broken as i • a kylo ren story

xii (xxxi)

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it had been a week since luke explained nearly everything to you. since then, he continued his lessons, as well as trained you a bit with the force/fighting.

you were beyond grateful for the man. he had helped you tremendously, and you couldn't thank him enough. you continued to ask him questions about ben, the force, nearly everything. now, you were caught up to speed with pretty much everything.

palpatine, anakin, padme, the empire, the senate, obi wan, the resistance- you name it; you knew it.

you would think that learning more about the war and resistance would make you question what if the "side' you were on what the right one, but it didnt. you didnt really see yourself being with the first order if you were being honest. but, you also didnt see yourself going over and being with the resistance.

all you truly wanted was to be with kylo.

or was it ben?

you didnt really know if you wanted ben or kylo. but luke made it clear to you that they were the same person, except that the entire kylo personna was all an act. you knew deep down that when kylo was around you, he was showing more of his ben side- if that made sense.

you were a bit confused on why you still wanted to be with the man. luke had obviously told you just some of the horrible things kylo had done, yet it didnt seem to bother you that much. you knew that snoke messed him up because luke told you, so you couldn't completely say it was all his fault. but, he still wasn't innocent or anything like that. you actually tried to make yourself mad at kylo for the things he had done, but it didnt work at all. kylo hurt you a few times, but so did you. you hurt him as well, and it seemed as if you couldnt be angry at the man.

you started to second guess if you made the right choice when you promised luke you would help kylo turn. you didnt want to disappoint him, and you were getting a bit nervous that you were going do just that. like previously stated, you knew kylo was in pain and you wanted to help. but you also knew that it wasnt going to be easy at all. he barely opened up to you in that time span the 2 of you spent together, so what made you think that would change?

if anything, you leaving him pushed him farther away. he probably feels as if you abandoned him, and you couldn't blame him- you would most likely feel the same exact way if you were in his shoes. but, you werent.

you werent kylo. and you knew that he knew that what you did was for the better of things, and he would just have to accept it. but that didnt stop you from thinking that you attempting to push him over to the light could possibly sever your relationship with him.

say he did turn. what if when he did, he didnt want to be with you anymore? then, it would all be for nothing.

no.

no. it wouldn't be for nothing. it would be for his wellbeing. it would be for helping him heal, just like how you did. you wanted the best for him, and if that meant him cutting you out of his life- you would just have to accept it.

"im glad." luke said from behind you as you sat at the small desk that was located in the hut.

"huh?"

"you are growing y/n. coming to terms with such a thing isn't trouble free at all."

"wait wh-" you then remembered that he could read your mind. "oh, y...yeah. i guess."

there was a bit of a silence, but you finally broke it.

"do you always read my mind?"