I've Got A Feeling

Chapter Nineteen

"I uh, I h-have f-feelings for you."

"You uh, you what?" I feel like my ears stopped working. There's no way he just said that. My ears were more red than a rose. "I....fancy you, Paul." No, no. This is a dream. I'm dreaming. There's no way he would. C'mon wake up. Wake up! Oh my god, I'm not waking up. Either this is real, or I'm in heaven. The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering around like they were given sugar. I-I can't. I'll be arrested. But I want to kiss him again. Okay, let's be rational about this. He just confessed feelings for me, which I have them as well. So which means I am free to tell him about me. Just relax.

"Uh, Paul? You okay over there? James?" "Y-yeah, I'm fine." My brain and heart jumped to the gun so fast I couldn't even process what I said until I saw his reaction. "I like you John. Yer a great lad, but I don't like you in that way." "O-Oh, okay." I mentally facepalmed. Why did I just say that? I know that's not true! It's better off that way. I won't get him in trouble with the law. I could read his mind almost. "Of course he doesn't love you back, what were you thinkin' would happen? That reality is moldable?" I wanted to say that I loved and fancied him, I truly did. But my voice refused to speak. My lips were still.

"Hey, it's okay John. We're still mates, alright?" He had his arms wrapped around his knees. "Y-Yer not gonna beat me and call the cops on me?" I felt tears come to my eyes just hearing what he said. For him to think I would want him dead for being who he is. It's not my business who he is as a person. "No, why would you ever say anything like that? You're a person John, you are who you are. The law is wrong, not you. I love you for who you are." I swiveled my arms around his shaking body. "Not for who you love."

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My mind was reeling. How could John fancy me? The little sixteen year old from Liverpool that writes songs as a hobby and looks like a bird. But how could I lie to him? It just slipped out, like I was talking to my father or brother. Just that filter of vagueness and secrecy. I put my fingers to my lips, feeling where he placed his. The taste and scent of him can be traced.

The wind is blowing at a smooth rate, almost trying to cool off my jittery nerves for me. People stare, but I just give a smile or scowl and keep walking. My cheeks were still awfully pink from earlier, all of my blood running around from giddiness. I feel exhausted. I just want to cover my head with a blanket and fall asleep to wake up from this catastrophe. Why does my mouth decide to blab without consent from my brain? All of this would have been fine if it didn't make its own actions. I finally made it home and exhaled a breath I never realized I was keeping in. "Where have you been? It's been all day and not a single word from you." I really didn't want to deal with my dad, but I have to. "The library. Just catching up on some lessons, sometimes the teachers just don't teach us right." "Okay, well there's supper sitting in the fridge if you want some." "Thanks, but I'm not hungry."

Which isn't totally a lie. I can't handle any nutrients right now from all the previous events. Seeing John throw up was not a pretty sight to say the least, but I didn't complain because he's my mate. I trudged up the stairs to reach my room and shut the door. Well, to phrase it correctly, slamming it. New clothes were thrown on, tossing the dirty ones into the hamper for later cleaning, and sliding into bed to grab a pillow. I attempted screaming, but the noise was trapped. What came out was a whimper, burning tears traveling with it. I laid there for hours, not moving and pouring my emotions out into my very soaked pillow and sheets. When I finally lifted the pillow off my face, it was pitch black in the sky. I tossed and turned, trying to trick my brain into lulling unconscious. Damnit. You go from exhausted to wide awake. Make up your damn mind!

I looked at my alarm clock and saw it was 1:04 in the morning. Maybe I could call him and tell him it was a mistake. Paul, it's one in the damn morning. You think he'd be up at this time? Why would he wanna talk to you anyway? You broke his fucking heart. He's asleep, and Mimi would get after him anyway. He's a uni guy now, he doesn't care about you. He has bigger problems. I wonder what he's up to though. Probably studying or something.

What he's actually doing......

"C'mon John, shots are on me. Paul wouldn't do this with you would he?" I hesitated. "No. He wouldn't." I sighed, thinking back to earlier. Look, I know he said that he'll still be my mate and love me, but it hurts. I downed the drink faster than what I had done. I'm drinking to repress my feelings, again. Suddenly Stu wiped my face. "Wha', is there something on my face?" "John, you're cryin'. It's okay, Julia's good now. I never got to meet her, but she seems very sweet." "Oh, it's not that. I-I just got rejected today. It's fine." We walked to a more secluded part of the pub, I'm thinking to get me to calm down. "It's okay John, I'm here. I'm here for you." I felt loved, one of the very few times in my life. "I-, I think I love you." "And I you." The last thing I remember from that night is the feeling of his hands through my hair as we locked lips.

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"Please, please pick up, Johnny."