broken as i • a kylo ren story

xi (xi)

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that night, kylo was in his room letting his thoughts eat him alive. he knew he should stop it, but it was almost like he couldnt. he let it happen, and he hated himself for it.

the main thought that was eating him was, his father. ever since he killed han, the light had been pulling at him- but he tried to ignore it. snoke could sense it and wasnt happy with him. kylo reassured his master that is was under control, but in reality...it was far from it. he was struggling, he was struggling like never before.

he tried to get the idea of his dad out of his head, but each time he pushed it away, it came back 10 times stronger. he felt the lump in his throat grow and the tears in his eyes surface. it angered him. it angered him how weak, how pathetic he was. he soon found himself sobbing, lightsaber out, destroying everything in his room. the walls, the bed, the doors, the furniture- everything.

he needed to unleash his anger, and well...this was a way to do it. he was about to slash through his nightstand when he heard a voice. he hadnt even noticed that the door opened.

"kylo, what happened..."

when kylo turned to you, your heart stopped for a moment. he looked like he was in great pain, the pain that you can physically feel.

he had puffy red eyes, messed up hair, and his room? destructed.

you saw the lightsaber in his hand and you pieced it all together.

he was having a breakdown.

you would be lying if you said you werent afraid. the look in his eyes, it was something you had never seen before.

"get.out." he said through gritted teeth as he turned his back on you.

"kylo."

"i said leave." he could feel the anger in him building up every second you stood there. he knew that he was going to blow.

"wh-" before you could even start your sentence, you were millimeters away from his red, fiery lightsaber.

"go."

"no." you felt the saber come even closer to your stomach, and you felt this burning sensation. you looked down and saw that his lightsaber burned through your shirt and skin. "put your lightsaber down kylo."

"im not listening to you. you cant control me. i am in control. im in control. im in control-" he kept repeating that sentence over and over. you saw the tears running down his face and onto the ground. you somehow managed to get ahold of the saber and turn it off, and toss it to the side.

kylo was still standing there, repeating that sentence over and over, almost as if he were hypnotized.

you went back over to him and looked him in the eye. that seemed to snap him out of it, and he looked back at you.

"talk to me." you said.

"no."

"stop it kylo."

"you need to go. you need to leave right now."

"no. not until i know that you are okay."

that sentence really hit kylo. nobody had told him that in ages, and it felt strange to have heard it again. before he knew it, you pulled him into a big hug. he tried fighting it at first, but he eventually gave in- hugging you back.

he hated himself yet again for giving in, but he couldnt seem to let go of you.

he sobbed in your shoulder as you 2 slowly fell to the floor in each others arms. the tears leaked onto your skin, and his arms were holding onto you like you were about to disappear.

"it's okay. it is all going to be fine. your good. its good." you whispered into his ear, stroking his head. his tears started to slow down and you heard sniffles.

he continued to hold onto you for dear life, and you let him. he needed this. even though he would never admit it, he did. he truly did.

and then it hit you; he was just as broken as you were.

after realizing that, you held onto him even tighter. his agony was shedding off of him and you felt horrible. eventually, his tears completely stopped and his breathing leveled out. you let go of him and wiped away the tears that were still on him with your thumb. you stared at his face for a little bit, biting the inside of your cheek. you wished you could stop his suffering, you really did.

you stood back up and headed for the door.

"it will get better kylo. i promise. and by the way, this never happened. i didnt see anything." with that, you left his destroyed room.

you knew that he would be ashamed of what just happened- the first commander, breaking down into a girls arms. you knew to not bring the subject up ever again or talk about it unless he wanted to. you knew he wouldnt, and you were okay with that.

even though you didnt know what was causing his hurt, you also knew better than to ask him. and honestly, you didnt really care what was causing it, you just wanted him to get better.

after the door shut, kylo just sat there. he was bewildered. he was puzzled on what just happened. you comforted him and then left. he didnt know what to think, to say, to...anything. he just sat there, for a good 2 hours. he finally got up and headed over to his demolished bathroom. he splashed some water on his face and went out the door. he notified some people that he didnt a new room asap and he was given it almost immediately.

he sat down on his new bed and started thinking. thinking about you.

he was still pondering the event that happened only a little while ago. he knew he didnt have the guts to talk to you about it.

after returning to your room, you sat on your bed and started thinking. thinking about kylo.

you hoped and prayed that he was doing better. at least a little bit better. you knew that healing took a lot of time- that it took a lot of effort. you decided to head to bed. after all, you did have work the next day.

you totally forgot that kylo burned you with his lightsaber until you looked into the mirror. you cleaned the burn a bit and threw the ruined shirt away. you decided that tomorrow you would stop at the medbay before work.

"that shirt was so comfortable...oh well." you spoke out loud.

you put some new clothes on and did your nightly routine. you then slipped in the covers and drifted into sleep. you knew that tomorrow was a new day, and that you should just try and focus on that.

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authors note

i am sorry about the short chapter. hopefully the event made up for the length??

                                                                         - i.t