broken as i • a kylo ren story

vii (xlv)

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it had been about a week since your...attack, meaning a week since kylo had slept.

he spent almost his entire days doing something that related back to you. whether it was practicing forcehealing, getting more information on huxs plan, talking to your family,friends,doctors, or just checking up on you in the infirmary.

he had continued going back to cell 7 that held the stormtroopers because each time he went back, the overall picture of what was going on in huxs mind was becoming clearer and clearer.

he has gotten ahold of the third stormtrooper that injected you-yr-3342, but put him in a separate interrogation room. kylo felt, and later found out from cc-5380 and hz-2059 that this trooper was more...involved with huxs doings.

"i am going to ask you again yr-3342, why did general hux plan this on y/n?"

"i. am. not. telling. you. sh-" before the man could finish his sentence, kylo once again made yet another mark along the stormtroopers arm with his lightsaber.

"probing it i-"

"no! no! i...i will tell you!" the man screamed out. kylo smirked a little bit- maybe mind reading did actually hurt that bad. kylo put his saber down and looked back at the man- signaling for him to start talking. "hux saw the girl as a...a weakness to the first order. hux thought that she was a distraction to you, and he wouldnt accept that at all because you are the supreme leader of the entire organization. this is the only things i know about why he did it."

what the man was telling kylo sounded about right. kylo knew that hux was very committed to the order...maybe even more than himself. kylo knew that hux sensed something because of the time when the general stopped him from chasing after you on the night you had your family vision.

"you have become addicted to this girl" kylo recalled the red haired man saying on that night.

kylo walked out of the door of the interrogation room and over to his quarters. this was almost like his routine now, and he was getting closer and closer to mastering the ways of healing.

but, some of the troopers words kept repeating in the supreme leaders head- weakness. distraction. weakness. weakness. distraction. distraction. distraction. weakness.

kylo stopped dead in his tracks, only a couple of feet from his door.

was he going too far with this? was he focusing too much of his attention and effort on you?

ever since he left you at the medbay, the thought hadnt even crossed his mind. he didnt think twice about doing all of the things he was doing. he didnt question any of it, because it felt like an instinct- to help you.

kylo felt the need to break, slice, or destroy something. he turned on his feet and decided to head for a training room. bringing destruction to yet another one wouldnt matter, right?

right when he stepped in, he didnt hesitate to start slashing the walls with his lightsaber, leaving marks all along each one. he moved over to the floor and the mirrors- repeating the process.

this time, he didnt bother to look at the damage he created. he rushed out of the room and commanded yet another custodian to clean it up.

he went back to his quarters and took a quick and cold shower. he came to the conclusion that he wasnt going to try and heal you anymore. if your body didnt do it by itself, then it is what it is. he had other things to deal with, not just you.

he slid under the covers in attempt to actually try to relax and sleep. he hadnt even touched his bed, nevertheless tried sleeping in it for what felt like forever. even though he was severely sleep deprived, he couldnt seem to get his tiredness to consume him. in fact, he couldnt even get in a comfortable position.

he sat up in his bed, and his eyes went directly over to his desk that had all of his healing books on them.

"stop it, we are not doing that anymore. it isnt our- gahhhh!" kylo said as he turned around and screamed into his pillow. he was so done with trying to convince himself this type of stuff. he knew they were lies. he knew that he would just end up assisting you.

he hated how he couldnt get that feeling out of him. that feeling that he experienced whenever he was near or even just thinking about you.

it made him want to protect you. it made him want to be around you 24/7. it made him want to hold you close. he made him love you.

kylo instantly got out of his bed and headed over to the room in his quarters that held his grandfather's helmet. he sat down and was about to place him hand on it before he remembered-

"you aren't going to help me. you already told me how you feel about this matter. you think i should follow my heart, but no. i wont do that. my 'heart' is wrong and misleading. i dont love y/n, i never have. she is just another person to me-nothing more. if anything, she is preventing me from reaching my complete power. i want this to be over right now!" kylo screamed.

he stood up from the chair, but instantaneously fell to the ground. he didnt feel like getting up so instead, he just sat there in his own thoughts.

"why cant this just be over already? im so...im so tired. im so done with it all." kylo muttered to himself as he rubbed his face a little.

"it could be if you let it in." a gentle voice spoke up from behind him.

he quickly let go of his face and rotated his body so that it would be facing whoever just spoke up. when he did, kylo didnt see anyone, so he scanned the entire room but finding the same result.

"ben, just listen to what your grandfather told you; follow your heart-let it guide you just like how the force does. he knows what he is talking about, and you know that as well." the same voice spoke out, but this time kylo couldnt seem to pinpoint exactly where from.

"who are you?" kylo asked out into the empty room.

"that isn't important as of right now. all you have to know is that we are just trying to help you- trying to help you back over to where you belong and who you belong with."

"we? who is we?"

"ben, just listen to me when i say do it, and then maybe...you will become free."

even though kylo couldnt see the person who was talking, he could feel their presence leave the room. he had no clue how that was, but their spirit felt wholehearted. kylo was confused on why only recently all of these people felt appearing and talking to him about only you. it seemed like they all had that common factor of wanting him and you together.

kylo left the room and walked back over to his desk. he didnt resist the urge of it this time, instead he just listened to it.

while reading and going over the process once again, kylo knew that he had gotten the hang of it almost completely for the most part. but the only thing was...he needed to test it out.

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authors note

i hope you enjoyed!! once again, im sorry for not writing yesterday :// another chapter will be out tonight, so dont you worry ;) love you all so much <33

                                                                    -i.t