." He rubbed my back, holding me like a child. His voice was soft, trying not to frighten me. "You can cry in front of me. I won't ever tell you to be more manly, people cry sometimes, and that's okay." "I-, I-" "It's okay, you don't have to say anything." My throat closed on me again as I tried to speak, voice breaking.

"I-, h-haven't been d-doing t-too w-well."