Just Maybe, (Squad Series #1)

Chapter 34

And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand.
-Iris// Goo Goo Dolls

Tw: self harm (read at your own risk)

~

"What brings you here, Renesme? It's been a long time."

Gulat iyong ekspresyon na ipinakita sa akin ni Doc Emma nang makita akong muli. She's my psychiatrist before I left the Philippines.

"My anxiety attacks are back, unfortunately. Hindi na naman po ako stable." I admitted.

Hindi ko alam kung paanong nagising na lamang ako kanina na inaatake ng anxiety. I ended up cutting myself and now that i'm sane, I just realized how bad I need to go to my doctor again. This is so bad.

Halos isang oras tumagal iyong counselling session namin. Ikinuwento ko sa kaniya ang lahat ng mga nangyari nitong mga nakaraang araw upang malaman kung ano nga ba ang nagtrigger upang bumalik ang panic attacks ko. Like I suspected, it was triggered by too much stress

In the end, she told me to get regular check ups from her and to update her from time to time. Binigyan niya 'rin ako nang iilang gamot upang makatulong kahit na papaano.

Agad din naman akong nagpaalam dahil may appointment pa akong pupuntahan. I promised Mendel to help him choose models and so i'm heading to the venue now. Pinauna ko na roon si Crisa upang ipasabi na medyo late akong darating dahil nga sa biglaan kong pagpapacheck up.

I parked my car smoothly and looked at myself in the mirror after turning off the engine. I look like i'm fine, even when i'm not.

This made me realize how serious mental health is. Ito kasi iyong uri ng sakit na hindi mo makikita basta sa pisikal na anyo ng tao. Maaaring iyong kaharap mo na nakangiti sa iyo at mukhang masaya sa buhay niya ay nilalamon na pala ng lungkot sa kaniyang loob. You'll really never know. Kaya nga dapat lang na itrato mo ng mabuti ang kahit sinong makaharap mo dahil wala kang ideya sa pinagdaraanan niya. I really hope people will start to take mental health matters seriously because it's not a joke.

Today, I was left with no choice but to wear a long sleeve top to hide the bruise in my wrist. I know it's bad but I also know that I had to do it earlier to keep myself sane. I just felt so numb that I had to cut myself to feel something.

Bumuntong hininga pa muna ako saka lumabas ng sasakyan. I was greeted by some paparazzis so I had to smile for the pictures. I wanted to be proud of myself for being able to do that.

Agad akong sinalubong ni Crisa at naroon iyong nag aalala niyang tingin pero sinenyasan ko siya. No one should notice that something's wrong.

"Good Morning Miss Red! Start na po tayo?" Lumapit sa akin iyong isang staff at iginiya ako papunta sa isa sa mga upuan sa lamesang nakaharap sa mini stage.

Nakita kong naroon na si Mendel at ang isa pang babae na sa tingin ko ay siyang magfafacilitate ng runway show.

Mendel and the woman stood up after seeing my presence.

"Hello, Red! Thank you for this, it's really a big help to me." Muling pasasalamat ni Mendel sa akin matapos kaming magbeso.

Tumango lamang ako at tumawa. "I'll be glad to help when i'm free. Just call me anytime."

This time he looked at the woman beside him and introduced her to me. "Red, this is my friend, Georgia, from the Lifestyle Magazine."

The woman, which I guess is in her early forties, held out her hand for a shake and I willingly obliged. "It's nice to meet you, Miss Red! I have always been a fan of yours eversince. And your credentials are really great! I hope I can schedule an intervuew sometime."