broken as i • a kylo ren story

xiii (xxxii)

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"stop acting weak. y/n means nothing to you. what that man in your dream told you...is false. ignore it. disregard it. he is only trying to bring you down." kylo said as he looked into the mirror.

it had been 3 days since his dream, and since then- kylo took a mini....vacation, if you will. he didnt have the motivation to actually go away to another planet, so he just stayed in his room for the entirety of the days.

in fact, he had pretty much no motivation to do anything. he couldnt seem to function properly- all he could think about was you and his vision...no warning. kylo was growing more and more conflicted every minute, every second of the day.

conflicted about which side he did truly belong on...conflicted about his feelings for you....conflicted on if he should listen to his grandfather....

kylo walked out of the bathroom and begun changing into some workout clothes. he forced himself out of his bed earlier that day, because he knew that sitting there wasnt going to get him anywhere. he needed to get his anger and pain out- so the gym felt like a great place to go.

he walked down the hall and suddenly bumped into something. well, not really bumping into...

"hey! w- kylo?" he heard a small voice say as the person got up.

"hello jaxx." kylo sighed.

"whats wrong? you look so...tired. well, more tired than usual. oops i didnt mean that-"

"nothing." kylo simply said. he didnt really feel like talking to anyone at the moment. kylo thought to himself that jaxx was a real lucky boy, because if he were anybody else- he would have been dead. he should be grateful that kylo still cared about you the slightest, tiniest bit- well thats what he told himself over and over.

"where are you heading?" jaxx asked. kylo took in a large inhale, trying to calm himself down. he used his head to point to the training room door.

"oh okay. ill join you." jaxx said with a small smile.

"no."

"why not?" jaxx slightly lifted his eyebrow up.

"dont test me jaxx. you should know this by now."

the little boy could sense the anger bubbling up in kylo. it was quite obvious actually...

"sorry. but can i ask you one question?" kylo gave a small nod- almost too small, to the point you couldnt see it.

"are you ever going to resume training?"

"possibly. but for now, go on your way." kylo said.

"do you think y/n will be returning soon?" hearing someone say your name outloud made kylo wince a little bit. it had definitely been a while since he heard that name he missed dearly deep down.

"i dont know." jaxx knew that kylo was telling the truth. nobody really knew when you would come back, but jaxx decidedly it wouldn't hurt to ask.

"okay." jaxx turned around and walked away.

kylo stood in the same spot for a few more minutes, lost in his thoughts.

it had been almost....2....maybe 3 months since you had left? kylo didnt really think much of your return, but now the idea of it consumed him.

what if when you returned, you didnt want to be with him anymore?

"stop." kylo said out loud in the quiet hallway. he had to stop thinking like that.

he had to stop thinking about you.

he walked into the room and immediately started throwing punches at a nearby punching bag. it felt good doing this- releasing a tiny bit of his suffering.

he actually punched so hard, that the punching bag suddenly collapsed to the ground with a loud thud. but, that didnt stop kylo from continuing to punch it.

kylo was seeing in pure red. he let out a few ear piercing screams, and then he felt his fists collide with the inside material of the bag. he looked up and saw what a disaster he had caused.

somehow, the every single mirror in the room was shattered, all of the equipment was broken, there were cracks in the floor, as well as the ceiling, and the walls were terribly messed up.

kylo took in a few breaths before heading for the door. he once again ruined an entire training room, and he wasnt very proud either.

when he reached his room, he suddenly felt himself walking over to the windows. he subconsciously fell onto the ground and crossed his legs. he then closed his eyes and started to focus on his breathing.

what the hell was going on?

and why was kylo meditating all of a sudden?

it was almost like something took over his body and forced him to do such a thing. he hadnt meditated since....he was a jedi? kylo didnt fight against it because he actually quite enjoyed it- he felt calm and somewhat collected.

he called out to the force, and started to see a image of you appear infront of him. it looked like you were in some sort of hut, and before the photo of you cleared up, kylo heard a knock on the door.

kylo snapped back to reality and walked over to the door.

without saying anything at first, jaxx handed kylo a huge cookie- almost the size of a small plate. "here. you seemed a bit sad or whatever. whenever im sad, i like eating cookies." the young boy said to him.

jaxx then turned around and headed back to his room. kylo was puzzled at the innocent little event that just occured to him. nobody, and kylo meant nobody had ever handed him a cookie and just walked off.

kylo looked down and observed the strangely large chunk of sugar. he walked over to his bed and continued to stare at the treat.

he couldnt tell if consuming the entire thing would be safe, so he decided to just break a small piece off and...try it. kylo instantly started to feel like he was on heaven. the baked treat tasted far better than anything else of this ship, and he couldnt seem to stop eating it.

how did jaxx get his hands on this? if this dessert was on the ship being served, kylo would have probably known...right?

kylo found himself with empty hands once again, realizing that he completely destroyed the snack within seconds.

why was jaxx so...nice to kylo? the man kind of put him through hell- yet here he was...giving him a cookie. the entire situation was bizarre, but that didnt really bother him at all.

kylo shifted in his bed and suddenly realized that he was now facing the empty side of his bed- the side where you should be laying...right next to him, in that exact moment.

kylo instantly shut his eyes, trying to make himself fall asleep and forget about you all together, but that obviously didnt work.

it never worked.

it was almost like you were stuck in his head, and there was no possible way of getting you out.

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authors note

LMAO im sorry, this chapter is literally so random i literally knowwww hahahhaha. this chapter is honestly just showing how kylo is undergoing some werid changes. anyways, im going to be updating once again tonight, so stay tuned for it!!

-i.t